Happy 5th Birthday, Amalia!

Love, Auntie Stefie

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Q: Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?
A: hell, no!

Since Mr. Bush took office, I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness, lost my job, moved to Oklahoma, been unable to find employment, applied for Disability and SSI (and been denied twice!), and if I were not living with my mother, I'd be homeless.

The jobs that I do, and have done all of my working life, are all being outsourced to contries like India. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, and I can't find even a part time job in my field. When I apply at places like Seven Eleven, I'm told I'm overqualified and would be bored within a months time and quit. I don't want to go back to the financial industry, but I will if I have no other choice. I occasionally get work though a temp agency, but those jobs are few and far between, as jobs like janitors, gardeners, housekeepers, etc. are more in demand. With my Fibromyalgia, I cannot do jobs like that. Sometimes I'm lucky to be able to get out of bed in the morning (if it were up to me, I'd be there now instead of the library writing this, but I really can't stand my mom's housekeeper).

So, Mr. Bush, your tenure as president has made my life a living hell. You really do care about your future more than you do mine. You'll be getting a shitload of dead presidents for speaking engagements when you are beat in November, and what'll I have? Right now, I have no fuckin' idea what I'll have, if anything!

You've sent hundreds of thousands of men and women to Iraq to fight in a war started under false pretenses (i.e. there are no WMD's). Some 500 of them have died for your cause. Granted, I'm glad Saddam is gone and the people of Iraq can have a chance at a better life, but at what cost to us, the American taxpayer? Will we be paying for this war thru higher taxes? Will there be a draft and will I be the mother at home glued to the television hoping not to hear that her son(s) is/are among the casualties? I have two sons who are old enough to be drafted if it were to come to that. Just how long can National Guard troops and Reservists keep serving? When they joined these ranks, they never expected to be sent to Iraq for up to a year, then only get two weeks at home with their families before they are sent back for another year. Morale is low, and troops are being offered lots of money to re-up. Like that's going to make the separations from their families any easier?

I will not be voting for George W. Bush come November. Why would I? What has he done for me lately?

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Just to remind me why I should never give up (thank you, JC, for suggesting I read this book!):

Be impeccable with your word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love

Don't take anything personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

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...is Saturday. It's so close to my b-day that sometimes I don't give it much thought. I got a V-day e-card from Darlene (Saon's sister). Last year for V-day, my sister and brother in law gave me flowers.

On Saturday, I'll be thinkin' of the man I want to be my Valentine. I know he's thinking about me, or else why would he make up these lame excuses to call me on the sly from work?

Michele (the Ice Bitch) apparently has a problem with Saon getting mail from other women, no matter what their relationship. I guess that makes sense, but I seem to remember before she came down to Louisiana from MN, Saon told me she had become more mature, and she couldn't tell him he couldn't have female friends. Maybe she meant that he couldn't have me as a friend. She does know about my relationship with him, thanks to an argument they had last spring, and she does know I was there in September. I get the feeling that she'd do anything to keep her man, and maybe that's why she now dresses like a hip-hop chick (according to Saon). I just can't imagine those clothes working on a 6-foot, 250 lb female body though. At least I don't feel I have to succumb to the latest fashion "trend" to keep a man. After all, I'm just me, and "what you sees is what you gets".

Saon called on Tuesday, and told me that he and the IB weren't exactly getting along because money's tight, and she doesn't have a job (nor is she trying to find one). Saon gave me the explanation that because he uses their only vehicle to get to work during the day, she has no way to get around.

Well, hell, half his family works for a local cab company, what's stopping her from calling them and getting a ride somewhere? Or why can't she get a job within walking distance? Or a part time night job when she does have access to their car? Honey, this is 2004, and the reality is, you need two incomes! Don't make him get a part time night job to support your lazy butt. You're still young, get on out there and earn your keep!

When I was 25, I worked, then came home and took care of my family. And we were barely getting by on two incomes (and this was 1989!). They don't have a family, but two incomes are definitely better than one, and apparently the cost of living in the New Orleans area is higher than it was in some podunk town in Minnesota.

Man, that girl gets right up my nose with her spoiled girl attitude!

At least I work every once in a while. There's no shame in temp jobs.

MorelaterZ--

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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watching: my life flash before my eyes??
listening to: my 17 year old tell me that 40 is old.
mood: Just am (JC sez that means I'm content, but I don't buy it)

Well, it's here and I have to deal with it. Forty. Geez...is that really me? Maybe it's a good thing I don't look 40, and I certainly don't act like a 40 year old (how does a 40 year old act, anyway?)

I guess i have to accept it. I have a 20 year old son. God, has it been that long?

I don't know if anyone is going to do anything for me today, so I'll just take this 40 thing in stride. By the time I get used to this, I'll be 41!

I was going to write this rant about the state of my life, but I thought better of it.

Think positive! (I'm tryin' JC, I'm tryin')

MorelaterZ--

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