so i dont know what to do ne more. I'm so tired of being upset and sad all the time and my mother does nothing to help me except make me worse than i was before. I realize that i still dont want to be here ne more, but you dont have to worry about me doing ne thing stupid cause i promised my friend that i wouldnt. I am soo sad all the time now i feel worthless, trapped, helpless, and i really just want everything to stop. I dont know how much longr that i can take this without breaking down again, i just hope that i last long enough to see some of the changes so that maybe i will want to stick around and see how the rest of it goes. But for now im doing terribly i hate myself and think that i dont deserve to live. I see myself as a waste of a life which is confirmed by all my ex friends that apparently feel the same as i do. In which they think that im a waste of a life and dont deserve to live. I really just want to feel loved and needed and i dont think that i will ne time soon. At least not in the way that i want to be. Sorry for bothering ne one who reads this with my garbage but you know of course that you dont have to read this if you dont want to. (SIIIIIIIGGHHHHH) I just dont know what to do or what people want from me. All i know is how i feel and that is like crap. So if ne one wants to pich in there two cents and either attemp to cheer me up or make me feel worse take a stab at it because im too depressed to feel worse and i dont know if i can feel better. To ne one who does listen though take my advice. Dont ever get depressed it sucks

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i tried to be nice i did. I tried to just let everything slide. Forgive and forget thats a good rule to follow so i decided to give it a shot. It worked for the most part but now there is one giant exception. This kid the one that my friend gave my sn to wont leave me alone. He keeps iming me and calling me names. I was polite. I asked him nicely to quit. He wouldnt. I basically said back off or im gonna hurt you and that didnt work. So my friend does not want me to hurt this kid but if i want to save my mind i may have to. My counselor says if i keep anger bottled up inside it could make me worse. My counselor actually said that if i took my anger out by beating people up then i prob wouldnt be depressed. But im usuallly really nice about things like this so i avoid confrontations but this kid is pushing my last nerve and i think that i might snap again. So one way or the other this kid has got to stop. I tried doing things my friends way and if she cant get him to stop then i will by any means necessary and that may not be hurting him. I may just have to publicly humiliate him or something. But one way or the other he will stop

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okay so well i had an..interesting day i finally got to talk to my new friend which was cool. but then i got into a fight with one of my friends who told me that she didnt want to be friends ne more and that she still wanted to talk. so i was mean to her and she told her friends what i said and then they chose to im me and call me a loser and that there was no place in this world for me. im sure she didnt mean for it to happen but it did and it made me really sad but i have better things to do than let stupid people make me feel bad about myself. Idk sometimes i just wish stuff was easier and that i could snap my fingers and make everything go away but i will keep trying

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so yesterday i went to the movies with a friend which was good but id already seen the movie before and she got really scared so that was alright. When I got home though my mom yelled at me for being depressed and told me that she wasnt going to let me take the anti derpressants and we got into a giant fight which almost ended in a car accident and then my mom yelled and brought me home and then told me that i could stay the night at a friends house and then she left and wouldnt tell ne one where she was going. so then i asked my dad to drive me to my friends house and then my bro got in the argument me and my dad were having and then my dad told me that he wouldnt drive me so i told him that i would walk if he wouldnt drive me so my bro said walk and i left. i walked for like half an hour and then my mom called and after an argument and her telling me that she was finally gonna let me take the anti depressants and that she was wrong so she drove me the rest the way to his house and then i ate pizza and slept. In the morning my dad took me to the doctor and the doctor gave me the medicine and then i went to the mall and bought some shoes then i went home and took a nap then i went to an anti tolo party cause i was suppose to go to tolo but my date canceled on me. so i went to the party and played pool which was aaight cause im really good at pool. so my day was aight i just hope these pills work and i just want to get better well i havent talked to my new friend in a while so ill try to talk to her tommorow and ill see how that goes well i certainly hope that i start feeling better and that i have better days

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so today was definately not the best day. im screwimg up everythin and i cant take it but im not giving up. This now is my fault cause i should of kept my mouth shut then no one would know and everyone would be better off. Cause now not only do i feel sad but now guilty cause of everyone i keep hurting just by being here so i think im going to try to go live somewhere else for a while and then maybe come back when im better. I cant keep hurting the people that i care about so instead of trying to hurt myself i will talk to my parents about letting me live with my aunt. She lives in louisianna and there i wont hurt my friends. I cant hurt my friends ne more and i know that me being around them hurts them and i dont want to do it ne more and its bad for me too cause not only do i feel bad about hurting them but i also feel really guilty about it. So i think thats what im gonna do

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well i dont know what to do. im at a dissadvantage here because my life is not being played on my field. I know what i need to do to get better but its harder than it sounds. Not too many people wholl read this will know how i feel but i know at least someone will. I just want to let everyone know that im trying ok. I cant change everything at once and i ask you to bear with me for a while. I know i dont make this easy for anyone but for the people that are there for me i thank you. And to the people who may think that im creepy and stalkery, all i can say to you is i know how it is, and you can talk or not but if you talk i will listen. I wont judge and i wont help if you dont want it but i will listen. No one in this world should at any point and at any time have to feel alone. Its one of the worst feelings in the world. I was in a good mood untill a hole bunch of stuff happened that i wish hadnt, but maybe things do happen for a reason and maybe soon i will find out what those reasons are but for now im in the dark with no flashlight but i wont give up. Not again. I tried to take the easy way out once, but now i will fight . i will fight with every last breath in my body with every ounce of my soul with every fiber of my being, i will fight to survive, to live, to be in control of my life cause the only person who should be able to make me feel anything is myself, but ive given the keys to my life to all of these other people and its time i took them back so to my friends whom care about I also fight for you cause i know how hard it is for you and to those confused about how to feel about me i dont know what to say i have no good advice no montra to call on but as i said before if youll talk ill listen and im a good listener and i understand your fear but it makes me sad because i do try not to come off as freaky or creepy or stalkery or w/e so i guess its another thing to keep working on and fighting for.

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