As many know, Thanksgiving was last week. During our family reunion, my cousin officially announced her wedding for this summer.

I'm happy for her, it's really nice to see that she's finally settling down :)

I grew up with these cousins, and to see one of them getting married, is kinda scary though... I guess it really put "grown-up" that much closer, and that much more real.

For those that know me, I LOVE weddings. I love seeing the happy couple, I love seeing families together, I love seeing everyone all dressed up, and everything about it is just amazing. I guess it's cause there's a very fairy tale vibe to it.

But as I said earlier, this wedding brings "grown-up" closer.

I'm starting to get a lil freaked out about my own future. Mostly bout my love life. I'm starting to get scared about who I'll be with, if I'll ever be with anyone. Will my marriage end the same way as my parents? Do I want kids? All that stuff is a bit scary to think about right now. I know i shouldn't be, cause it's so far away, but hey, a few years can go by in a finger snap.

I want to have a wedding, I want to get married. That I know. But it's all the stuff that comes after that day that I'm fearing. All the stuff married couples have to think of. I guess also it's that whole KIDS issue. I... am not a big fan of children. I like some kids, but not a lot of them. I don't want to go through the whole child rearing thing cause I'm a pansy. But, I AM willing to adopt. That's my plan for future children. Though, I am so curious as to how a kid would look with my genes in it...

I guess I'm just thinking too much into it. I like being free...
And to be officially tied down by papers, is scary...
Eh... I guess in due time I'll be ready.

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ok. so, my mom has this co-worker that she hates, and well, she's selling her 03 civic for $11k. i, needed a car.

so today, my mom told her that we were interested, and told her to hold up a little bit to ask if i wanted that car.

my mom calls her back TEN MINUTES LATER, and the stupid idiot was already at the dealers, trading in the car.

you know, if you know WHY the person is really interested in your car, you'd should be at least willing to you know... help us out.

fucking bitch. she KNEW that we needed that car. but NOOOOOO. fucking douchebag.

she's one of those people that piss you off without even trying.

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today was a another day. i want to rant and yell, and express all my frustrations, but i don't know how. it's been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks, and i'm utterly exhausted. i can honestly say that i was only able to really relax when i went to San Francisco this past weekend.

unfortunately, because i was only able to relax then, i've basically crashed miserably when i got back down to LA. i'm so confused as to what i want to feel, and what i'm actually feeling.

maybe it's the lack of sleep, but i don't think that's it.

lately there's been a lot going on in my life, much more than usual. i can't explain it, but it's intense. this past year or so has been fairly frustrating, and it's really piling on.

there are so many things i want to say to certain people, but i can't. not just because i've lost my words and don't know how to express my anger in a way that they'll understand, but i've lost my confidence to be able to back myself up as to why i feel that way.

it seems that it's been happening more and more lately, my loss in confidence when it comes to debating. not over anything really important, but just any debates at all.

i've found myself to be backing down from a lot of things, and it's gotten to the point where i'm wondering whether i'm making up those excuses, or are they really real.

whenever i get this sad, i go shopping. it's a quick fix for when i'm feeling down. but this time, i don't have the mind set to even want to get out of the house... which is rare for me... i love getting out of the house.

sometimes i want to just curl up in a corner and either cry, or just yell. but at the same time, i don't want to. cause the only thing that pops up in my head is, "how the hell is that going to help anything?"

like right now. i want to cry. i want to just lay down and cry. but i can't. because i don't want to lay down. i want to go driving. but i can't.

so many things i want to do, but at the same time, there's always something stopping me.

i guess lately i've lost my confidence in my speaking because i've been so confused. i like to see myself as a kind of person that is able to see both sides of a situation easily. because of this, i tend to contradict myself a lot as i point out the both sides. which then makes me feel like i'm some sort of hypocritical idiot.

also another reason, which i think may actually be the more dominant reason, is because i'm so lost. i don't know what i feel anymore. whenever i get in any immersing conversation, i have a set feeling i have towards the topic, and i stay with it until facts are shown to me that i'm wrong. now i don't know what i feel, and well, i don't want to talk to anyone anymore, because i don't know what to say.

when i was in San Francisco, i hung out with my cousin Victor. We've only seen each other about 4 times in our entire lives, but i felt that i was able to confide in him, a lot of stuff. i felt a connection with him. that day, i was happy. i was happy and nothing else. i was able to get my confidence back, and i was able to chit chat like i usually do.

but when i returned to LA, i crashed like crazy. all the emotions came flooding back, and i lost the confidence that had returned only the day before.


in truth, i know what's causing all this. but it's the emotions that the causes trigger that's exhausting. even though i know the causes, i don't know the solution to them. i just know that i'm not enjoying the results.

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my name is Anna.

I am 18 years old, and will be turning 19 in September.



And today,



I finally realized exactly what "sanitary napkins" are.

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i'm in class, and bored out of my mind.

this is what i have of my essay so far *opinions/corrections welcome!* :


Anna Shum
Ms. Jennifer Annick
English A: 6237
March 7, 2007
Put Your Title Here
When asked whether or not you would change your past if you could, what do you say? My answer has always been, “No.” I’ve never felt a want to change anything in my life, because everything that has happened shaped me into who I am today. Through out my years, many of those around me know me as a strong person, but have no idea where I got my strength from. Whenever they say that, I think of a triangle, the strongest geometric shape formed by 3 congruent sides and corners. I think of myself as a triangle, made up of 3 influences: my family, my academics and my hobbies. Because like a triangle, I did not appear out of thin air; I had to be built.
Like many others, family is my heaviest influence; everything I do always seems to be the result of what my family has shaped me into. I was born outside the US, and was raised by my mom, dad and nanny. When I neared 5 years old, they shipped me to America to live with my mom’s parents, my grandparents, to start my formal education. From first through 4th grade, I was taken care of and taught by my grandparents and my mom’s brother, Uncle Chris. They were very polite and moral, and always used reason to discipline me. When I was 7 years old, my dad left my mom. Two years later, my mom joined me in the US. This proved to be a happy, yet horrifying time for me. I was ecstatic that I could finally be with my mom again, but really happened compared to what I imagined, were polar opposites. I’ve never blamed myself for the divorce of my parents, and I still don’t, but I do blame the divorce of my parents for the anger that spilled from my mom. Having gotten used to being inured through logic and reasoning from my grandparents and uncle, my mom introduced to me a new disciplining technique: corporal punishment. It was a drastic change for me. I had to quickly adapt from one environment to another, and basically be taught again what I already knew, but in a different way. Although the ways of teaching between my grandparents and my mom were drastically different, they’ve always emphasized several points: that family and school will always be my top priorities until I start my career. Then it’s family and my career, which will be my top priorities. All of them always pointed out that our family will never turn its back on its own, no matter how grave a mistake one makes. Unfortunately for me, my mom always seemed to contradict herself, thus confusing my mind by saying that family will always be there for me for better or for worse, but if I get bad grades, she’ll kick me out.

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Don't you hate it when....

drivers cut you off very aggressively, and then drive 10 miles slower than the car ahead of them?

and then making you miss the green/yellow light?

and then they realized that they're going the wrong way, and then they cut into the right turn lane and then leave, meaning you could've made it if they were paying more fucking attention?

Comment! (1) | Recommend! | Categories: hate [t], annoying [t], life [t], road [t], driving [t]