I don't what to write, but I feel like I should be writing something. I don't want to emote how I feel at the moment. Because I'm sure you're sick of it.

I have to poo. But I don't feel like pooing. I need to sleep but I don't feel like sleeping. I should brush my teeth..take a shower..and just sleep and sleep and sleep. I feel like I want to lie down, but I don't want to move from this spot. I feel that I need to escape this reality...that I need to be just enibriated to the point where I can't feel my feelings anymore.

I can't believe this. It's like it didn't happen...I wish over and over to hear your call. And you'll say "I love you, Phil. Moreso than ever before..." I can't imagine being without you. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I can't stop loving you. I don't want to stop. Nor will I ever. You're the best thing to ever happen to me...and now you're gone. I want so badly to take you in my arms..grace your cheek with kisses..to feel your soft skin on mine, your silken hair between my fingers, your lips lovingly placed upon mine, to feel the small of your back, caressing your hips and every inch of your body..

...I miss you so. I love you with all my heart has to give, all my soul. My entire being belongs to you.

Listen to your heart. Don't be logical, think not with your mind. Do what you feel you should do, not what you think you should do. Love doesn't make sense sometimes and that makes it beautiful. Come back to me...

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it's 1 AM. i don't know what i'm doing here. a lot has happened in the past week. let's just sum it all up with i suck at life. a lot.

i don't have a word for what i'm feeling right now. it's like my heart is broken, but there's no real reason for it....is there? i don't know.

i'm really looking forward to giving mary her gifts. well, just looking forward to seeing her of course, then making her feel loved with my presents and my presence (like that don't ya) hopefully she'll like them.

this sucks. i need to go and do something.

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i don't write in this bad boy so much any longer.

i would write more, have to get ready for work. .....................perhapsmore to come later on.

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i don't know why i do things sometimes. a lot of the time. i think i just over think a situation and come up with some crap about what i think will keep people happy rather than doing i know really should be done. for as long as i can remember that's how it's been. so i guess in a way it's hard for me to the right thing all the time. that being said, i fucked up again. but this time i've hurt...no. crushed is probably more like it. i've crushed and destroyed the love of my life by not being honest with her and making her believe and feel bad that i was being honest with her. all the while knowing that i had to tell her the truth that she deserved to know from the beginning. i really did want to tell her..wanted to tell her what scum i was. but i was too afraid of her reaction - that she wouldn't understand. that she'd throw me away for it all. i thought it would all blow over because we would be together and in love and that would be all that mattered. and now because it's been too long, i fear just that is happening.

all i ever wanted is to be with her. that 's all i want now. i'm constantly shaking..i'm always cold and alone..constantly feeling like the jackass i should. constantly feeling like she's going to leave me. it hurts so much to even think about it. i sat in her arms and cried my eyes out for hours this weekend. hyperventilating, snotting everywhere...i've never had that before. i've never cared so much. i realize i'm young, and she's even younger, and i also realize the cliche, but i don't care. i know i want to marry her and grow old with her. nothing would make me happier. i just want to be with her and maker her smile.

she has this way of being apethetic about me when i'm not around. considering we live 150 miles apart that poses a problem. i'm so scared of losing her. if she were anyone else i'd probably be ashamed of how i feel right now..but this is so different. actually, if it were anyone else i wouldn't feel this way. she is special and funny and beautiful and considerate and loving and sarcastic and whitty and gorgeous. she's all that i want.

i've decided that i from now on i'm going to think only of her. i don't care about my own pain. i need to truly let her know i love her unconditionally. let her know i could never hurt her intentionally and i will make sure she is never hurt again, reguardless the situation. i will make her happy again.

now i'm off to get a ride to court.

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excuse my terrible spanish...haven't taken the subject in like 4 years so ..l., leave me alone. my crappy middle finger^

been a while since i've updated...probaby due to the fact i've been busy over the holidays and i haven't cared enough to write in this thingy. not like anybody reads it anyway. then again, i don't advertise it either. i dunno. i actually emote in this blog and i don't really like the idea of people i know in real life being that intimate with how i feel about things. most people anyway. did i mention i hate people? they do suck quite a bit. and children...don't get me started on children.

i'm in a pretty craptacular mood at the moment. mary's going through a really rough time for her and i'm just sucking away, not being able to help her, and just hurting her in the process. i guess myself too. and obviously, that sucks. i feel like it's my fault for the past few nights sucking so bad. just don't know what to do sometimes...i guess it just comes down to my age old stupid axiom - i suck at life.

i'm sorry mary.

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watching: the hair on my face grow
listening to: the sounds of my keyboard
mood: fuck me (in the not good way)

shit. yeah that's what i feel like. i've been asleep all fucking day...literally. i just woke up. dammit. i hate being sick.

tried calling mary before on her way home..no answer. i may fall back asleep soon - i'm on some shit my mom told me to take and it enduces sleep like a champ.

shiz.

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