why do some people only notice the bad in others? i seriously do try my hardest and people (who will remain anonymous) notice for like a minute, but then they realize something else.. something bad in me. i don't know... it's tough always being 2nd string... the one who no one ever notices.

I'm just having one of those days, when you sit down and realize that.. all this time..you're not being yourself. it could be very subtle and you may not even know you're not yourself, but when you sit down and think about it... the only reason you're this way is because other people expect you to be this certain way...

i know it may not make sense, and it probably doesn't.. but i guess what i'm trying to say is.. life has its twists and turns, it's how you deal with them that matters.. i chose to deal with the twists and turns by changing and being myself, for once. no one could ever make you do what you don't want to do, but it's your decision whether you choose to listen to them or not.

gah... i don't even know why i'm rambling on and on about this.. I'm re-reading what i wrote, and to me.. it doesn't make any sense, but i guess i just had to write it to see if anyone would make any sense of it all..

oh forget it... pretend this entry was never here.

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I was having this talk with my dad yesterday, and he said I should apply to UCSD because it's a good school ad it's close to home. And I know I'm only a sophmore, but I need to start thinking about which college I want to go to. He also said I should apply to all the UC colleges in California, but they're all too far; UC David, UC Irvine, UC Berkely, UC Santa Barabra, UCLA, etc.

There's so much pressure and all these expectations that my parents want me to have. They want me to be bigger and better than my brother and sister. I try really hard in class and I think I know the material, but I end up getting a B- or a C on the test, and I know to some people, it's not that bad, but for the expectations my parents expect me to have, it's bad.

I know I wrote an entry similar to all of this, but it just really hit hard when my dad was talking about which college I should go to and the type of grades I should have. And the other day when I was visiting my grandmother, she was telling me, "Do good in school so you can have a successful future." Ehh.. I try.. I really do. Sometimes it seems like I try too hard or sometimes too little, but I give it my all, but sometimes my family doesn't see that.

It's tough being the youngest in the family. They always expect better because you learn from the things your older siblings have done. I hear my parents brag to their friends about how smart me and my brother are and how my sister is kind of struggling with school because it's not really her thing. I know my brother is super smart and has a way with business and everything, I just don't know if I can live up to that and be better.

Somewhere along the lines, I just started to lose some of my confidence in myself and thought that I could never be better and I'd disappoint my family. I tried gaining it back, but it takes a long time. I'm still slowly losing confidence right now, because of this summer school class I'm taking. I always wanted to be top, the best in the class with the highest grade, but then I see other people having better grades and I'm in the 3rd position.. then slowly slipping to the 4th and 5th spot. I hate seeing B's or C's on my report cards because it shows that I'm not as good as other people.

That sounded totally stupid, but I guess the way I think about grades is this, if I get anything lower than an A, then I'm not good enough. After hearing lectures from my dad for two hours about not being good enough and I should've done better.. all because of a fuckin B. I seriously try my best, but he doesn't see that.

I just wish my parents could see how much I try and how much I go through to try to live up to them. But I guess not...

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