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duality
Sunday. 9.12.04 10:21 pm
so i usually get criticized for hating everyone, which ironically makes me like the critic even less. but the thing is that theres balance. for every ounce of hate i have theres just as much love. which is potentially alot. the problem is having the right outlets for each. there are about 6 billion outlets for hate but not so much for the love. when i find someone to give that love to, they start to say 'wow ive never had this much love' then they start doin dumb shit. and since theres so much love, i stay around and deal with all that crap until it becomes unbearable and then it turns into hate. but when i have some love for someone, which doesnt have to be the extent of like fairy tale star-crossed soulmates or anything, but when i have some love for someone or people, then theres not as much hate floating around. the problem is right now all my friends are selling me out and i dont have anyone to give any love to and so its turning to hate. so as antisocial as i am, ive been trying to plug myself into some social outlets to find new friends that will eventually stab me in the back anyway because people are like that. but theres the time in between where im not hating everyone. which all promotes the whole balance nonsense. you need hate to love. and it starts to really screw with my head when i have no outlets to put love into. i have a million outlets for my brain and energy but none for emotion. but i figure itll eventually happen and balance out, so i need this hate time to re-earn the love time. but im always going to be antisocial so i dont know what to do. i still have yet to go to a place and get that feeling like 'these are my people' the only time i kinda had that feeling is at a redskins game (oh yeah, 1-0 bitches. JOE GIBBS!) but like i walk through the mall and all the cool kids piss me off and look at me weird, then i go to the comic book store with the nerds and i still dont feel right, then i talk to the computer dorks and i still dont just fit in, hang with my homie friends and i obviously dont belong there. im pretty much accepted everywhere, but i guess i dont accept them. i just need to find that one person as weird as me. not that im that far off or anything, im no vampire thrapped in a humans body or any of that crap. i still work, and play like everyone else. i guess i just look at the world differently that everyone else and so its hard to connect with people. i can on certain things, then i keep going in my own direction and they're like, yeah fuck this. which is cool because i love going my own way and straying from eveyrone else unintentionally. i hate when people dont do what they want just to fit into the group of being 'unpopular' come on. dont grow a mohawk to fit in at hot topic than complain that the girls you like at gap dont like you because you're not sure which crowd you want to impress the most. but whatever. people will always do that, and ill laugh and be my own little entity. that no one understands and its great. and i understand its hard to follow me sometimes, ill talk about how dumb black people are than go get some fried chicken with two of my black friends. i know thers someone out there that will be cool with me. ill explain an idea of mine that no one else will understand and shell be like yeah thats cool. then well eat taco bell. but i decided i do have an outlet for love: Ivy Elizabeth Walker. the main chick from the VIllage. shes awesome. mainly because shes fictional so in my head she can be whatever i want. if i want a girl with dragon scales on her back ill look forever, but in my head the fictional girl can have 'em. plus shes not from this time so she doesnt do all the dumb social things girls today do. people in that town had pure intentions, and cheating and the dumb shit broads today do wouldnt even be thought of. plus she had that real cool personality, and she was strong to deal with being blind, and brave to go thru the woods, and smart to kill the dude, and loyal to do all that for the dude in the first place. shit my last girlfriend wouldnt make me grilled cheese while she sat around my house while i worked all day to get moeny for her food/cigarettes/clothes/etc. see Ivy wouldnt have any of that. even though shes blind shed be doing her part like everyone in the village did. if everyone works at what their good at and shares the fruit of their labor we would have peace. none of this tree-huggin hippie nonsense. listen, the closest we'll ever get to world peace is everyone working for what they deserve. if you earn what you have and dont try to steal someone elses shit then thered me no money crimes. sure we all want the easy way, but if you have a strong work ethic then you know you only get what you earn through work. Ivy and the village know this so they're all workin and theres no one gettin stabbed, or cheated on or anything. hell yeah. so back to Ivy. Shes pretty and isnt dressed like a whore. and she generally represents all the qualities of a girl i like. sense of humor, kind of weird and outcasted a little without being some all out freak or someone trying to be different just to get more attention. no one cuts themselves for personal pleasure, its so somone else feels sorry and you can sponge some attention. fuck that. build something, draw something, sing something, whatever. DO something to get some attention and itll be that much sweeter. but i digress. thinkin of the village and possibly finding a chick like that gives me an internal outlet for love to try and balance my shit out. im not sure why, but even though i dont like hope, i have the hope that i will find it. then i have the hope that should i find her, ill know what i need to do to earn her love in return, which by nature should just be what im already doing. i dont want to change for anyone and i dont want them to change for me. if you have to stop smoking just to impress me than you're doing something you dont want to do for yourself (or else you would have quit already) just to get attention from someone else. fuck that keep smoking, we just wont have anything. and not that im looking down on smokers or saying theres anything wrong with them, i just dont like kissing someone with butt breath. i hate it actually. so you smoke, thats cool, no hate, but no love. but yeah i love someone just being themselves, even when we dont agree all the time, because it would be impossible. im down with whatever people do most the time when it comes to true personal intrest (not saying IM PUNK because you think one punk guy is cute, o surfing to impress a surfer chick) but if you generally like something like crocheting, thats cool as hell. im not gonna do it but it doesnt effect me in the least. im open. but then i hate alot of shit people do like all that above i listed and will not repeat. the balance. so i have alot of love to give to the real life Ivy. I have alot of love to give to all people. I do really have alot of love. but also; fuck everyone.
2 Comments.

Wow...
Besides having a slightly confusing writing style, you're a really smart guy. I feel inspired. And I hope you find your Ivy right when you need her most. Best of luck.
» desertsnowstorm on 2004-09-13 01:42:12

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» Darron (94.23.230.51) on 2010-09-03 09:06:41

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