Here I am needing to write a two page paper and I have one paragraph complete...

I can't concentrate

Not that that is anything new...

But I also dont want to be around people. Ashley and Lauren will be back late tonight which is good because I really don't want to talk to them, or any girl for that matter. Weird as it is but the only people I called were my male friends. I did this because I knew they wouldn't tell me what I didn't want to hear, but rather tell me what I wanted to hear because that would be safe. Girls offer advise and make judgements hastily. I didn't want to hear them.

Really I didnt call anyone because I wanted answers or to hear their take on the situation. I made sure that they didn't give me advise because I wanted to be sure that everything I felt was what I had come up with, not someone else. But I just wanted to stop feeling so alone, to hear someone respond on the other end, to hear myself say it over and over again, to hear it outloud, to see how it felt in my mouth, to see how I felt saying it, and to know that someone heard me. Just to feel that someone else was out there who knew what I felt and who could say, yes this is real. To be reminded that I am human and alive and feeling. I meant it when I said that they still helped even though all they did was answer the phone. That was all I needed... someone to answer their phone and listen. For those who didn't I got the message and appreciate it, I understand.

We all fool ourselves into thinking that we are exceptions to the rule of human nature. That we have captured some ability to go against all tendencies. Very rarely is this the case, because it's harder. But we can. We can be that exception and it is those exceptions that I would hold my faith... my trust. Humans are effecient and they take short cuts in their thinking. Humans also have a bad memory of past events and even though two people were there each remembers it differently. Maybe you meant to say something but it came out the other way and what the person heard was something different, or maybe what you did say wasn't what you wanted to say but you said it anyways. Or maybe kissing isn't a big thing to one person but it is to another, or cuddling doesn't even qualify for need of mentioning in the events that happened because fuck it, it's just cuddling. Maybe old habits never die.

When do we admit to ourselves that perhaps we don't even know ourselves. When does it stop being an illusion and start being reality? Or can we never tell and that is the trick to mastering life... to figure out which is which, and when you can't just ride with it...

I just want to be alone.

And here's the difference...
The difference is that you should’ve said no from the start. You should’ve had the decency to break things off with me first. and where is your conscience. it scares me that you could do such a good job hiding this and not feeling guilty for 6 months, let alone 6 amazing months.

How many times are you going to have to cheat on me when things get rough and you're questioning yourself before you figure out I'm the one, because honestly, you said the exact same damn thing after you broke up with Desi, that you knew, well something like that shouldnt' change after taking a break. As I've said before, if there was a doubt you should've told me like you promised... those were the only stipulations to letting you back in. How can I trust that you will tell me the next time you dont feel the same way? You promised me last time, and you broke that. Two strikes. Am I supposed to wait around for two more years to get hurt for the third time.

You are proud of yourself for not having started a relationship on the side with this chic and that that for you is a big step of improvement. It does not cancel out the fact that what still happened was also wrong.

You must be willing to say no, no matter how questionable you feel about a relationship because you are still committed to it. So when things are shitty and rough and insecure, saying that that is how you felt about “us” is not a good enough excuse to cheat. That is what a relationship is bonded by… that ability to stay loyal no matter how horrible it is, because if you can only stay loyal when things are good then there is no lasting to that relationship. That is not fair.

It is not fair that I said no when I could’ve say yes. It’s not fair that even when I was frusterated and feeling hurt I still stayed loyal because we weren’t broken up. It’s not fair that even though I was the one to break things off because it was my last chance to get things right that I was more committed to making us work than you were. You gave up.

It was you giving up “we’re hanging by a thread” that made me break up with you in the first place, it pissed me off that you had that little faith in yourself and in us to make things work. You made it happen because you doubted it so much. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And even after the fact, you still couldn’t stick up for your feelings about me. It was too tempting to deal with the now and present, and that saying Yes to a relationship just because you feel a certain uncertainty about that relationship should suddenly excuse you from acting loyally.

There are always going to be times when you don’t like the relationship, when you don’t even like me, when you don’t know how you feel. But as long as you have not asked for a break and are said to be with me then you have no right to explore those feelings with someone else. I don’t kiss and cuddle or hold hands with someone who I thought at the time I had a connection with because it was different and seemingly easier because they liked the things I liked every time I wasn’t sure of how I felt about the relationship and the opportunity came across me. That is called commitment. That is called loyalty. That is called unconditional.

I honestly don’t care how in question you were about your feelings for me, you made a promise and you broke it. If you said I meant that much that you would hang on to any thread of hope to be with me then why did you need someone else to validate those feelings for you? Why if a THREAD of hope to be with me was all you needed to jump back in did you suddenly find yourself contemplating being with someone else a few days later? If you wanted to be with me as much as you thought you did to say yes in the first place then you must’ve fooled yourself. You overestimated how much the idea of me would make you happy, would mean to you. That sort of feeling doesn’t wane in the presence of someone new. I think more it was for security. You wanted your spot back but really hadn’t even thought about if you wanted a spot with someone else. You shouldn’t have to try on someone else for size before you can figure that out. Why would you have to be with someone else for one fucking night to figure out how you felt about me>

When I said we needed to take a break that was my “kiss and cuddle” with someone else. But the point is, I didn’t actually do it with someone else. I did it without someone else, by just taking away you, not adding someone. You shouldn’t measure your feelings about someone in comparison to another. Just because someone scores a 60 and the other person scores a 30 doesn’t mean you should actually be with the 60. What if 60 isn’t good enough? What if that is not what you need? Just wait for the 100. Everyone should have their own scale and it should just be between you and them. That is what I did and that is all I expected of you to do and you promised you would. I didn’t ask you to tell me if you felt less of me in comparison to someone else, I asked if you felt less of me in comparison to 100 percent me.

meggyo, I love you. If you need me i al here for you, even if you just need to let it out and have me listen.
i wish you had the same break as towson you could join and casey and i on our "girl road trip".
*big hug*

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