So, I guess shit's been more rough than I thought it was. I'm sad, not because of what I've resorted to again, but, because of how good it feels right now. How good it feels right now... It's an amazing, scary feeling, this bizarre concept. Now all I need to do is go to the beach right now, and float in the ice-cold water. I wouldn't feel it with how emotionally numb I am at the moment.

It's not even big things. Nothing bad that's BIG has happened, really. It's a bunch of small little shits that have been building up, I guess. I'm supposed to have a one-on-one with Al tomorrow, and I feel like the subject is going to change drastically from what I had originally planned (irritation from being cockblocked and just plain being in the vicinity so fucking much by the same guy). I dunno. I have a feeling this is gonna go back to how I should be in psychiatric services.

What I'm wondering, though, is what exactly the fuck happened to cause this major shift in my perspective! Again, that is. For some years, I felt indifferent, normal about it, and then the feeling developed into pride. By winter break, towards the start of winter quarter, I was feeling ashamed about it.. Now, it's weird. It's a mixture of pride, love... actually, maybe it's gotten to the point of obsession. In such a short period of time! Mindboggling.

I feel like I could faint at any minute now. I've had this vibe for a while. I know that I'm not eating as much as I should, that I'm not sleeping as much as I should. That I'm not on top of things. But I'm not doing any worse in my classes, really. At least, not in cogsci, not in compsci, not in vis. That last paper sucked balls, though. However, it is probably because of this, because of my unexpected maintenance of academia, that nobody has noticed.

Then the guilt ensues.
And the reader wonders what the fuck I was talking about.

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