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Ok, So I am thinking this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever written about. To be quiet honest, it is the most horrible thing I have ever been through in my life but, I want to talk about it. It is on my mind because the anniversary of it was just a couple of weeks ago, but it happened 8 years and 26 days ago, January 3, 1998. However, to explain it all I will have to go back to December 18 1997. So hold on here we go. I was sleeping, on the couch, don’t know why I was there but I was.. something woke me up, I don’t know what it was, but I got up, went to the bathroom, walked up the hall and the next thing I remember, my mom is pickin me up off the floor. Apparently, I passed out in the kitchen, screaming on my way down. Mom helped me up and I hurt oh god I hurt. We chilled for a few minuets and she decided that something was wrong so to the emergency room we went. I do not remember the ride of the wait but I do remember getting in the room and the hellacious shot of Demerol they gave me. Passed out again, I woke up sitting in the hallway waiting for an ultra sound thingy. I remember drooling on myself. He he…. They wheel me into the room and begin…..it was just the nurse and myself….she would not talk to me, so I was freakin out. All of a sudden, she said I will be right back…I really start to freak out, here I am in the e. r. all drugged up, alone, with damn me Nurse Hatchett. She comes back about five minuets later with two doctors. I am thinking to myself oh my god…what the hell is in me? They all stare at the little monitor (that I cannot see) and just stare. Ok I really flip… I start yellin at them to tell me what the hell is wrong with me.. I say what is it, a tumor, do I have cancer what is it? They finally decide that I should be privy to what is in me. Well you are never gonna guess this, cause I sure as hell didn’t see it comin. The nurse turns the monitor around and says it is a baby…holy hell I really loose it then. I start bawling and asking her what she is talking about, she says honey your pregnant… I start bawling even harder. I start asking her if I am hallucinating from the Demerol, they gave me, for some reason this heifer seems to think this is funny. Pfft anyway. Let me clarify something here the biggest reason this is a shock is that I was told I could not have children in March. So I had no clue what so ever that I could even be pregnant. So that is the first part of my story. Finding my son.. Oh yeah the reason I was hurting was because I had gallstones and those are bad bad bad… Now for the worst part….let me start with this, at the time I was single, and I have NEVER been married. So I am thinking, well honestly I was not thinking I kinda just shut down for a while. I did however call the sperm donor and tell him that I was pregnant. Pffft what a joke. I knew that I was gonna have to do this on my own anyways so no biggy. Well I tell my family, everyone is cool with except for my dad. That man is so old fashioned sometimes it is funny, he went off on the fact of my not being married and the fact that the knew the sperm donor would be no help, but after his little tirade things were cool. Well I didn’t really have all that much trouble with being pregnant, no morning sickness, although I did have heartburn that would have made satan proud. I craved fruit, that was about the only real differences I noticed. So everything was pretty peaceful, until the shit hit the fan, my ex’s mother decided that I would not make a suitable mother, like that crazy bitch did so well, so I find out that she is trying to get custody of my child. Umm I don’t think so, all kinds of stuff happened then. The stress that I was under was unbelievable. I started to cramp. On New Years Eve I started to cramp, I thought it was normal, on January 3 at 345 pm I went to the emergency room again. Oh god I hurt, I didn’t know what was going on..they checked me out and then they left, so here I am just hanging out with my mom for someone to come tell me what the hell is going on. Finally the doctor comes in, it is a woman (keep this in mind for one sec). She comes in and no hi, no shake my hand, no asking how ya feeling, just walks right in and says “you are only 23 weeks along, you have been in labor for 3 days there is nothing I can do, you are having your baby and it will die”. I swear to you those are the exact words that woman used. I just stared at her, dumbfounded, my mom flipped smooth out, my mom is 5’3” tall and as round as she is tall, but when she looses it, she is GONE. She jumped out of her chair and literally chased that woman out of my room screaming at the top of her lungs about how she is a quack and how if she catches her she is gonna whoop her ass, as messed up as the situation was, it was kinda funny to see. Ok now I am dealing with the fact that the child I was told I would never have and just found out about, is going to die. How do you deal with that information? My mom is trying to talk to me but I am not listening, I just keep asking myself what the hell is going on here? Why me? What can I do to make it stop? The doctors kept telling me there is nothing that we can do. So ok I am having a baby. I need to tell people. So my mom calls my family and I decide that I need to call the S.D. (sperm donor). He is to busy to come up there, fine I did not want to see him anyways. My oldest sister and my aunt show up. My room turned into grand Central Station. I had to OB doctors who each had a nurse, then there was the pediatrics’ doctor who had 2 nurses of his own, my mom, my sister and my aunt. Well aint this just a party? I go through labor. I have him at 946 pm on January 3. oh god here is the bad part. At first they don’t let me see him, they want to work on him, I remember looking at my mom and begging her to make it better, and begging the doctors to make it better. They work on him for 30 minuets. The peds doctor comes over to me with tears in his eyes, I remember that, and says Samanthe I am sorry, he cant breath on his own, his lungs are not developed enough, they wont inflate. I think I passed out, I don’t know for sure. I opened my eyes and the nurse brought him to me. The doctor said,”you need to see him, spend time with him and say your good byes.” He was so perfect, and tiny, god he was so little. He weighed 1 lb. 7 oz. and he was 11 inches long. His tiny hands and tiny feet were perfect, his little nose and mouth all perfect. The only thing, his eyes were not open, I never got to look in his eyes. I never thought that was such an important thing, to look into someone’s eyes, that has haunted me everyday of my life since then. They left him with me for a couple of minuets, and then they had to take him to clean him, weigh him and dress him. They brought him back to me, dressed and smelling like a baby. I kept him with me for a long time; everyone held him and looked at him. God he was so perfect. My sister went and bought a camera and we took pictures of him. Some friends showed up, everyone acted as though there was nothing wrong. At about 1130 the S.D. showed up, he walked in and I just looked at him, grrr I wanted to smack upside his head, but I didn’t, I stayed calm. He wanted to hold him, he asked what his name was, I named him Dylan Layne. The nurses had been coming in periodically to check his heartbeat; about 10 minuets after the S.D. got there, they came into check Dylan’s heartbeat again. I knew before she said anything that he was gone. She turned around and started to cry, I am sorry she said, his heart has stopped. No one said a thing, I sat there I could not say anything. After a minuet I asked everyone to leave, I needed to say good-bye on my own. I kept Dylan for several hours. They come, got him, and took him away for the last time. I really don’t remember much after that. I have lost several days of my life there. It is just gone. It’s really weird that its gone, its like I look back and its blank. The next thing I remember is having to decided where I was going to bury him and picking out his casket. It was beautiful; it was covered in white satin. We buried him on January 5. That day was horrible, it was sleeting and cold as hell. I stood out in the sleet and just stared at the sky, I was thinking to myself, why is this happening, is this really happening? The service was wonderful. I was surprised at how many people came. It was nice, well as nice as things like that can be I guess. Well that was more than one days info there but, I guess I really needed to say all of that. Thank you for listening, I hope I didn’t drive anyone insane with all that.

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OK...Still not too sure what the hell I am doing, but someone keeps pushing me to write, we wont name any names TEX, anyways. I guess I want to talk about where my life is going right now. So I will start at the beging. In October I broke up with my boyfirend of 9 years. At first it was the most devastating thing that I thought that I could ever go through, other than losing my son, I guess it was, any ways I digress. It took me a lil while to come to terms with the fact that he decided that he wanted someone else, in fact he had her before I left. But I did come to terms with it, I realized that he was a piece of crap and I was alot better off with out him in my life. Our relationship was not healthy and I am just now figuring that out. I am 27 years old, but I had 24 year old son. I gave up my life to make it his, I gave up college so he could finish. pfft....wtf was I thinking right? right! Anyways, I have come to the conclusion that my life has improved 10 fold since we split up. Thank god I see that now. I have a friend to thank for that, this person, I have never met face to face but he has given me faith back in myself. I will always appreciate you, I hope you know who you are. Now where I am now, Sad and ashamed to say, I am living with my parents, GOD IT IS KILLING ME. But after the split, I lost everything my house, about $5000 and my job, so here I am still trying to get out of this hole that I allowed my sefl to be put into. So I have made a decision, I have always wanted to travel, and I love to drive, so I thought to myself........WTH.....drive for a living....woo hoo...So here at the end of February, I am going to school, I am going to get my C.D.L. and I am going to drive over the road. There are some people who dont think this is such a great idea, but I am excited about it myself, I get to do two things I like to do and make good money doing it. So I am lookin at it (right now) as a win/win situation. Hell I hope it turns out that way. Ok I think that is enough for now. I hope it pleases the audience.

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