today was a another day. i want to rant and yell, and express all my frustrations, but i don't know how. it's been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks, and i'm utterly exhausted. i can honestly say that i was only able to really relax when i went to San Francisco this past weekend.

unfortunately, because i was only able to relax then, i've basically crashed miserably when i got back down to LA. i'm so confused as to what i want to feel, and what i'm actually feeling.

maybe it's the lack of sleep, but i don't think that's it.

lately there's been a lot going on in my life, much more than usual. i can't explain it, but it's intense. this past year or so has been fairly frustrating, and it's really piling on.

there are so many things i want to say to certain people, but i can't. not just because i've lost my words and don't know how to express my anger in a way that they'll understand, but i've lost my confidence to be able to back myself up as to why i feel that way.

it seems that it's been happening more and more lately, my loss in confidence when it comes to debating. not over anything really important, but just any debates at all.

i've found myself to be backing down from a lot of things, and it's gotten to the point where i'm wondering whether i'm making up those excuses, or are they really real.

whenever i get this sad, i go shopping. it's a quick fix for when i'm feeling down. but this time, i don't have the mind set to even want to get out of the house... which is rare for me... i love getting out of the house.

sometimes i want to just curl up in a corner and either cry, or just yell. but at the same time, i don't want to. cause the only thing that pops up in my head is, "how the hell is that going to help anything?"

like right now. i want to cry. i want to just lay down and cry. but i can't. because i don't want to lay down. i want to go driving. but i can't.

so many things i want to do, but at the same time, there's always something stopping me.

i guess lately i've lost my confidence in my speaking because i've been so confused. i like to see myself as a kind of person that is able to see both sides of a situation easily. because of this, i tend to contradict myself a lot as i point out the both sides. which then makes me feel like i'm some sort of hypocritical idiot.

also another reason, which i think may actually be the more dominant reason, is because i'm so lost. i don't know what i feel anymore. whenever i get in any immersing conversation, i have a set feeling i have towards the topic, and i stay with it until facts are shown to me that i'm wrong. now i don't know what i feel, and well, i don't want to talk to anyone anymore, because i don't know what to say.

when i was in San Francisco, i hung out with my cousin Victor. We've only seen each other about 4 times in our entire lives, but i felt that i was able to confide in him, a lot of stuff. i felt a connection with him. that day, i was happy. i was happy and nothing else. i was able to get my confidence back, and i was able to chit chat like i usually do.

but when i returned to LA, i crashed like crazy. all the emotions came flooding back, and i lost the confidence that had returned only the day before.


in truth, i know what's causing all this. but it's the emotions that the causes trigger that's exhausting. even though i know the causes, i don't know the solution to them. i just know that i'm not enjoying the results.

Categories: life [t]

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