Monday. 1.27.08 12:04 am
pissed... nothing to say really... just pissed... VERY PISSED... is it in my nature or am i building the barrier against myself because of what happened... cant tolerate it anymore... i never use to care if anyone yelled at me.. or raged at me.. or said anything... i'd still be there for them... i thought i could still do that.... i was so wrong... just tonight i realised i couldnt do it anymore... i couldnt tolerate anymore.. if someone had tried doing so.. i'd bite back.. or just walk away from them... and thats exactly what i did! i feel horrible... i dont even feel like im myself anymore... he was so right! i said i'd always be there for him... but what did i just do?! i just said 'im going to go after this call' gee what was i thinking huh.... i know what i was thinking... that time someone had argued... no.. lets put it a more euphemistic form... 'debated' over something... well.. just expressing our opinions really... i kept having my own words thrown back at me.. not only that... they let their anger out on me and yelled at me... called me nasty things.... what was i in his eyes? why do i never cry in front of guys? because that same occassion we had that debate... i was under some rather intense stress... and ended up having a mental breakdown on the spot and just burst into tears... oh how comforting was it to hear 'oh would you just shut up and stop crying right now' what did he think he was? my father? gee if i was there in person i wouldve slapped him good i tell you.... he better go thank god he wasnt there.... i dont see guys the same way anymore... they're loving and awesome when they want to be... but they can be horrible monsters too... like one tonight
how many more of these occassions will we confront? how will i handle them each time? walk away from him and let him calm down before coming back? or the way i promised it and 'be there' but then let him let it all out on me? i handled tonight's situation terribly... i shouldve been able to put up with it.. but i must admit i was feeling pretty shit too...
we can barely deal with this and we're only on the phone... how will we ever fix things in person if we had to live together? i suppose im willing to be fair and change the way i see guys now if the other half is also willing to control their fucking tempers too... yes everyone gets angry but seriously, in some situations, its not necessary to go nuts and rage at everyone around
i can be contacted 24/7 ... but who is there for me when i need them in the middle of the night? only you.... i can always write to you as much as i like for as long as i want... unless your server's down or you get hacked T_T +touch wood+
Categories: 2008 [t]
i have always been lending my eyes and ears to my friends who needed to pour out their problems but me on the other hand got none. i feel sick sometimes knowing i'm giving my all out but no one would do the same thing for me even family members. in fact, i sometimes feel betrayed and bitter.
i guess i'm like a flower closing up ... no longe opening all its petals...
» renaye on 2008-01-27 09:51:15
that entry was a bit confusing but i guess i get the point. but i'll always be there for u.
» (220.253.43.162) on 2008-01-28 08:16:18
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