it's almost my birthday.
i wish it wasn't.
it's not happy at all.

a stupid brother who decides to bitch at me after coming home.
friends not caring because they have boyfriends.
nothing to do because i told them i decided not to hang out.
and i have a full day of school tomorrow and tutor right afterwards for two hours.

i was happy before - i learnt that a friend would be coming to hang out,
but since that's now just a possibility and i have no set plans...

i feel like crying because of my brother and rereading the unhappy post before this one.

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I was absolutely in heaven -
that sort of feeling.
and then i crashed back when my mom made a face at me.

let's start with my happy thoughts:
zeal hair salon. so relaxing i felt like sleeping. or was i just sleepy? one wonders.
well. you get a massage after you get your hair wash - majorly thumbs up.
The lady cutting my hair was cantonese - another good thing so my chinglish (chinese-english) could be understood.
She gave me what i wanted and even gave tips for my new bangs (never had them before) and gave me a cool v shape for the back.
this experience took a full hour - meaning they put heart (if not all , some) into the job. . . unlike the stupid hair stylist before who just cut it and was like . there you go. is that okay? with the feeling that you can't really say anything cuz there isn't anything wrong. there's just nothing good either.

now the mothering thoughts:
she loves the back (but i'm not sure if she was just saying that)
doesn't like the bangs -it's what i wanted tho
thinks it shouldve been cooler
my brother gave me 40 but i paid 50 (bad insight on my part but really i was just so happy and i didn't know how to tip. . . ) and so she nagged about it all the way home and to my brother.
made me feel like crying a bit when she first started all the criticizing comments.
oh and she even kept saying inbetween - as long as ur happy.


hey mom. you weren't helping the happy mood.




( ahhh but my hair smells so gooood + the massage was awesome, and i'm sorry mum i wont overtip next time. like how was i supposed to know? really? and my brother gave 40 so technically. . . . - ah but no to you it's still 50 isnt it. sigh.)

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nice friend.
her words cut my heart like a knife in butter.
pierce my heart like an arrow heading for the apple on some random kid's head.
haha.

but no she does help.
she might seem a little blunt but.
after you get over how hurt you feel (jk)
it all makes sense.
she's like the friend who translates those friends who rant about how nice you look but really, they mean - you chose it, and you're wearing it, so feel nice or don't wear it.

okay that was a bad link there but. i hope i got my message across.

(and april i should totally hang out with you next week cuz amanda said shes coming. and we're going to go to a bakery and buy those slices of cakes. so like. i said one or like five. but i'm now thinking we buy enough slices to make a whole cake. and then we just eat it all. but . since u might think it's too many calories. i guess i'll be eating like the majority of it. and manda will eat like 2-3 slices. idk XD)

well. i made her read my previous post. and once she came bk her first words (although i spammed her about many other things) were about how i should just talk to the girl about how i felt.

how would you think about me just linking her here?
since i do want to talk but.
i feel as talking on the phone will just lead to really awkward silences?

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this is getting harder for me
ever since it started raining i've been lazy
and i went bk to my bad
ugly
jeans and hoodie combo.

at least i know the word accessorize now?

but .
still.

i wanna dress up.
am i too shy?
self conscious?
scared?

i think i should answer yes to all those questions >______>;;

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very full.
of food.
and guilt.
for eating at this time
two big pieces of lasagna.

half of the pot my mom made.
the other half is in my brother's stomach.


y um
& uck.

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= o = THE INTERNET DOES NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS IN THE UNIVERSE!

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i am still sick, but i screamed.

: ) and i just realized while smiling ever so fakely...

my throat is really hurting.

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lol u know how its usually
something like
cant stop my tears from falling?
change tears to snot
and i burst out laughing
but only in my brain
its ALLLLLLLL in the mind




^ written to my friend while i can't stop blubbering whenever i open my eyes. i wanna run and scream and freak but that's not possible cuz of these circumstancessss.

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