today was shiit like usual. woke up to the sounds of my stupid brother doin sum wannabe drumming crap. i drove today wen my dad came home. feeling a bit more confident. yeah, that dusnt work. dropped off bro to practice at MOM. then went to freese. couldnt get comm. service app's cuz stupid lady wasn't there. saw mrs. starks, my 3rd grade teacher. it's been oh so very long. hafta do sumthin else for 6to6. whatever. went to skyline library. went to chula dmv and followed ppl takin their test. wonder if they noticed. picked up bro. went to sy dmv and stalked ppl agen. got caught. embarassing. lady was biitch. who gives a flying fuk. "..i got ur license plate number" suck the dick that i will never have. went to south cv library. took another practice sat thing. another 500+. car ignition wouldn't turn. went bak in library& waited for mom. used other key. drove bak home.

that was the general.

I CAN'T DO NE THING RIGHT. made a few errors in driving. whatever. im not perfect. in the library while i was waitin for mother..dad found sum SAT videos..biitched at me like why he's lookin for this stuff..i should be lookin for it "be aggressive..i dint have this wen i was in school..do u have any goals?!" JES FUKING KILL ME NOW AND LET ME OUT OF MY MISERY and got biitched about "poor planning" since i'm doin this freese stuff all late. jes got my mother's email which i shoulda got long ago today..biitch'n bowt my poor planning agen. i'm fuking sorry i couldn't fukin doin it earlier. shiiit. im sorry that I FEEL SO PRESSURED that I AM SO PRESSURED. and i'm sorry i dont think i can't deal with this. TAKE ME NOW, GOD. CUZ IM READY! i dont wanna live this life ne more. life is jes a competition to be the best. and i jes wanna be me. but i can't. cuz that's not how u'll survive, if i survive at all.

my birthday is coming up, for all those who dont kno or don't care, and all i want is sumthin that no1 in this world can give me. no1 can buy it at a store. all i want is TO BE HAPPY. i want things to be easier. but that's impossible. and as much as i complain and feel so dammn hurt..no1 can do ne thing about it. no matter what ne1 sez..no1 can change how i feel cuz no1 can do ne thing about it. they can't change the rules the cruel world has alredi set for itself these past years. this year i turn 16..but i see nothing sweet about turning 16. turning 16 jes means more pressure for me. it means more responsibilities. it means being put to higher standards& expectations. it means another year at trying to be the best. I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO MY BIRTHDAY this year. cuz i jes want to let go of ev'rything. my birthday should be a day of happiness. but what's there to be happy about? i kno that sounds..cynical? ((dus that even make sense?))..or ungrateful. but i ges u dont understand. ok so sure i'm happy to have a roof on my head..clothes to cover myself in..and shoes to protect my feet from the rocky road ((not the ice cream, stupid)). and for ppl who seem to care about me. that ppl have it worse than i do. and i should be happy to be able to live another year. but i dont want to. it's too hard for me. i dont see myself making it. i see myself failing. i dont see myself in the future. i dont even kno if i wanna see myself in the future.

no, i'm not asking you to feel sorry for me. i'm asking u to LISTEN. cuz that's all i want from you now. cuz nothing u can say or do will change ne thing. u cant change the inevitable. and u can't change wha alredi happened.

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