guess what? i just wrote a song!! its really cool! and im starting a bible study, but yeah more on that later...in school and suffering of dr. pepper and a.d.d. ttyl love you all. karen

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i know that sounds bad,
but im working on it ok? iono i just think about me dieing a lot.
but you know what else i think about?
thats right you guessed it...
no it isnt suicide the other really cool thing,
the one suicide cant even compete with...
yeah now you got it...God!!
yes God, he is there for me no matter what my situation,
like last night i had this really vivid dream, well we wont get into that
you know what it was about if i have told you before.
well i woke up kneeling against the fire place like i was praying,
which is odd since in this "dream" i was praying.
then i had a break down,
i didnt cry though but that isnt the point,
the point is that i have taken all of my suicide poems,
and all of my hate poems and the depressing ones too,
and i took my disturbed cd and all of my bad cd's espeacailly the one with
papa roach's song last resort, and i put them all in a box to take to youth,
but i didnt put in my knives and lighters because i just gave those to my parents.
yep but when i give them to youth to throw away tommorow night,
im going to do it in secret because my sister is coming,
and if she knew that i was writing the stuff i do
i would be in a mental institution by now,
which i no longer need since it has been two hours now and i have put any serious thought into death.
go me!!! kevin is right this is a cool smiley lol. but this and this are sooo much cute er rer lol

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i have to write 8 pages of my paper today...-.- evil school evil parents
*sigh* oh well i wrote a really neat poem...but it is reallly depressing.
oh but yay i think lora and katie get back today which is soooo cool because i
have missed them sooooo much!!!
oh yeah and tommorow im going to a barbeque which will be fun, but kind of
akward, because the person who is throwing it has this crush on me and they
asked me out and i responded with "i need a band aid"
so i dont think i can face them. but hey, you only live once so live right, right?
no i think im reaaalllly hungry!!!
and i had this dream that i had chocolate colored hair and it looked really pretty.
but also in my dream i started drowning,
but then i was in a plane and there was a rat wheel in it
and then i was gothic which was sooooo cool!!!
but yeah twas a really strange dream.
neways im hungry now so im going to get some....food that is
ttyl love ya all,
karen marie

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i went to the beach today with kevin and leif.
leif was having a bad day so after we went rock climbing me and kevin went for a
swin, well really i wanted to just go out and walk in the water but i felt
sooo dirty so i just dove in it was really fun.
but i was just talking to leif online and he was totally ragging me down,
i couldnt take it!
he made me feel like trash.
and i really hate myself now because apparently i "left him out"
i feel like such trash now. am i really that much of a bitch?
i know i went up to him multiple times and tried to talk to him, i even tried to hold his hand,
but when i did that he was on the phone and he just pulled it away.
so after that i went into the water to swim,
and then kevin came out there too and leif just stayed on his phone.
and after we came back he was still on his phone and he kept on talking and talking and i invited him to come and talk with us and he was all
"no thanks" so me and kevin had a good time,
then when we all got home and i was talking to him online,
he made it out to be my fault,
i wasnt trying hard enough,
it was my fault he felt left out.
he just kept laying it down on me!!
i cant take that much blame. im not that strong inside.
then i blew up at him and said "obviously im not a good enough friend for you"
and now i feel even worse.
excuse me while i find a nice sized hole to crawl into.

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i hate it when i get online and nobody is on at all,
i mean it drives me absolutley crazy,
but i guess i dont blame them since it is kind of late,
oh well today my sister told me that
she was really upset about how her life is heading downhill
and she asked me if i would take her to church
so im taking her to church on thursday i hope that is not a bad idead
today was a little better, in the afternoon i was
going to hang out with leif but i couldnt call him so i went to kevin's and
we went for a walk and we went mini scaling which was
fun for me but now i am really soar,
but i realized something today, that television is
truly and utterly depressing, like really all they want you
to see is people in reality shows destroying their lives, it's so sad
in other news, i just let my dog out side to go to the well
you know what dogs do, and i saw the moon and
it was all clear out there and really
pretty and i think i will just go sit on my roof and daydream for a while,
my legs are so sore from walking today,
i mean i have to face facts
im not as strong as i used to be,
but it will be okay as long as i have faith that God
will protect me, but im still sooo mad that nobody is on
i hate it when i get on and nobody is here to talk to
i guess it is my fault
no wait i blame my sister
since she was the one who made me wait so long
*sigh* oh well i am healing i hope so maybe tommorow i will be
happy all day.
bye everybody,
love,
karen

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listening to: relient k
mood: ummm healing
alright now i have said to you about twenty bazzilion times that i am starting over.
well this time i mean it
because i keep driving me and everyone else crazy so i even got a new background
cool huh? but i wish i could have a cool one with skills like leifs.
maybe he will show me how sometime

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