Well, I sunk to a new low, hit rock bottom, and hoped that things would get better. But, after a few minutes of pondering my last interaction, I've realized that I've gotten myself into a situation that optimism won't correct. I completely destroyed the single most important relationship I've had in my lifetime... all because I did something without a whole lot of forethought... and when you combine that with doing something completely new, it comes out as a, "Holy shit! You really screwed up with that, buddy." Except... You wouldn't say buddy because you'd be disgusted... Do you understand what I mean?

I mean, I've been crying over this for three days so far and, although I've been doing rather well at hiding my frustration at school, I don't think it's going to work anymore. I'm more moody than I've ever been before. I've yelled at friends, family, and pretty much anyone who's interrupted my thoughts in that time and I know I've killed more than just this relationship by doing it... People are starting to walk by and call me an asshole, but I'm none too concerned about that. I'm completely focused on what sent me into this spiral. The first domino to fall.

I don't know what came over me, why I did such a thing... but it's my responsibility. I can't do a damn thing about it. I might've made everything work out if I hadn't done this... I might've been happier than I dreamed I could be... even though I was before all of this started. I could've kept climbing the ladder, being content, resisting the tempting apple that hung off just a tad out of reach... I didn't even want it. But I reached, fell, and ruined her life. Even if she says I didn't ruin it... whenever she decides to say something about it, I know I've scarred her. I think Tim was right about me.

I want to escape myself now, run away from all of this, run to a place where I could follow her and be happy... To a place where she could be happy.

I have to stop now. I'm making myself cry again.

Later, DS
~ Just one chance is all I ever wanted... and I let it fall into the flames.

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