times like now i just sit down and wonder... do i really trust him? am i lying to myself? am i just telling myself i trust him just because i reckon that as a girlfriend i should trust him? or do i really trust him? if i really do trust him, then why is it that i feel so insecure a lot of the times? even the other day for instance, as soon as i saw a vague trace of behaviour from last time, i immediately jumped to conclusion that he was lying to me again, despite the fact he had promised he'd never lie to me again? why cant i just relax and believe him? what am i afraid of? mel, what happened to forgive and FORGET... why is the forgetting part so hard? is it even possible? there are too many things i want to forget about. i want to completely forget the past. its not his fault i was hurt before we started. why does it seem im punishing him for my past experience? he says that hes not like the other one, what happened between me and that 'other one' wouldn't happen between me and him. why can't i ever feel reassured?

times when we argue over silly things, or maybe just both in a pissy mood, i sometimes dont even know what to do. ignore him? pretend im fine? which i kind of established was kind of stupid since he can OBVIOUSLY tell when im NOT fine -.-" but then what? i dont have anything to say when im pissed. i just want a shoulder to lean on, not someone giving the same kind of attitude back :s .. not that he really does that, but i guess he kind of does that sometimes =[ hey hes human right? he can make mistakes, hes allowed to be pissed? i dont know, i really want to tell him to control his tempers cos it really pisses me off when he goes all fucked over and i dont know how to deal with it... but then its not like i have the right to say that, i get pretty messed up too. he called me unreasonable before? maybe i am... so what? how was i to react to what he had said before that behaviour came into practice? say 'oh yeh, thats exactly the correct way you should go about life, its just absolutely fine to allow that to happen, like i wouldnt mind AT ALL...' somehow those words would never have come to mind at the time. not like his own behaviour is always reasonable.

it's so ironic! there are other times he shows he really cares... like, to the point where i feel im not even doing enough for him at all... or that im a good girlfriend at all ... times like those, i feel im the luckiest girl in the world and just wouldnt ever find better.

i dont get it? what makes a good girlfriend? am i really unreasonable? what should i do? how can i learn to tolerate people more? how can i completely let go of the past? i dont want to treat him unfairly. he doesnt treat me unfairly. i can tell he puts a lot of effort into our relationship, possibly more than i.

Categories: 2008 [t]

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