A friend of mine recently shared with me that if I want to do my own business, I could try getting a grant. I have ideas but I have no team. This friend is offering to buy my ideas but I'm not willing to sell unless I have a share in it. It's a tug and war game. I have think hard about translating the idea into action. It is hard and lots of maintenance. Alternatively I could manage everything but it is hard since I need storage. And the other idea sounds cool but it is not feasible yet in Malaysia.

What a dilemma. I just don't know how to reach the carrot ... my stick is too short.

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La, wor, liao, etc are part of Malaysian way of talking in daily conversations, but there should be a limit imposed on its usage. I recently found the usage has been abused and it became too obnoxious to my liking. If it's in a conversation, it is not objectable by me because I used that heavily in my conversations and online chatting. But recently I found myself cringing or having 'asthma' whenever I read threads in fora. The replies were horrible. I feel the more I read those replies with extremely poor English would further deteriorate my command of English.

Man .. I need to 'wash' my eyes....

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I had an awesome week at the youth camp despite discovering a dead cockroach on my pillow in the hostel. It was gross. It made me fled to my friend's room for the night. But I had so much fun and I'm happy that I'm still high from it.

I seriously think I have grown up. Usually, I feel sad whenever I know I'm leaving the camp and returning to my reality life. That is why I hate holidays. If only holidays were able to retain your memories and happiness of that moment... then I don't mind taking holiday and return to reality. But in reality, all memories have short time span in term of pictorial. As time passes, you only remember the feeling but not the graphics anymore... But I know all good things must come to an end ... so that was why I was able to leave the camp with a smile because I know ... I came back to reality with more same minded friends. I came back with friendships... which I know I will cherish though our paths may not cross again. But we were destined to meet at that point...

Speaking of maturity, I am glad I now more matured. Usually I get saddened pretty easily when a friend didn't invite me to tea with other friends who came back from overseas. Recently, I was not called to be my friend's bridesmaid though all ex-college mates were, and finding that out only at the wedding dinner hurt like hell. And recently, a friend came back from abroad and I found out all ex-college mates went out for lunch with this friend. Inconveniently I found out on Facebook album photos. I used to rant about not including me. But somehow, I don't feel like I used to.

No matter how much I cherish my college life and friends, I realised I cherish everything I experienced during my college life. Though my friends and I are ex-college mates... life is not the same for us anymore; our friendship pattern has changed. But we have to get on with life ...

P.S = Laptop is in hospital.

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What does independent mean to you?

It means I do everything on my own; with my brain, fingers and even toes. But it doesn't exclude of not asking help. If you think my definition of independent is too selfish.

It struck me yesterday that my mother dislike my independency. We were at our usual coconut water stall getting our coconute supply. And the seller had a usual visitor who likes to rape his ears about his woes on his family like why does my student son keep asking me for money? Ridiculous. That's because the son is not working yet!!

And so .. that woe-woe guy commented to my mum "How nice to have daughters. Can talk like sisters..." My mum shot back "Yea right. This daughter (referring to me) is not nice to talk to. You ask her things she tell you to shut up. This girl is too independent. My other daughter is much better to talk to."

My reaction? Nothing. Not stun. Just plain nothing. Because I know all along that she doesn't really like me.

The woeful guy and the seller replied "Isn't it good to have an independent daughter. You can have less worries."

My mother sneered. She replied "Yea right. Too independent is not good."

I think I really felt like replying " *BEEP* OFF." No wonder I got scolded for not letting her take my blazer to the laundry.

The reason I want to curse is I have been scolded for all my life ever since I was born that I was good for nothing and she has to work her ass off to take care of the family. And in return... she got nothing... Because of all this scolding, I was dying to be independent ever since I was back in primary school. And now I could say I'm happy to live independently in the way I want. I hate to be scolded for something it is/was not my fault. It's synonym to cursing my existence in this world. You wanted kids. And here I am. So shut up and deal with it.

And I hated bitchy aunties and girlfriends telling me "Guys don't like girls to be so independent." So *BEEP* Off. I won't die if I don't have a husband or a boyfriend. I will die if I don't have money.

I never knew being independent could hurt someone. It's not I don't want to be a "burden" to other people but it's just I ought to take care of myself? And you can't blame me when I grew up in an environment that forced me to grow up.

So for my mother ... sorry I can't help her. I can't change who I am to suit her personality and thinking. And I won't change or degrade myself just because I'm not 'align' with society's norm. I will only improve to be better. Screw you.

So do you like yourself to be independent? Or you just want to be everyone's post-it-note sticker board?

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I had a fantabulous weekend!! Am still alive but not feeling well because I stuffed myself too much crap and I was having stomach discomfort... and even had food poisoning! I thought I had fully recovered but I was wrong because I now feel like vomitting whatever my mum has cooked. Nausea~ Could be my mother's too rich nutrition food. But the truth is I cannot take in lots of brown or red rice. They make me wanna puke.

Last Saturday, my ex-collegemate took me to a charity concert to support her conductor friend while me to support my company's affiliate. The concert was good but the singer was just so-so. Many of the audience thought she could have sang better songs because the first song she sang was New York New York, a broadway song. And my friend thought the organiser should get better singer since she can't hit many high notes!!! And I saw my boss walking across me... HAHA. I sms-ed him.. Guess what was his reply? His reply: Are you stalking me? My reply was: Nope. You are not in my stalking list. HAHAHA. And I was alone in the train from the concert location to my home. And I was almost ... got stranded because there was no taxi at the taxi stand. But I got home in one piece...

Sunday ... I won a pack of Uno cards in a Scrabble Challenge game in Starbucks. I'm looking forward to play in the local scrabble challenge. I want my ranking. Damn those players who said they don't want to play with me just coz I got no ranking.

And yesterday and today ... I attended a conference on bioethics. Nice!!

Tomorrow ... will be having a date!!!

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I finally received my confirmation letter a few days ago. It was indeed a relief after waited for 8 months just to see this day. I have gone through the wordings and some are pretty vague which I will definitely discuss with my boss and the manager.

Yesterday, I did a grave mistake. I think. A colleague of mine from another department came over to my office yesterday and we chatted about my appointment letter. I let her read about the benefits, and I accidentally gave her the copy which stated my salary. And she commented my salary as low. It somehow ticked me silently. And I really felt regretted [very much] for not seeing which copy to let her read.

I seriously felt my salary is not low for a staff who works 10 days in the office in a month. And what I will be getting is the half amount of the salary of a full time, which is high. And this colleague complained it is low. She suggested to me to negotiate for a higher pay.

Who doesn't want a higher pay? But to negotiate for a higher price ... I must also know my skills and experiences very well. And I know myself well. I have worked 2 years in a political think tank where most of the time I spent my time sleeping, and then I jumped into this new place with not much of work experience and skills other than the hunger to develop and progress myself.

The earning I'm getting from my new job is the same amount I earned a month in my previous job. I'm tired to explain to people about this. It's sickening and I don't owe you all an explanation. All I want is to be happy for me and support me. That is all I'm asking.

I explained this to my colleague but she doesn't seem to get it. She is able to negotiate for a higher pay because she has 10 years of work experience and I don't. But getting a 45% pay rise is not good for me? I'm content for the moment ... because I'm now exploring new areas.

I want to earn unlimited amount of money every month, though it is very tiring for me. I have to look for other jobs to bring in extra income on top of my pay. My colleague shared with me that it is a waste of money and time to travel somewhere else to work part time. I agree but what is the point of putting your 100% soul and mind energy into your full time job when you are just paid the same amount every month. Your next door colleague works less than you and yet still get the same pay as you. The only comfort the four walls offer is the financial security whether you die in the office or not, you will still get your pay and medical allowances. But I'm still getting these benefits from my new job. Not good?

All I wanted is to explore new areas to maximise my potential and also income. All I wanted is to have of both worlds - working inside and outside of the office. I don't want to spend my whole life doing paper work and not recognizing the other talents I have. My other colleague has once commented that I'm abnormal for not following the society norm - working full time. But what is there to comment about me when you are not happy to work within the four walls, and the only thing that drags you to these walls is the money you needed, not the joy of work?

I have found an office job that I enjoy very much, but still I believe in myself for having other talents. I'm unearthing them. We have been living according to society norms. Don't you ask yourself if the society norms are beneficial to us or not? Then don't you think it is time to ask what you want in your life?

I believe I will learn more things and get to know more people outside from my office. I'm the destiny designer. Just please be happy for me and supportive of me.

Thank you.

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