Is life a bottomless pit that we fall down, and one day hit the floor dying? I'm still on medication. Its taking me away from myself. I feel so distant. When someone speaks, there's a delay before I hear it and comprehend it... and respond....if I respond. I haven't been real responsive lately. Its fear. Fear of reliving my days of disappointment.

I don't know if I'm still secretly infatuated with my co-worker. I get offended really easily when I like someone. Maybe its best I avoid this person, then my fantasies can feel more real. Its hard to fantasize about someone you come to know and respect, because you [at least I do] feel guilty and want to confess. The worst thing would be to become friends.

Speaking of friends, I have this new friend. He is so adorable. He really likes me, but I can't be in a new relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend [again...but for the last time] a couple months ago. I'm still considering what to do with myself. I sort of want to have a fling with a girl just to experience it, then go back to wanting a husband, two kids, and a dog.

I feel so boring. I used to be interesting, back when I wasn't taking drugs to calm my bi-polar-ness. Its hard to live that way, though. Always thinking, analyzing, wanting, and not getting. At least my brain is number now, and I can function. I can sleep. I can eat. I can be social. I drank 4 apple martinis in 45 minutes at the company party last Friday and had an awesome time. I flirted, complimented people, and danced with Santa. The thing about my job, though, is that on Monday, everyone went back to being assholes and the whole evening is just a memory. I didn't want to take pictures, because I'm afraid of creating an attachment to my job. I want to always feel like I can leave and not miss anything.

I guess I do that with people, too. Keep them far away enough so that I can enjoy their company and not hurt if they leave me at the same time. My mom gave me my aunt's red lava lamp and its bubbling and doing its thing right now. Beautiful.

The bottom line [to this bottomless pit]: I am incomplete and no one will be able to complete me. This is something I need to realize and learn to cope with. I cling and fantasize to people whom I find attractive and objectify them. It enriches me somehow. This secret desire. This unexpected fire burning within me that no one can tame, because they don't know its there. My new friend sort of knows its there, but he knows he'll burn if he gets any closer.

I was considering being Friends with Benefits with him, but i read posts on message boards about how FWB is a bad idea. Someone always gets hurt. I hate not being rich and famous. When will all this self-hate go away? When will I be able to decide whether I want to live a fantasy or something real and painful? Either way, i'll still somehow feel alone, because that is what humans are no matter what--->ALONE. TV, alcohol, video games, bowling alleys, sports, and hobbies are all distractions. Sit anyone in a room by themselves and their brain will eat itself away with unnecessary thoughts and eventually springing up feelings of loneliness.

Well, knowing this, maybe I can still try to accomplish something. A child, maybe. Someone to love, maybe. I like movies. I live vicariously through movies. The more I think about who I am and where I'm at, the less alive I feel. I guess that's important to me... feeling alive. Almost there. I just need to grow up, because that is what adulthood is: finding a way to feel alive despite knowing all the negativity and pain that life really is about...learning to hide and dodge the pain long enough to make someone else believe we're happy. La La La... sad thought. But i'll end on that note. Cheers to someday being an "adult"!!!

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Someone called me odd recently. I don't know how i feel about that yet. I think i was insulted. Probably because it was a kid that said it, and kids are honest creatures. It wasn't a joke. it wasn't insinuating anything. it was a simple observation, and i can't seem to get over it. Its true, and it bothers me to think about how many people think this way about me... while this whole time i think that no one knows. I hope they don't care. Oddness is usually a bad thing. Something misunderstood. Something unpredictable and often scary. i am a mess right now. My drugs haven't kicked in yet and i am so ridiculously irriatble... i would laugh, but its not funny. i wish i were somewhere else. On the beach, alone on an island with a fire and a dog who will sleep beside me to keep me warm. the waves crashing a yard away from me. The fish floating along the natural currents, sucking up the algae that no one else wants. sometimes i wish i were a deer. they seem pretty smart, you know. they see a car coming, and deep down they're thinking "Go ahead, bitch. Hit me. Hit me." Then the car swerves and silly shit happens, like people die or get hurt or ALMOST die or get hurt. Then the deer goes back in the woods thinking, "Aw, schucks. Maybe next time." Fucking deer. Sometimes I wish i were a chicken. They only have one job. To run. All they do all day is run, run, run. They run in circles. They run in squares. They run AWAY from people. Smart fucking chickens. If i had the strength, energy, ability, and desire... i would run all day, too... AWAY from people. I want to go to sleep, but its only 8:40pm. That would be pathetic... if i wasted the short amount of time that i get to myself and just waste it on sleep. That's why I'm writing this. To feel some sort of alive-ness.

Sometimes I feel that everyone around me is alive, and i'm just watching them... judging them. In my mind, I am GOD. I don't have any religion, so i don't feel bad or weird saying that. hahahahahahahaha BLEEP you, and BLEEP me, and BLEEP everything!!!!!
Gosh, I don't make sense. See? I AM ODD. I guess i like it this way. Me always feeling alone, even when I'm around people. All I have are my words, and that's the closest form of communication i have that reveals anything close to the real me. The realness that i can't portray with spoken words, because people look in my eyes and aren't listening, because all they're thinking is either, "i hate her" or "i wanna do her" or "i have to do my laundry" or "i'm hungry" or "she's odd". i'm a good listener. No, I am a GREAT listener. No one deserves my listening ear, though. I'll red what someone writes, but i rarely respond. If i do, its for selfish reasons.

This whole entry is about nothing. I had a great idea about something today, but i'm not gonna tell anyone. hehehehehehe Just trust that its amazing, and someday everyone will understand.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Yes, I am a writer. But I must make clear the obviousness of the fact that I do not tell stories, stories tell me. My subjects of interest, and the manner with which I express myself, reveal with total nudity, the bare reality of who and what I am. I can't think without writing it out in my head. I can't hear a word or say a name without completely overanalyzing it in my head beforehand.

My cat just bit my foot and I yelled at him... what a nincumpoop (did i spell that right? Let me check dictionary.com... hold up...ahhh... "nincompoop: A silly, foolish, or stupid person." My cat technically isn't a person, but he sure is silly and foolish.)

Anyway, i was thinking about where I work, and you know what? I work with a bunch of assholes. Its a billion dollar industry and all everyone does is complain and bitch and moan about how that's not where they're supposed to be. They're supposed to be some rich and famous artist or musician or designer or writer or director or some other bullshi** like that. What a bunch of fu**ing morons. They are where they're at because they don't have the skill/money/drive or any resources to get themselves where they "supposedly" should really be. I've written down a quote dedicated to my boss, who is probably one of the most pathetically arrogant aassholes on Earth: "The tone of my department [where I work] forces me to believe that the arrogance that comes with being a part of a billion-dollar company makes even the most easily replacable subordinates feel self-important; thus, his own disdain comes from the belief that he deserves more or better, when in actuality he's taking for granted the little he has and doesn't deserve. No one is so important that their happiness should dedpend solely on everyone else recognizing it. That is the sympton/characteristic of a true LOSER."

Now, am I a loser for calling this guy a loser? Perhaps, but at least I can admit it and not judge him, because deep down he a witty, intellectual guy.

I wrote this today because I saw my psychiatrist and realized that I'm better. I'm on drugs to soothe my overambitious mind. It thinks I'm God, and when i can't fulfill the expectations, I become self-destructive... yada yada yada (as Seinfeld would say). We all have our shi* to deal with. God bless life and all who strive for peace, love, and happiness. Amen.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

First and foremost I would like to say a big FU** YOU to "time." Time is a fu**ed up thing, you know? It robs you of any continuous joy that we all wish we could have. It just keeps going and it forces our bodies to slowly deteriorate and turn into nothing. Yeah, alcohol and drugs somehow manage to slow time down, but we lose HOURS of recovery in the process.

I have a confession to make... let me see what date it was... ahh, yes, Friday, August 27, 2004. My boyfriend called me to make up that day. I took the day off from work because I popped a cold sore on my face and it created a nickel-size welt. (Yes, I'm vain.)

So, yeah, he called. I sorta wanted it, but I sorta didn't. You see, he's a big baby, and I find myself "mothering" and "nurturing" him in more ways than one. Its draining, because I need the same from him ("fathering"), and he can't give it to me. He can be sensitive, but only sometimes. I don't know. Its weird how I resent him when he's not around and LOVE HIM when he's by my side. Its like my co-worker that I am obsessed with. When we talk, I'm on top of the world. When we're apart, I just want to destroy and murder this person. I put up with my boyfriend because he's FINE AS HELLLLL!!!!! I know that looks fade with age, but he turns me on just at the thought of him, and that's something NO MAN has EVER done before. (except for Jonathan Brandis [actor] when I was younger, may he Rest in Peace).

Needless to say, my boyfriend proposed marriage over the phone in a desperate attempt to say he's sorry without really saying it. I was actually shocked and happy at the same time, because little did he know... he was admitting defeat. I won. I hate how everything is war to me, how I have to win and dominate every situation. I like my boyfriend, though, because he makes me lose [the game] while at the same time he wants me to win. (or something...did that make sense?) God, I'm such a loser. I think we've been going out long enough (almost a year) that a proposal isn't THAT ridiculous of an idea, but I can't wait to get married and have kids. After all, I'm 23.9 years old. My body is at its baby-bearing peak.

So after we hung up and agreed to "take things slow", I felt dirty for not admitting that the whole time I have been with him, I've been fantasizing about someone else. I ended up drinking a SHITLOAD of alcohol. I wrote a letter in a WORD document on my laptop and danced crazily for hours. The letter I wrote was very incoherent, now that I look at it, but its REALLY honest. That's probably the ONLY good side effect of alcohol, the fact that it makes people honest. I won't share what I wrote, but I'll say that I love my boyfriend and am infatuated with my co-worker.

Here's the confession: I got alcohol poisoning and ended up going to URGENT CARE the next morning to get an examination and pills to alleviate the nausea. I was told to 1) drink lots of water 2) eat lots of food 3) see a psychiatrist. My mom was sort of upset at #3, but I confessed to the doctor that I had suicidal thoughts.

I took the following Monday off, because believe it or not (3 days later) I was still hung over. (The shittiest 3 days of my life. I think I'm allergic to alcohol. I'm NEVER gonna drink more than one glass again.... hehehehe) That Monday, I saw a psychiatrist (luckily someone cancelled and there was an opening). He prescribed me pills for my depression and I've been on them for two weeks. Not only am I eating now (I was borderline anorexic before this), but I am happy. I haven't had a SINGLE fight with my boyfriend nor my mother. I've e-mailed and rekindled old friendships, and I actually have hope that life MIGHT be worth living.

OK, so there's a happy ending for ya. The interesting thing is that I admitted to my boyfriend that I am infatuated with someone else and all he said was, "Will it interfere with OUR relationship?" I wasn't sure what he meant by that, so I replied, "I am devoted to you and only you. My infatuation is the same as you admiring Jessica Alba, whom you'll never meet, but find attractive." This comforted him, I guess... but with my new attitude, I notice that my CRUSH/OBSESSION has been talking to me more at work. I'm easier to talk to now that I'm on drugs. God, I just wanna kiss or hump this person ONCE. JUST ONCE!!!! Hmm, but I will ever tell anyone? Yeah, I can't lie to people I love. Oh well... its good to dream.

So anyway, I was gonna stop writing on Nutang, but I would feel like a hypocrit if I didn't, because I still read OTHER people's blogs, and its only fair that I write one for myself for other's to read, too. I want to end this by saying that life is a very balanced CREATURE. WE have severe UPS (like going to Disneyland, which I recently did) and severe DOWNS (having suicidal thoughts because we are selfish and forget that life isn't a ONE-WAY road).

God, sometimes I don't know what I'm talking about when I re-read what I wrote. Its a wonder that I can even have conversations with people. I tend to speak in metaphors and similes a lot. What a nerd! Geez, am I a nerd? Isn't that a bad thing? Whatever. I'm gonna work on my screenplay now. I've already written two bad ones. Maybe this one will turn out okay. I feel better now that I wrote this. TTYL

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Someone commented on my first entry about "video games". That's bull shi**!!! I knew there was a conspiracy. You see, I'm trying so hard to keep my identity a fu**ing secret, so I can "feel" open and honest about things, and some STRANGER has to comment about "video games". Well, you're probably wondering why I'm flipping out. Its because I work in the video game industry and I don't think its any fucking coincidence that someone has to comment about some "smells" during "video game" playing. I'm trying to keep my crush's identity a secret, and if anyone found out who it was... they'd either laugh their ass off at me or be shocked... because you have no IDEA how UGLY this person is. Not only spiritally and emotionally, but PHYSICALLY. The bottom line is that I'm a cruel person. I am attracted to fu**ed people with real problems that I can't fix. I like to stare at them and watch them squirm, then give them false hope, then abandon them. That's what people have done to me my WHOLE life. They saw my weaknesses and exploited them. Finally, I grew up and became a woman. My body matured, and now I have decent enough looks to lure and manipulate people to any extent that I want. Its revenge at its best. Like my profile says, "Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." (William Congreve) I am a woman scorned. Forever scorned. Only one person can heal me... myself. I refuse it, though. Because everything else about me I feel is fine. I have friends, hobbies, goals, and desires. The only thing I can't maintain is an intimate relationship, so I desire the most undesirable and set myself up to have the inevitable power to hurt them. Go ahead and hate me. Its inside all of us, I'm just honest and aware about it. People will tell me its because I had no father, blah, blah, blah... that's even BIGGER bullshi**, because I hate it when people blame their childhood-into-adult problems on the poor unfortunate circumstances they were given in life. That IS life, people!!! Complain, complain, complain. A girl can only wish that people weren't so self-involved. Hmmm... I'm contradicting myself. (What a hypocrit.) It only makes me .005% sad that I don't believe in opening up to anything or anyone. The thing is, though, that I've read some serious shit on Nu-Tang about rape, betrayal, suicide attempts, and severe suffering. I connected with that and felt all my pent up secrets just yelling at me to let them out. What I hate, and at the same time see as a fun challenge, about my entries is that I'm all speaking in code, and trying to be vague. But then some freaking person has to go and comment on the one thing I didn't want to talk about. Well, fu** it. Yeah, video games. Its a retarted job, but I'll find a better one.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

This things on Eastern time. Ewww... but I don't judge. I am giving this a shot, because I've read a few peoples' blogs that blew me away. I probably can't blow people away like that, but it felt good, so I'm gonna try. Hmmm... big news today. I decided to send my resume to that place I had promised myself I would apply to. The only thing holding me back was comfortability. I am VERY comfortable at my job, because I finally got a promotion and people are bginning to notice me. Then again, its a shitty place to work if you think about it. I'm constantly forced to listen to jack-off jokes, allusions to gayness, derogatory statements against women, and the list goes on. I'm hoping this new place that I applied to will show me what "professionalism" is. I tend to not get my hopes up about things like work, but it never hurts to have limits and goals. So its over with my boyfriend. Some may say that I did it on purpose. I forced him to dump me. Well, I don't know. He's been a big fu**er sh**head for a long while now, and yes I was tired of it, but more than anything, he did it to himself. That's the sad part...I knew it was coming, but I was in denial. I have a co-worker who distracts me. No, I don't interact with this person everyday, but I would like to. Actually, i would like to confess that I have had a small, but large, obsession with this person since the day I got hired. It was one of those infatuation at first sight sort of things. To this day, I couldn't describe to you what makes this person attractive, because the typical human walking along the road would say "Eww" upon first glance. Oh well, I'm an odd one, as my 2nd cousin says. I've miraculously accomplished one thing, though. I memorized this person's smell. I can conjure it whenever I want. It used to turn me on, but now I just feel elated. How do strangers do that to me. Deep down, when I ask myself with all honesty what I want from this person, I know that its PURELY physical and would all be over after one kiss. But god damn, how I imagined that shi* 400 different ways from Thursday. Yes, a million kisses good night to that stranger who has no idea I'm there. Mysteries of life.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!