Ok so Mike and I spent all day together. And all night. After he woke up he did what I feared and read my diary. Ag! But he was so cool about it. We sat down and talked more about me. He's so wonderful. He is helping me in so many ways. We decided I have to think of one good thing to start with that I want to happen in my life and he and I together are going to make it happen. Then we'll go on to two good things and so forth. I can't think of something good I want to happen. I mean not like under pressure. I want to be normal, I want to be okay, but that's not excatly what he's talking about. *sighs* I'm not sure.
Anyway. Then we wtached fireworks outside my house cause the ballfield sets them off every Friday night and its like a block from my house so you can totally see them. I was angry cause with all the street lights around here you can't star gaze like I could at my house. Then again I lived in the country.
Mike said after my b-day when I can stay out all night cause I'll be 18 and no more of the "be home by midnight" thing... he'll take me this this place he knows of where we can watch the starts all night. I see them in his eyes sometime. Like I know thats all corny and all... but I do. i see alot in his eyes.
We sat outside and talked about a lot of stuff forever. Stuff I feel, stuff I needed to get out. He held my hand and let me cry. He told me that's why hes here. For me to cry on, for me to lean on. He said he'd always hold my hand and listen. I've never had someone care like this. It's amazing. I really like having him. He's everything at once you know? And its great.
Well we stayed up watching movies then he went to bed at like 1:30 am cause he had to be up at 4:15 to meet some of his buddies cause they are going fishing. So I watched Daria and My so Called Life.
I'm staying up cause Jessica's train gets in a 5:57 and dad and I are leaving to get her at 5:30. I can't wait to see her. We are coming back to the house and crashing and then Mike is coming back over around 2. I love the weekends. I get to see my best friend and my boyfriend. Mike works out of town during the week so I only get to see him Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But that makes me just happy. =0) That was we don't see one another too much, but enough to where we're so excited on Thursady night when he gets home and I'm like "YES! MY MIKEY!!" And he's all like "My Brandie Beth!!!" Wow we are a corny coupel, but at least we like one another.
Ug 5:03 am. My dad will be getting up soon to get ready so we can go get Jessa.
I was downstairs watching TV cause Mike was staying in the guest room downstairs and I feel safe with him, but after he left the lights started blinking a little so I didn't turn the TV or lights off I just hauled ass upstairs. I'm scared of the dark. Scared of being alone. And slightly scared of this house. It's like 92 years old and really big. Ug. Anyway!
5:05 am wow time is a ticking away buddy. lol. I'm going to the train station in my jammies. Haha. Which my jammies are black shorts and a baggy black good charlotte shirt. Mwhaha. And my bathing suit top. I had it to today while Mike and I were outside and I never took it off. I love my bathing suit. I got it from hot topic and it's red and white striped with skull & crossbones only the cross bones are swords kinda like the Flogging Molly logo. So it's cute. I like it. I shop at hot topic so I'm punk.... no no. That's an inside joke between Mike and I.
This kid at the mall labels me as punk cause I shop at hot topic and wear like bondage pants. So I came in one day wearing baggy pants and a white tank top and my "ghetto bling" necklace and chair and watch and he was like "what happened to you?" and I was like "Oh I wasnt feeling punk so I'm ghetto today" Needless to say he no longer likes me. Aww. He's scary.
Uhm. I'm so tired. I keep nooding off I think. Like I was watching Daria on the-n and it was at the start and I closed my eyes for what I thought was 3 seconds and then I "woke up" and Daria was going off. I was like "what! no way!" I liked that episode too. Hum.
Mike would be proud of me right now. I just looked in the mirror and I don't look too shabby. Esp for this early in the am. Like I went to bed last night at 4 am and got up at 9:30 am when Mike called. That's 5 1/2 hours of sleep. Then I've been up since 9 and I'll hit the bed today at like 6 am and then be up by 10 am. But it's cool cause Sunday night Mike has to be home casue he's gotta get up at 4 am to drive 2 hours to work for the week so Jessa and I can sleep in and really catch up on the ZzZzs then. Yuppers.
Well it's 5:11 and I need to go be getting ready to head out for my hunny so I guess I'll write later. Much love to everyone and anyone who reads this hoopla! Toodles.

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Today has been a great day. Mike called me at 9:30 am and said he was going to get his check cashed then he was on his way to my house. When he got here I was dressed, but didn't have my makeup or hair done! *yuck* Well when he got here I finished getting ready and we hung out and watched some TV then watched the blue collar comedy tour *Very funny movie and if you have not seen it I highly suggest it!* Mike was a bit sleepy. Then I made a pizza and we went to my room and chilled and listened to music and talked.
Jessica called to say she had her ticket and her train would be in at 5:57 am so Mike is staying here with me tonight, and we are going to pick her up at the station. I'm very excited and can't wait to see her.
Yeah right now poor Mike is passed out on my overstuffed, oversized, neon pink bean bag chair. Although it's not a bean bag it is a foof chair. It is not filled with beans, but foof. Of that's what the box it came in said and I have to admit that it is very comfy. For more than any bean bag.
Anyway! I talked to Mike about some things today. i think it all started when I said "I want a pic of us together" and he said "no one takes a pic of Mike and lives to tell about it" so then that led to one "well I need one so when you get sick of me and leave me I can have proof I dated such a beautiful person to all my friends in Atlanta who may never see you." And that led to my past and how everyone I've ever had has been taken away from me. When I was 11 and my best/only friend Levi was killed, when i was 13 and my only friend at school, a very sweet girl, Sara was killed in a car accident, how Trevor was stolen from me after 4 years by some skinny bimbo with long blonde hair, how Bill left me because I wasn't "strong" enough to hold together a relationship much less a marriage, Anita a friend of like 6 years passed away only a few months ago from cancer. My friend Beverly was taken from me when she got into drugs and no one could help her although I spent days and nights without sleep by her side trying to protect her, but she was sent to rehab, and I haven't heard of her since. My friend Lisa, someone who totally connected with me and understood me was forced to move 5 states away with her family when I was 14.
Then there are the kids. My baby cousins. The first. My beautiful BB. I use to rock her to sleep every night. Watch her during the day while her mother worked and my cousin the father sold dope. They split up and now I never get to see her. All I get is a photo once every few months and maybe a letter. Then my second cousin, my poor Trinity. She was beautiful. Sweet. I loved her so much. I raised her. Her mother was my age (17) and didn't want her. My cousin (once again the father) didn't want the baby or the mother. She was in a car accident while the mother had been drinking, she wasn't in a car seat. They hit a tree at 80. The mother is in jail and no one from our family can see the baby again. She's in a wheelchair, can never walk again, isn't able to use the restroom on her own, and chewed her finger to the bone cause she couldn't feel it.
I've never got to keep anything. But there is something about Mike and I told him that. I told him I don't want to get overly attached to him and then lose him. That'd kill me. It would break me inside and I don't know how much more I can take. He's so good to me and for me. He's helping me with my cutting. He's helping with my depression. Everything.
He held me while I cried and told him all of this which I hated. I hate crying in front of ppl. It makes me feel so weak. I am weak, but I do not want ppl knowing that. He told me he wasn't going anywhere for a long time. I asked him why when I came along he didn't have a girlfriend and he said cause he was waiting till something felt right and there was something about me and I made him happy and it felt right. That made me smile. I hope its true.
Deep down inside I'm hoping Mike will ... gr. I'm so scared to write it cause I'm scared he'll read this since he's at my house. Then he may think I'm overly insane and obsessed and leave me anyway. Gr. I'm kinda hoping he'll fall in love with me and not want to ever leave me so I don't have to worry about losing him. Then again I know that could never happen. The only ppl who ever "fall in love" with me are abusive. Mean. Never sweet, understanding, beautiful inside and out, guys like Mike. Someone as wonderful as him could never love someone as useless and pathetic and weak like me. He's so strong, so beautiful, so good for me to have around. He makes me smile, makes me not think of bad things like killing myself or ODing on pills or my past. He keeps me under control and happy and smiling.
*Sighs* I thought writing would help, but I think it made me see how lame I really am. Now I might be slightly depressed. I think I'll go cuddle up with Mike on my chair and let him hold me until I feel better.

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Mike got back into town tonight around 6:30 and he came to get me at about 7:10. I was so excited to see him! When we got in the car he leaned over and kissed my lips and was like "I missed you" I love his lips. They are so beautiful. Everything about him is beautiful. Anyway. We went and got some shaved ice *yum* and then sat in his car and ate it and talked about everything. We talked about while he was gone and what we would do why he was here on the weekends and everything.
Then we went to his friend Haydens house whom he thought I was going to think was SO much hotter than he is, but no lord! Hayden is cute yes. He's got nice eyes, but he's not cute. He's got dirty blonde hair so right there that was a no no for me. I like dark hair and eyes. So I was like "Mike! You are so beautiful! He's nowhere near as hot as you" and he was like "whatever!" haha! Well we watched a few hours of south park *very funny* and talked about all sorts of stuff.
I sat on Mike's lap for a bit, but most of the time he sat on mine. Aww aint that cute? lol. We kissed a lot. He's so fun to kiss. He has the softest lips and the most beautiful smile and eyes and arms and he's wonderful. *listen to me here!*
Well I had to be home by midnight *14 days and no more being home by midnight! mwahahaha* So we left Haydens at 11:47 and made it to my house 6 minuets early. =0) Weee. So I invited Mike in to watch Gothika with me b/c he had never seen it. *Still hasn't* We didn't watch the movie cause we talked about things and yes we made out a little.
But I talked to him about things I can't tell ppl. Like Linkin Parks- Breaking the habit came on and I told him how much the song meant to me and he was like why and I told him about how I'm trying to stop cutting and he was like "I'm here now" and then I talked to him about my depression, my autophobia, when Levi was killed, and when I was raped. Things I never tell anyone about. I never talk to anyone about Levi. I just have never been able to do it, but with him I could. He held me and kissed my face, and told me things were okay now. That he'd take care of me, that nothing would ever happen to me like that again. He makes me feel safe. Happy. Happy like I've never been before. Happy like I've been days without crying now. Happy like I haven't cut or even looked at my razors or scars or anything. It hasn't crossed my mind. My autophobia is under control right now. It's almost.... Perfect.
I'm so happy to be with him. Anyway. We looked at the clock and it was two and he has an eye exam tomorrow to get contacts at 9 am and he came from work (2 hours away took a shower then came to get me) he was sleepy and so was I. When he's gone I can't sleep.
Then Broken by seether and amy lee came on and it was like perfect timing cause I was telling about how when hes gone i feel broken.
Well he was on the couch and I laid on his chest atop of him and he was like "I could sleep like this" and I was like "me too" and he goes "one day baby".
I love everything about him. It's almost like we are made for one another. I see everything in a whole new light now. I think about things differently. It's weird, but he's changed everything around me for the better. =0) I love it. He's kinda jealous, but in a good way. A way that makes me feel wanted. Not to the point where you get mad or where he tells you what you will or will not do. But it's great. I told him "you have no reason to be jealous, but I like it that you are" and he was like "I'm glad I don't have to be, but I will be anyway. You're mine. I love that." =0) I love it too. I've never clicked with anyone like this. Its amazing. Its awesome.
He's coming to get me in the morning and we're going to his eye exam and then hanging out all day. Then Saturday morning he's taking me to pick my friend Jessica up from the train station at 5:51 am =0) Thetas early, but more the reason he needs to stay at my house for the night! =) yup yup.
Well I'm sooo dead tired. I'm going to go dream wonderful dreams. Goodbye all.

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Ok so, my boyfriend gets back in town tomorrow =0) And we're going out. I'm excited. I can't wait to see him. I really want to sit down and talk to him and just hug him and all. I really want to just lay in his arms and look at his eyes. I love his eyes. His arms, his smile. I really like him.
We were talking tonight and he is so sweet. We were talking about how we're going to walk through wal-mart =0)
He's coming to pick me up tomorrow afternoon/night and I'm going to jump on him and hug him! lol. I miss the feel of his arms. *Sighs* I sound so damn love sick haha.
I need to ask Mike what he's doing on the 10th. My friend Jessica is coming up from Georgia and her train gets in at 5:51 am so I have to ask Mike if he'll come get me and take me to the train station to get her. I'm totally excited to see her. She ahs been my best friend for 5 years.
I'm so bored. I think I'll go find a survey to take to post in here.

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Tammi gave me this code so I'm gonna put Mike's pic up here! Just to see if it works.

Blah if that works, that is my boyfriend Mike. Aint he cute? =0)

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Well I'm bored and TOD isn't working (as always) and I was hoping Tammi would be on to help me learn more about this site... but she's sadly not . So I guess I'll just write...
Um I decided to write some stuff about me cause... well i want to. Good reason right?
Ok my name is Brandie, and I just moved to Lynchburg Va with my mom & dad. I lived in Georgia all my life. This is the first time I've lived with my parents for about a year now. I've lived with my friend Jessica because my mom and I don't get along for the fact that she's an utter drunk and can be quite abusive.
We moved to Lynchburg for family reason. My aunt, grandmother, grandfather that I never met until a month ago, and my older cousin live up here. My aunt is my favorite person. She's amazingly funny.
Um while in Ga I was supposed to be married June 5 2004 to a guy named Bill that i had been dating for 2 1/2 years. But that ended when he found I was moving to Va b/c he didn't want to come or something. That was good bc I wasn't ready to marry him. That would have been a very big mistake.
So I was singel for two months up until yesterday at around 8 last night. lol. This guy named mike that I've been talking to for a while and hanging out with asked me out. He's so beautiful and I wanted to put his photo in here, but I have no idea how to do such a thing. All I know how to do is type in this little box.
Um anyway. I'll be 18 on the 24th of this month. I'm going to spend my birthday with two of my friends from Ga and my best friend Tammi *loves Tammi* at Va beach. I kinda wanna get a tattoo for my birthday and Tammi was going to get one with me, but I can't decide where to get it cause my mom doesn't need to see it. My dad doesn't care, but my mom does. Then again I'll be 18. Mwahaha!
Um I listen to music a lot. Mainly what's refered to as "punk rock" lol. Or heavy metal. Any band at vans warped tour I pretty much love. Good Charlotte and A7X are my favorite bands. I love Billy Martin from Ga he is my role model. Yes. Uh... yeah I don't have a job or a car or a driving permit even. I'm pretty much a very boring person who sits at home and reads and writes poetry and confides only in her diary.
Yup thats me. I'm Brandie.

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