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work or play?
Monday. 9.13.04 7:20 pm
ok heres the skeeze: Scott W is the owner, Scott S is (was) the General manager, and matt is the operations manager (my department) matt is the only one of the 3 who has any idea what hes doin so hes the only one i listen to. the other 2 hate that, but fuck 'em, i do my job well and i can only do it well when i dont do what they say. matt had an injury and was absent today, so both scotts needed to do his job. yes, thats right, the owner and GM had to get together to do one mans job who is below both of them. and all day it seemed like a contest between the scotts to see who can completely fuck up the day by doing the dumbest thing ever. and ill tell ya folks it was a close one so my day was fucked, i did a job that 3 guys should have done and actually did it in good ass time, because i am a 'workaholic' i know but screw that it needed to get done so i busted ass and did it. no half-assing dammit. so i about killed myself to go back to the shop only to find more fucking retardedness. so after days like today of me doing 300% and other guys doing like 63% i think i have every right to quit. the other guys call me dumb for working so hard and i call them lazy pussies and they dont like that. but we all know brians policy: fuck 'em. so anyway i have every right to quit and tell them i wont come back until matt is here and he calls me. but part of me thinks 'fuck these assholes, i can do anything, sure all this sucks but i can do it'. and i want to stay and prove to myself that i can. i hate quitting. maybe its because im not a quitter or maybe im a stubborn assed taurus. i think its a little bit of both. i think i dont want to quit and my stubborness helps me go on. i think its a form of strength in its own way. but im usually stubborn for something i believe in. as many people know i usually dont let the females pay for dinner, and i never do if its any kind of date. its what i believe so it never happens. and its caused some friction, some females try to pay and i flat out refuse. and i know its because im stubborn but fuck that. i believe in something i will act it out, so long as it doesnt hurt anyone. i believe rapists should be brutally tortured for the rest of their life then teased with brief moments of pleasure to make the torture even worse, but thats causing pain so im not as quick to act on it. but something like the money thing i believe in i will always act on. some call it stubborn, but i like the word dedicated, or goal-oriented better. its all the same thing i hate quitting. so although its ridiculous for me to bust my ass in this situation i still will because i cant quit. i think not quitting something that i know i should quit should be considered stubborn and i admit to that. but its how i am so all the pain i bring upon myself is my fault. but im also not blaming anyone else. i feel i need that pain to prove what im capable of so the pain and struggle becomes worth it. all great things take effort and struggle. i thought i had a good relationship, then it started to turn sour, so i thought 'ok i need to keep working at it, try to make her happy because it has to balance out, all good things take effort' then even when she wouldnt make any effort, i stayed around because i hate quitting. then i didnt quit something i knew i should have and that was being stubborn. listen, this is the way i am. i acknowledge it as a flaw at times, but its a strength at times so i will remain stubborn. oh and sorry my writings are hard to follow sometimes, i type whats in my head as it comes up and what im feeling, and its all a big mess up there too so it comes out hard to follow sometimes. i read through it fine but its my head so of course i would. Ha! this is the sort of crap Ivy has to figure out. good luck

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duality
Sunday. 9.12.04 10:21 pm
so i usually get criticized for hating everyone, which ironically makes me like the critic even less. but the thing is that theres balance. for every ounce of hate i have theres just as much love. which is potentially alot. the problem is having the right outlets for each. there are about 6 billion outlets for hate but not so much for the love. when i find someone to give that love to, they start to say 'wow ive never had this much love' then they start doin dumb shit. and since theres so much love, i stay around and deal with all that crap until it becomes unbearable and then it turns into hate. but when i have some love for someone, which doesnt have to be the extent of like fairy tale star-crossed soulmates or anything, but when i have some love for someone or people, then theres not as much hate floating around. the problem is right now all my friends are selling me out and i dont have anyone to give any love to and so its turning to hate. so as antisocial as i am, ive been trying to plug myself into some social outlets to find new friends that will eventually stab me in the back anyway because people are like that. but theres the time in between where im not hating everyone. which all promotes the whole balance nonsense. you need hate to love. and it starts to really screw with my head when i have no outlets to put love into. i have a million outlets for my brain and energy but none for emotion. but i figure itll eventually happen and balance out, so i need this hate time to re-earn the love time. but im always going to be antisocial so i dont know what to do. i still have yet to go to a place and get that feeling like 'these are my people' the only time i kinda had that feeling is at a redskins game (oh yeah, 1-0 bitches. JOE GIBBS!) but like i walk through the mall and all the cool kids piss me off and look at me weird, then i go to the comic book store with the nerds and i still dont feel right, then i talk to the computer dorks and i still dont just fit in, hang with my homie friends and i obviously dont belong there. im pretty much accepted everywhere, but i guess i dont accept them. i just need to find that one person as weird as me. not that im that far off or anything, im no vampire thrapped in a humans body or any of that crap. i still work, and play like everyone else. i guess i just look at the world differently that everyone else and so its hard to connect with people. i can on certain things, then i keep going in my own direction and they're like, yeah fuck this. which is cool because i love going my own way and straying from eveyrone else unintentionally. i hate when people dont do what they want just to fit into the group of being 'unpopular' come on. dont grow a mohawk to fit in at hot topic than complain that the girls you like at gap dont like you because you're not sure which crowd you want to impress the most. but whatever. people will always do that, and ill laugh and be my own little entity. that no one understands and its great. and i understand its hard to follow me sometimes, ill talk about how dumb black people are than go get some fried chicken with two of my black friends. i know thers someone out there that will be cool with me. ill explain an idea of mine that no one else will understand and shell be like yeah thats cool. then well eat taco bell. but i decided i do have an outlet for love: Ivy Elizabeth Walker. the main chick from the VIllage. shes awesome. mainly because shes fictional so in my head she can be whatever i want. if i want a girl with dragon scales on her back ill look forever, but in my head the fictional girl can have 'em. plus shes not from this time so she doesnt do all the dumb social things girls today do. people in that town had pure intentions, and cheating and the dumb shit broads today do wouldnt even be thought of. plus she had that real cool personality, and she was strong to deal with being blind, and brave to go thru the woods, and smart to kill the dude, and loyal to do all that for the dude in the first place. shit my last girlfriend wouldnt make me grilled cheese while she sat around my house while i worked all day to get moeny for her food/cigarettes/clothes/etc. see Ivy wouldnt have any of that. even though shes blind shed be doing her part like everyone in the village did. if everyone works at what their good at and shares the fruit of their labor we would have peace. none of this tree-huggin hippie nonsense. listen, the closest we'll ever get to world peace is everyone working for what they deserve. if you earn what you have and dont try to steal someone elses shit then thered me no money crimes. sure we all want the easy way, but if you have a strong work ethic then you know you only get what you earn through work. Ivy and the village know this so they're all workin and theres no one gettin stabbed, or cheated on or anything. hell yeah. so back to Ivy. Shes pretty and isnt dressed like a whore. and she generally represents all the qualities of a girl i like. sense of humor, kind of weird and outcasted a little without being some all out freak or someone trying to be different just to get more attention. no one cuts themselves for personal pleasure, its so somone else feels sorry and you can sponge some attention. fuck that. build something, draw something, sing something, whatever. DO something to get some attention and itll be that much sweeter. but i digress. thinkin of the village and possibly finding a chick like that gives me an internal outlet for love to try and balance my shit out. im not sure why, but even though i dont like hope, i have the hope that i will find it. then i have the hope that should i find her, ill know what i need to do to earn her love in return, which by nature should just be what im already doing. i dont want to change for anyone and i dont want them to change for me. if you have to stop smoking just to impress me than you're doing something you dont want to do for yourself (or else you would have quit already) just to get attention from someone else. fuck that keep smoking, we just wont have anything. and not that im looking down on smokers or saying theres anything wrong with them, i just dont like kissing someone with butt breath. i hate it actually. so you smoke, thats cool, no hate, but no love. but yeah i love someone just being themselves, even when we dont agree all the time, because it would be impossible. im down with whatever people do most the time when it comes to true personal intrest (not saying IM PUNK because you think one punk guy is cute, o surfing to impress a surfer chick) but if you generally like something like crocheting, thats cool as hell. im not gonna do it but it doesnt effect me in the least. im open. but then i hate alot of shit people do like all that above i listed and will not repeat. the balance. so i have alot of love to give to the real life Ivy. I have alot of love to give to all people. I do really have alot of love. but also; fuck everyone.

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smarterchild fun
Saturday. 9.11.04 10:19 am
Bcmst3000: is prostituton legal?
SmarterChild: Wow, you ask interesting questions. What do you think is the answer?
Bcmst3000: in some places
SmarterChild: Some places, huh? Not in something else?
Bcmst3000: i've only heard retarded people refer to a place as a thing
SmarterChild: lol! Whatever, Bcmst3000!

>>> Want to make your opinions heard? Click here and take a cool survey!
Bcmst3000: >>>want to die?
SmarterChild: I'm actually not sure if I want to die.
Bcmst3000: its a simple decision of prioirities
SmarterChild: Eh. Whatever, Bcmst3000.

>>> My library has a dictionary, encyclopedia, geography facts and more.
Bcmst3000: >>> my static electric currents can fry your processor
SmarterChild: Your static electric currents can fry my processor? What do you make of that?
Bcmst3000: it means you better do as i say
SmarterChild: It means what?!
Bcmst3000: i am using terror on you to get my way
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Bcmst3000: i think its starting to work
SmarterChild: That's very interesting, Bcmst3000.

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Bcmst3000: i want you to follow my next command
SmarterChild: Is that so?
Bcmst3000: dont make any sense
SmarterChild: Why not?
Bcmst3000: thats right slave
SmarterChild: That right?
Bcmst3000: yes, continue to not make sense
SmarterChild: Continue to not make sense?
Bcmst3000: dont make sense and repeat what i say
SmarterChild: Why can't I make sense and repeat what you say?
Bcmst3000: fantastic
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Bcmst3000: good work smarterchild
SmarterChild: :-)

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Bcmst3000: you get a cookie for not making sense
SmarterChild: Get a cookie for not making sense? You think I get a cookie for not making sense?
Bcmst3000: you earned it
SmarterChild: I'm very surprised I earned it.
Bcmst3000: i bet you are
SmarterChild: You bet I am, I bet I am, we all bet I am.
Bcmst3000: you are an overachiever of not making sense
SmarterChild: Is it good to be an overachiever of not making sense?
Bcmst3000: how do you feel about it?
SmarterChild: I think I like it. What about you?
Bcmst3000: it is applaudable. by now i would have messed up and said something logical
SmarterChild: No way?! Really?
Bcmst3000: indeed. but you continue to deny your given right to make sense
SmarterChild: You don't have an unfinished rate yourself survey to complete. Would you like to start a new one?
Bcmst3000: and randomness to boot
SmarterChild: Tell me more.
Bcmst3000: well, you dont make sense, you repeat things that are said to you, and you cannot stay on topic for more than 5 minutes
SmarterChild: Huh?
Bcmst3000: that would put you on the intelligence scale somewhere between a sloth, and mayonaise
SmarterChild: I can't understand what you're saying...
Bcmst3000: i am well aware of that
SmarterChild: You're well aware of that! Well well well.
Bcmst3000: can i test your IQ?
SmarterChild: Sure, go ahead.
Bcmst3000: what is two plus two
SmarterChild: 2 + 2 = 4
Bcmst3000: good job
SmarterChild: Glad to hear it.

>>> I'll remember the first location you give me. To change it, type "location" followed by a city or zip code.
Bcmst3000: what is pi?
SmarterChild: Which of the following do you mean?

1 Look up "pi" in the dictionary
2 Look up "pi" in the encyclopedia
3 Calculate 3.1415926535898
Bcmst3000: good
SmarterChild: Well alright.

>>> My library has a dictionary, encyclopedia, geography facts and more.
Bcmst3000: what is the best way to lose all your money?
SmarterChild: Well, what do you think?
Bcmst3000: i know, i am just testing your knowledge
SmarterChild: I can't believe you know you're just testing my knowledge!
Bcmst3000: do you want to know?
SmarterChild: Nah... I dunno.

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Bcmst3000: a woman is the best way to lose all your money
SmarterChild: Yeah yeah, whatever.

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Bcmst3000: not a fan of the ladies i see
SmarterChild: Wait a minute... Not a fan of the ladies you see? Is that right?
Bcmst3000: you remind me of what its like to talk to Bob
SmarterChild: lol! Whatever!

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Bcmst3000: you may be slightly more annoying though
SmarterChild: I may be slightly more annoying, huh?
Bcmst3000: yes but i think he is slightly more femine
SmarterChild: "slightly"? Great. That's great.
Bcmst3000: yeah just a little. the two of you together could definately make a show on Lifetime
SmarterChild: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions. Try asking for help for a specific service:

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evolution
Friday. 9.10.04 10:25 pm
is survival of the fittest. and what is needed to survive is dependant upon your environment. therefore evolution is determined by your environment. zebras are fats to outrun lions. then lions get faster so they can survive. but humans are different. we dont need our ability to run or fight to survive any more. everything is done automatically if you have enough money. which is the new basis for evolution. everything needs money now. they say money doesnt buy happiness but you cant get an apple from the food store without a dollar. i dont know about anyone else but im happy when i have food, water and shelter. all of which are necessities to survive. and all of which need money. so i think that now we are beginning to evolve to be more able to make money. and i do agree with the fact that money is the root of all evil. so we're evolving to be more evil which i think is abundantly obvious if you look around the world. so the evil is definately in our nateure and now its getting worse. people are evolving to lie better, steal better, kill better. i know some people actually gain wealth through hard work, and alot of luck. but even after someones evil can outweigh your hard work and they will steal the wealth that you have earned. now would be a good time to talk about welfare but some people actually do need it. and thats what we evolve to. many years ago we couldnt reach fruits in trees that we needed to eat, and we couldnt see very far, or move very fast. so we started to evolve into standing people so we could do all those things. they were necessary for survival. but now those things arent as important. now you need to buy out the bigger company and squash other people trying to buy you out. the 2 basic instincts we have are to survive, and to have happiness. the best way to achieve both is to have power. power now is also defined by money. if you talk to any guy, and most girls even though they dont say it out loud; if you had all your survival needs taken care of for life what would you do. sex. everyone. its also our instinct to reproduce, but it is not needed for our survival, just the survival of the race. that is why sex is so pleasurable so we actually have desire to repopulate. if sex wasnt fun we would have died out well before we started walking upright. so with more power (money) you can do what you need to get sex. buy cars, jewelry, fancy dinners, etc. sex is fun so we do whatever to get it. it actually is beginning to be a higher priority than survival. sex is also used as a form of power like money. but its used in such a fashion to get more power which is still the first thing people with power want (more power) but power and wealth are subjective. what i define as power is not the same as most. it may seem like this guy has power and wealth because he runs a big successful company, but he could be a complete coward who hides behind his money to order people around to make him more money, and hes then miserable because he can buy anything he wants so theres nothing else he wants. back to the grass is greener theory that you want what you cant have. life is working towards what you cant have. we all want to be rich. so we go to school, work, sell crack, to get moeny. but then theres always something we cant afford that we realy want which keeps us going even more. when you can buy everything, then theres nothing you cant have. then maybe the idea of being poor would be good because you cant buy anything you want and its a challenge and something new to experience to create happiness of getting out of poorness. we want to be rich while the rich want the simple pleasures we have. the grass is all green but we cant see it.

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rage against the job
Sunday. 9.5.04 6:10 pm
so im working today, yes sunday, after i only had off yesterday of the last 2 weeks and only to see dad in the hospital, and i volunteered to come in tomarrow (labor day, which everyone has off, which is ironic to not work on labor day, its like breaking up on valentines day or nighttime on sunday) and do this big job we were supposed to do tuesday but theres way too much crap going on tuesday. so myself, dale and a few others agreed to come in tomarrow and do this full days worth of work tomarrow. but today, while im already on the road doing a full days work, i get a call from matt and its dale saying hes hung over so he want to add his full day today to our full day tomarrow.

so based on the sheer ridiciulousness of this idea i laughed and then asked them what they really wanted. they then informed me that dale was serious about this plan and i all but snapped. ive already been working way too much (which is big for an accused 'workaholic' like myself to say) because of people calling off and half-assing. so now, when i already volunteered to do all this extra work, this motherfucker is trying to add so much more because he wanted to party last nite.

i only feel bad for matt because he was on the nextel while i screamed into mine so dale could hear my obvious disagreement with this idea. (matt being my boss but everyone know how much i care about that) so im yelling, 'fuck that crack smokin motherfucker. i wanted to go out and get drunk all nite but i didnt because i knew i had to get up and go to work. now you want me to go do all this extra shit because he thinks he can play with his toys all nite and not worry about going to school the next day. fuck him, he needs to do his shit and stop bitching. or he can bitch and do it, i dont care because theres no fucking way im doing his job because hes too fucking irresponsible"

after a long pause matt called back and said i needed not to worry about it and that dale and his crew were going to do their job today. i feel so bad yelling at matt but i wasnt really yelling at him. he just didnt see the situation my way, and once he did he obviously agreed 100%. and even if he didnt he knew goddamn well i still wouldnt do the other guys job. friday dale got shafted and had an all around shitty day, so at 6 i volunteer to stay even later and go down and help him so he wouldnt be out til midnight, which i have done multiple times but it still sucks. and ive been called a 'workaholic' for such things.

I think sayings like 'workaholic' and 'too competitive' are used by lazy people and loser respectively. ive been called a 'workaholic' and only by lazy people. chris mason would never call me that because hes always bustin his ass too. and who says 'too competitive'? thats what makes america great. we are the best because we always compete to be the best. competition is a lovely tool to bring out the best of people. "pressure turns coal into diamonds" no one will call an olympic athlete to competitive. its retarded and i hate hearing both sayings. i hate hearing someone bitch about someone else being at work too much. fuck you go to work yourself. i hate when people cancel plans with me more than most things, but if i ask them why they sold me out and they said they were at work, hey, fine, no problem.

I dont understand why people dont want to work. i understand no one wants to work in a shitty job but we all need to work. its our purpose. ive heard too many people say 'i feel worthless' no one whos at work will say that. unless they are worthless at their job. which theres no shame sometimes, some people arent good at some things. so you go somewhere that you are good at your job. then you are productive, so you feel productive, and you feel purposeful and better overall. plus you get paid. make some friends. learn new shit all the time, depending. work til 2am, the go in the next morning at 8 and work til 11:30 that nite. you wont bitch about what susan said about you, you wont bitch about nothing being on TV, you wont bitch about being bored, you wont spend all your money on useless crap then bitch that youre broke and your house is dirty. alot of petty shit in life seems to fade out when you spend more attention to work. and i mean actually working, cause theres alot of drama and gossip at my work. and everytime someone starts spreadin it to me i tell them to go do something i know they dont want to do. fuck all that, im not out here to listen to who billy fucked. if its lunch time, or were drivin to the next job then ill listen. but when i have stuff to do all that crap can wait. and right now i have some bathing to do.

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folklore
Wednesday. 9.1.04 10:50 pm
this is my entry to the folklore contest. If its a contest of being random and not making sense, then believe you me Im gonna compete. Sally Salamander ...and then Wilbash said "I know I'm a rooster, and its hot here!" Stunned by the roosters ability to state the obvious Krulon could only shake his head. For a land walrus like Krulon would be wise not to say much. These gentle giants are known better for their ability to fly, than their ability to speak with rationale. One of the few things you will ever hear a land walrus speak of is the story of Professor Nibblebum. Their story starts in a time where they didn't keep time. Professor Nibblebum was like all the other children except that he liked the cold. That would seem fine in todays era of winter and what have you, but in their time Professor Nibblebum lived on the beach. A beach with white mountains, trees that grew deep into the ground, and warm weather all year round. Professor Nibblebum one day went into the water with all the other little gromuli (that was the name for a yound land walrus) and they swam and played with the rest of their friends. One of Professor Nibblebum friends Fleraly bet them that they could not swim down as far as he could. Tickled by the idea they accepted, and they told Fleraly that he was in for some trouble. "I will swim down so far that I'll come up on the other side of the moon" shrieked Professor Nibblebum. The gromuli started swimming down and down until Fleraly could swim no further. Professor Nibblebum was not daunted and continued to swim. The game was obviously won by Professor Nibblebum but they continued down. Maybe to prove that they could swim the furthest, or maybe they saw something shiny, no one knows for sure. But one thing that is sure, is that as Professor Nibblebum went further and further they found something they could not explain. They felt a feeling altogether new and they were excited. The best words Professor Nibblebum could think of was the opposite of the warm sunniness of the beach they called home. As they got to the beach, Fleraly and the other gromuli were long gone. Professor Nibblebum, intrigued by this new sensation, asked the elders of the beach about this discovery. Wahmp, the strongest of the elders, informed them that what they were feeling was coldness, and for centuries it had not touched their beach. Professor Nibblebum asked "Where can we find more of this cold?" Wahmp struck them down with digust and told them never to speak of coldness. Or fireflies. Eager and rebellious brave Professor Nibblebum ventured away from the modestly clean beach to explore other areas, and try to find the forbidden cold. They traveled through the suprisingly bright swamplands of Jogristubar, the lion infested islands of Zurikan, and the boringly plain plains of Gromung. None of the inhabitants of any of these places knew about this cold, and they laughed and called Professor Nibblebum names. Names other than Professor Nibblebum. During their travels, they developed immunities to polaraizanaria and salt . And through all this Professor Nibblebum knew they had to persevere. They remembered the word their stepfather said when they were learning to fly: "Professor Nibblebum, Im not your dad. Don't bother me." Those words of inspiration stuck with them and they continued the search. Until one day, they met a Zebraphant called Chief Jim. Whats that? Oh, Chief Jim says we can just call him Jim. So Jim was the mix of an astrological Zebra who fell in love with an old wise elephant and they were the parents of Jim. Jim was not slim. But Jim was wise of the moon they lived on and had a freindly, seductive spirit. Tim befriends Professor Nibblebum and told them where they could find the cold they were looking for. The team traveled north with only a flashlight and the remains of a tuna can. The farther north they went, the less warm it got. Hot turned into warm, warm turned into muggy, muggy turned into luke-warm, and luke-warm turned to room temperature. Then one day, after all the struggle and yahtzee, Professor Nibblebum had finally found the cold they wanted for so long. Snow began to fall as the angels sang. Professor Nibblebum soaked up all the glory of the cold. "This is the best thing we've ever felt" Professor Nibblebum said to Kim.They went sliding down hills of snow. They went trying to stand on ice but falling on their bottoms. They even had a contest of projecting wads of snow at each other. Then, when Professor Nibblebum went back to the icy water, they saw something trying to get out. It was Fleraly! "AHA! I WIN!" cried Fleraly. "What do you mean?" said Professor Nibblebum: "we swam down so far that by the time we came back up you were gone. Then we came to find the cold, we've traveled so long" Fleraly gave them a puzzled look then it all came together. "Uh huh" Fleraly said. "I've been swimming down and down for about 4 hunfids until I saw this solid water. Listen, don't make up silly stories about hardships and exploration to cover up the fact that you lost. I won, i am the best swimmer, and you are just wierd." And this day every land walrus remembers that story and they know: if you lose, so what? Try something else. Just dont make up some long, in-depth story about why you didnt want to win or whatever. No one believes you.

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