How weird, at church today I was waiting for the childrens dismissal to happen. But I somehow missed it. When they started coming back from their dismissal, that's when I realized that my memory just blanked out on me for a certain amount of time. When the kids started coming back, I asked my mom "they had a childrens dismissal?" and she said, "yeah, you don't remember?? we sang that same song and everything." I was like, "oh...," and then my mom was like "that ginko biloba isnt working...you shouldn't take it," I just gave her an unsure smile. When my mom said that, I got really worried because this means that my memory is becoming unstable. How could I have missed something I was anticipating?? How could I have no recall of that big event, where the kids all gather up in the middle of the church. Holy shit, this is pretty fucking scary.

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My older brother came out of his room over this winter. I decided to give him a chance...but he's still the same. I was hopefull today, probably the most optimistic i've been about him since I was in 8th grade. But of course, today, he show's his real colors once again. Well I guess I kinda had to start opening up to him since he was the one that gave me the two best presents. I knew that asking for his help was a mistake to begin with. The only way he get's his power is with his money. He swings it around spraying it everywhere and later on uses it against us and justifies himself with his money. Money doesn't buy happiness. If it makes him any happier, he could take my computer, my tv and everything out of my room. As long as I have a place to sleep, i'll be just fine. I'd rather earn my things anyway. Although I am thankful for what you have given me, one "thank you" doesn't satisfy you, I just realized that nothing ever does. Thats exactly why I dont like to show you my work. You always have something bad to say about it or start giving me suggestions that wont even help. I think that if I confronted you about all this right now, it would be really useless because you'd ask me about times when they did happen...and to be honest, I cant really tell you about a specific time because its happened so many times. So many, that all I can remember is how I felt. What I feel now is shit.

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The saddest story that I have ever read was "Flowers For Algernon." I just finished reading it again a few minutes ago. The story is about Charlie, and how he was first retarded and then became extremely intelligent, then his intelligence recedes and goes back to be mentally retarded again. The things that happen in this story I can really relate to. Like how he gets flashbacks of when he was a kid and how the people around him treated him bad, and the mean things that were said to him. For the most part, I can relate to Charlie because when I was younger, I was verbally abused by my older brother a lot, especially during middle school. When I think about it now, he's the person that stunted my emotional growth and made me feel the deepest possible sadness that exists; to the point of suicide. I couldnt destroy myself, I wanted to live because I wanted to know what happens the next day in this life of mine. As time rolls on, you do get smarter and I discovered that my older brother is just a reoccuring theme, a motif, a supportive antagonist in my life. Considering that i've thought about this concept over and over, analyzing the concept, you can conclude that he is very predictable with his behavior. I know that if I showed happiness around him, he would always find a way to put me down somehow, especially around my cousins. I remember he would beg to borrow money from me just so that he could buy ciggarettes, and then he said that he would owe me back too in which he never really did. I would ask him for the money back, he would tell me to ask week later, and I did, and he got angry at me and started telling me about all the stuff he's bought me. I mean, yeah, its true, he's got a point, but still, I gave him cash expecting cash back like he promised. Now days I dont trust him, but I have to. Now days, he will offer something, but I usually refuse, but sometimes I have to take it because I have no other choice. I take it knowing that it'll be used against me later. It makes me feel like crap. Sometimes I wonder what's going through his head when he offers me something, does he do it because he has some kind of master plan? To just bring down every single little thing he's bought me and put me into a huge guilt trip? If I had a million dollars, I would give him everything back that he's bought me and move away from him. Then live by myself in some apartment here in the valley in solitude. I'd be happy knowing that I dont owe him anything. Maybe someday i'll find true happiness... *sigh*

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Wow, I had the weirdest dream when I woke up this morning. It started off where I was in a highschool basketball gym and apparently it was before the game started and there was a team in green practicing and shooting around. I figured that it was Granada's team. Then I kinda looked around and recogized the place to be Granada's gym because of the orange lights. So im walking on the stands with I think it was my cousin. Then I started looking at the girls shooting around the basketballs. It was fine and then I saw one of them and she looked like my ex gf Heather, then somehow in my dream, I got a closer look at her face and I got scared, then she saw me. While I was walking there was a tall man and I started hiding and ducking behind him and then she started walking slowly toward me until she was about 3ft away. Then my alarm came on. BUMMER!! I'll never know what happens next.

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A concept that has been lurking in my mind for the last two years is if I am just living a dream. Where I don't know what is real and I don't know what will happen. I always think about when I have dreams, are they dreams within the dream I am living now, or are they real life. Will I one day wake up as a child again having all these memories but don't know why I have them? I imagine myself being that child crying and wishing I came back to my dream. A deep sorrowness surrounds me as the child, the deeper sorrowness that a child is not capable of; knowing that I will never have a chance to have that dream again, the dream I'm living now.

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People argue about Filipinos being Asian or Pacific Islanders. The answer to that question is more opinion based than it is factual. If you consider the facts: the Philippine Islands are definitely part of the continent Asia, and our culture is not orientally based. It's really all opinion; or at least thats what I beleive. If I was 100% Filipino, I would still have the same opinion that I have now. However, in my case, I am only 75% Filipino and 25% Chinese, but I am raised to be Filipino. So this brings the question, do you consider yourself Asian, or a Pacific Islander?

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