How pathetic am I, still running in circles?

Piece by piece, I removed myself from the world of the living in hopes that it might finally make me happy. But it hasn't. Not in the least bit. In fact, I'd say I'm more miserable than ever, but I'm pretty sure that misery is one of those monotonous feelings that never varies in degree, only accumulates upon itself, tightening its grip.

I have never really been happy. I can't remember one single point in my life that I have experienced being so. Sure I've seen it in bits and pieces, but I have not once experienced true, prolonged, unadulterated happiness. And the one thing I thought would change it all for the better has only exacerbated everything that is and always has been wrong. Perhaps that let down in itself was enough to kill the last part of me that was holding out for something bigger or better or what have you.

I don't belong here. And the thing is, as I watch the people I grew up with go on and live their lives like normal people should, happy and healthy and productive, I can't seem to pull myself out of this horrible rut no matter what I try. I'm stuck here in this place that feels like a prison. This body that acts as a cage. This life I dread waking up to.

I want out.

Comment! (5) | Recommend! (3)