I don't believe what a monster I am. I did something I can't forgive myself for... A stray thought of mine apparently made its way to the keyboard and to the worst person it could've possibly found. Yes, I think everything is truly gone now. Emerald gave the hardest goodbye I've ever had to face. The worst part is, I can't even remember saying it. Typing it, that is. I could swear on my life that I went to sleep. None of my friends know my password... none of them would ever to get in the way of my mindset either... It had to have been me that said it. It's not like some random person would just hack into an account and send a message to her. So it had to be me. No liquor, either. Straight me. And what I apparently said was a lie to me... I think. I don't actually remember the text anymore, just the gist of it. But I don't believe I'd call someone so deeply embedded into my heart a bitch. I just can't imagine it. I don't know me anymore. I am a beast for doing this. I can't even trust myself to remember things anymore... Talk about living in the land of the damned. If every second of life is truly fated, Fate gave me the shortest straw and I drowned in the wishing well of life.

I don't want to think about this anymore... I'm amking myself so flustered... When that Native American chose my lore for me all that time ago, when he chose the raven, he was right. I think I'll dig up the beak he gave to me. He called me Watcher of the Dead as he put it in my hand, and I asked what he meant by it. He wouldn't answer my question, but finally he told me, "The raven is always last to fall." I'll end up struggling to the very end, trying to see a truth burning brightly in my face.

I'm not doing a good job getting out of my depression rut. Time to switch subjects again... My band came out with a CD after... what? Four years of recordings. Dead Puppet On a String is some good stuff and anyone who might read this should get it. Tivania - Dead Puppet On a String. Remember that. It's about thirty-five minutes of goodness in seven songs. 80's style metal, by the way. Purely awesome... and J.P. and Johan and Tony seriously deserve some credit for putting in all that work. And everyone else. It took a long time, but at least we got the thing produced. Interscope and Century Media are digging it, by the way. Tony's voice, Johan's, J.P.'s, Tony's, and my thrashing on guitars and stabbing at keyboards my just get us signed. Ah, one success.

I guess that brings me to the point that mixing music is very tedious. I wrote a song earlier... just a "quick reflection" type song... and it's all rendered and I have the channels all separate and everything, but I can't for the life of me decide what effects to use. I know I want this thing to have a good beat, sound a little grainy, have a little reverb and maybe a choral element... but I still don't know how to go about it. It's really frustrating. To have worked on this song for such a long time and having everything done but post-recording stuff. Man. This sucks.

I don't know... My thoughts keep getting dragged back to Emerald. I wanted to leave without something like this happening... but my wake seems to birth misfortune. And everyone who knows me knows I tread straight through my past all the time... And all I did was useless.

Back to where it all began... back to where it all began. "Look there, you're well aware, you blew that one and now you care... Don't worry, you'll find her - you might be right behind her."

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