the truth is, i'm not doing that great.

i put up this facade, as if to say, everything is perfectly fine.

really, though, this has been a pretty difficult experience for me. i've gone from being in a long term relationship to a mutual break up to the break up being my fault to not even speaking to my ex in the span of two weeks. i didn't know this was possible.

this isn't the way things were supposed to be. i thought she wanted to be friends. doesn't she see how unreasonable she is being? everyone else does, whether they tell her or not.

it doesn't make sense for my ex to control me after we break up. we had a "talk" about me hanging out with a certain someone, and she said that it wasn't a good idea (she has her own motives). i said "thank you for your concern" and went about doing my own thing anyway. i don't have to listen to what she tells me. she doesn't understand the relationship i have with this certain someone. my ex takes me for a far worse person than i really am.

i wish that that didn't bother me, but it does. i shouldn't care what my ex thinks. she says she wants to be friends, yet, she calls me crying and practically asking for help with dealing with our breakup. how fucked is that?

now, granted, it only happened the first week. after our "mutual" break up, it turned to it all being my fault, and now she doesn't want to even talk to me or be around me for... what now? i'm not sure. we aren't dating anymore, and she's the one who wants to be friends, since she's leaving for the marines in a few months.

is she just looking for an excuse not to talk to me? i think it's okay for exes to not want to talk to each other or see each other for a while. i'd take it as far to say that it's the standard. but there's no reason to be so fucking angry about it. if you need space, then you need space, and that's all there is to it.

i want to be friends, and be able to hang out, but she's not having it. apparently she doesn't have the ability to turn me into something i'm not. then again, i'm not the kind of person that would tell someone that i consider to be one of the closest people in my life to "get the fuck out of my house." that's what she turns me into.

she may or may not read this. i don't know if i care. i really wanted things to be cool. i tried so hard for that to happen, but she's throwing such a fucking fit over nothing.

the last time we talked, she barrated me about so many different things, i didn't know if i was arguing with my friend, or with my ex girlfriend. "what are you doing with her? i thought we talked about this." "you're going down a bad path." "so what, is she prettier than me or something?" "you never call me to hang out."

i'm sharing all of this with you, nutang, so i can get some help. what am i supposed to do now? just, nothing? i haven't the slightest idea. i really wanted the friendship thing to work out. i didn't want to lose her from my life. i thought she felt the same way, but it's becoming more and more apparent that that was a lie...

oh, and p.s. - would you say that it's appropriate to let someone of the opposite gender lay their head in your lap right in front of your significant other? i feel like this is a big issue, even if he IS "like family." especially when she wouldn't even let me put my arm around her.

whatevs. here's to moving on.

cheers.

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so bfer and i decided to sing a little song... you're welcome, in advance. enjoy.

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i'm going to a company christmas party tonight. this oughtta be fun. christmas in january. great.

with all the drama that's been going on, i'm just gonna be happy to be drinking.

here's to my imminent, eminent hangover that i am sure to have tomorrow.

cheers.

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i get to leave work in ten minutes. yay.

i got my droid. it's the best droid. no, it's just a regular motorola droid, but it's the best phone i've ever had, and i'm not looking back.

...it does burn a hole in your wallet, if you don't use it, though. so don't get a smart phone unless you plan on using it. here are some apps i have:

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facebook
twitdroid
youtube
personal assistant
google goggles
gmail
ringdroid
big oven
10001 cocktails
lyric droid
google maps
pandora
shopsavvy
weatherchannel
tunewiki
yellowbook
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it's fantastic. now i just need a nuTang app for the phone, and i'll be all set. get to work on that dave, okay?

cheers!

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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here is another sketch-ish thing for my possible tattoo. this one was all computer generated, but i like it.



enjoy? i don't know.

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