odd as this will sound, i've had 2 so-called "producers" approach me at karaoke night about my singing, and maybe wanting to do something. one never contacted me back when i contacted him. the other, well, i still see at the bar, but nothing has been mentioned since.



not like i've been REALLY keeping my hopes up or putting my faith in these people. but there is a part of me that hopes just a little bit. that same part of me that holds on to the same dream that i've had since i was a little girl. i'm 32 now - that's a long time to dream.

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my ankle started swelling up again last night for no apparent reason. AGAIN. i thought i was done with this. so now my foot is all puffy and uncomfortable and i am just scared and fed up. i've been icing my foot all day and it hasn't helped.
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make it more obvious? half-witted confessional disguised as a tirade? am i just a fool, to ignore the drop in my gut? don't patronize me - i can't make you love me if you don't. is history bound to repeat? maybe i'm just an idiot, no matter where my compass has been pointed.


it shouldn't take anyone this long to decide how they feel. i'm just too terrified, that i do what i can to prevent making waves. of course, that may be the one thing that causes a wave "bye-bye" someday.


sleepy ramblings - do they actually conceal anything?

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once upon a time, a boy convinced me to visit san diego. today is the 2 year anniversary of my first visit. now i live here, with that boy.

today is our 2 year anniversary.

i love him so much.


(of course, tonight he's working, and i had a horrific day at work, so we're not celebrating. but it's all good.)

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i am going batshit crazy because it is so fucking hot here in san diego right now. if i wanted disgusting heat, i would have stayed in new jersey, okay? it is 815pm right now and 90 degrees INSIDE my house. it's a little cooler outside, but my house just REFUSES to cool off.


when it is HOT, i am used to a home with AIR CONDITIONING. normally, here in SD, you just don't need it, because it's pretty temperate year-round. but right now, it is just horrific. this afternoon, it was hovering about 90 degrees, and it was 95 inside my house - and that's with ALL the fans going, all the windows open (that CAN open, that is), and also the front and back door open. what little cross-breeze there was does nothing to help.


i am cranky.

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torturing myself (again)

twisting my guts, churned ragged

after reading the beautiful sentiments

never to be breathed about me



there is list to which i am not added

(making me ineligible to aspire to be at the top)



i was coeurageous long ago;

why can't you be coeurageous for me?

i must be that i am just not...

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