I wish I were employed. I really do. Or in school full-time instead of Part-time. That will change next semester, but for now, that leaves me a lot of free time to sit here and think about Ed. Which also means, I have plenty of time to sit here and worry about whether or not he's okay, and if he will call today. Last I heard from the troops over there, they were in the middle of a blackout period. I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds as though they are cutoff from calling and emailing their loved ones back home. Well, if they're in the middle of a blackout, how come his friend can log in to her MySpace everyday? I'm just frustrated by that. Couldn't she just leave a quick comment to tell me he's okay? I know it might seem like a lot to ask of her, and maybe it is. She's busy too, and has to let her own family and friends know she's ok. But still. I'm a worrier, I come up with the worst possible scenarios and actually convince myself, sometimes, that they're going to come true in the next few days. You know how they say bad things come in threes? I've kinda already had two, I really hope that saying isn't true. He hasn't logged in since the 21st, and his sister didn't log in between the 22nd and the 26th. I noticed this and immediately played out a horrible fantasy that they'd gotten word of his death and the news had yet to reach me. I was planning on going over there yesterday, but I got no answer when I phoned them. I emailed his sister to let her know I wanted to come over, and since I wasn't able to yesterday, I'm going to try and visit tomorrow. She logged on to read that email..so maybe there is hope?
I made a promise before he left that I would move on if anything should happen to him. I don't know if I can keep it. He is my whole world; I can't imagine my future without him. But you know, I have these two voices in my head. One keeps telling me that all hope is gone, and that he's not going to come home. While thee other voice tells me to keep praying, and just to have faith. (I know whose voices they are too--Satan and Jesus.) I'm clinging to Him more now than I ever have.
Speaking of which, my church is having some sort of Unhalloween event on Sunday afternoon. I'm really looking forward to it, for the simple fact of having something to do. Well, besides schoolwork, which is getting really behind. I've only been going the church for a few months, and their previous 'events' have been a lot of fun, so I'm hoping this will just be another fun activity I can participate in. I know my the time Ed returns, I'll have or be in the process of leaving the Student Service and attending the Adult Service. You know what though? I really wish there was College Student Service. We're not really in our teens anymore, but we're not really adults either. We're close to being adults, yes, but we're still inbetween the two and there is no church service for those of us that are inbetween those age groups. I guess I'm lucky because my church doesn't really kick us out at any particular age, but they do encourage us to explore the more adult side of things. (Not that I'm complaining too much, but wouldn't this be a big reason why Christians stop going to church when they get to be college-age?)
Ed, to me, is a man. He takes responsibility for everything he does, good or bad, and accepts that life isn't always going to give you what you want. I don't know of anybody else our age that does that. I know who guys will take responsibility for something that's going to give them some sort of priveledge, like a promotion at work. But those same guys will blame others for their actions when they feel they're going to be in big trouble with their girlfriends, parents, teachers, whoever. And I can't believe that this man is mine. He makes me happier than almost anything else in my life (I say almost, cause I gotta give that #1 spot to God..), and I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him just how happy he makes me, and how proud I am of him because there are no words to describe how happy and proud of him I am.
Maybe I am bragging about him a lot right now in here, but I don't care. I feel like I bragging about sweet he is. You know, the very first time I saw him, I knew there was something different. At the time, I guess I didn't really connect it with love, but looking back on it, I'd have to say that's what it was. I knew he was going to be in my life for a long while, hopefully forever. (And a day.--Inside joke of ours.) I remember the day after we first became girlfriend and boyfriend, officially. He brought me a rose just because he could. All of the other girls in my class were so jealous. And I loved it! I still love when he does things like that, which I guess is more often than most other boyfriends. He's bought me a couple of Teddy Bears, a ring, and a blanket in the time that we've been together, which is close to three years. Yes, we have had our ups and downs, but what couple hasn't? God, I can't wait to be close to him again. I can't to hold him in my arms and comfort him and just watch him sleep. I miss watching him sleep. And I miss cuddling with him, and sort of playing house when I visited him in Texas. I can't wait to do that again, except next time it'll be the real thing.
I'm going to end this entry here, cause I can't think of what else I had planned on writing...

Categories: Edward [t], Life In General [t], Church [t]

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