it's amazing how one dream, whether based in fact or not, can toy with ones psyche. i dont generally have vivid dreams about people i can recognize, but this one touched close to my heart. this isn't at all an accussation. just an observation on how easily our minds can flip on us. despite past incidents, and a recent weird occurance, we've been doing really well. i've been confident about our life together and all that it's capable of, and we've had discussions i've never dared even think about with past significant others, and we've managed to build the foundatin of a life together..

one dream.
one dream is all it took to shake up that confidence. maybe were not doing so well? maybe its all in my head? maybe its because im a headcase? i don't want to pull up that foundation again, and i'm really NOT considering it because of a dream...but its amazing how one dream that took less than 2 minutes can cast a feeling of dread.

*sigh* i'd hoped to get back to sleep soon, but its gonna take a little more mind clearing. my blood sugars a little high, so im definitely sleeping soon whether i like it or not. i have to call out for at least part of the day because of our maintenence inspection (so they dont let the dog out)...i'm considering giving it the whole day. i dunno, i'll decide in an hour.

i'm goin back to bed.

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i havent had that dream in months....its evolved over the months...nate asked me once to let him untie me, but i dont think he really meant it...the core remains....im here...shes there...over time i was tied to a tree...birds, lots of birds...swooping and pecking.....and whispering...they whisper but i cant understand...if i could only understand the words...i tried to shoo them away and help her, but in time the dream evolved...and now im tied to a tree...shes always the same...and as in most dreams, i know shes dead but alive in my dream (there's a different recurring dream where i dont realize that until halfway through) ...shes there watching...i scream for her to go, run, save herself, but she wont...she doesnt speak...just watches with his terribly pained look on her face..like she cant help me...the look any mother watching her daughter be devoured would have...i tried to untie myself one and they loomed over her as if to threaten..."you get away, shes next"....so i stayed....i tried to listen....sometimes her look says "please, just listen to them! understand!"...its hard to listen to things that are striking and pecking...the dream evolves, but i still cant listen...

i always wake up screaming or crying....

it's not even ALMOST wednesday yet....

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