Crap. My thoughts have been tilted towards suicide as of late... I want to continue things with Emerald like they were. All of this "keeping away" shit is really taxing. I don't know about things anymore... I want to end all of this but I don't want it to end. I mean, I don't want to move on and I don't suppose I will but I don't want to try to make her do anything for me either. I can't deal with what I got myself into.

Since suicide is a supposedly a bad way to escape temporary problems, it wouldn't weigh heavy on anyone's concience for long if I killed myself, right? If they would've gotten over it anyway, why not speed up the process? I know that everything I've done has to effect Emerald more than she says. If I weren't here to screw things up and drag her down, she'd be happy. I realize how much of a leech I am... with my wanting so much from her. There's no way my clinging to her couldn't drag her down in some way.

As hard as it is to say it, I know I love her. I want to make everything right for her, make her happy... I put her before myself even though she told me not to. I really don't care what happens to me as long as her life goes well and she's happy. Sure, I may get jealous over things, I may want to do some of the things she's doing or talk to the people she talks to, and I know I want to talk to her but I can't. People have told me that she seems happy since I've left her alone so I know what I'm doing is right, even if it hurts me. My method for not bugging her is making me a very dislikeable person also... I've had a great deal of people tell me how rude or what a bastard I am recently. And, if I did kill myself, there'd be nothing left holding her back from all she's capable of... There are many upsides to my death.

I've been told that I had to believe in what I was doing to make everything come out right. I live everyday hoping there's a chance that I can fix things with Emerald somehow, that I could make her happy by doing something... but if she's happier while I'm gone, so be it. It's never going to be alright again if I'm still around... and now I'm even having selfish thoughts. I'm hoping that, in some way, she'll remember me. I don't know if it would cause pain or not but I do want it... but that's hoping for too much... Goodbye.

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