So I just got done talking to Frank for about an hour, we needed to catch up on things that have been going on mostly in his life with Lacy. I am always surprised at the openess of the conversation, and it sure isn't initiated by me. So essentially we got onto the topic of sex. Talked about condoms breaking, fears of pregnancy, pulling out, first times, first I love you's, who you should and should not be having sex with, marriage, and that all of course and it's relevance to Sarah and Lacy. Mostly he talked and I listened. I mentioned how my mom once told me that sex was the glue that binded a marriage together, and I never realized or accepted that that might be true till about a year ago. It in essence then is what is one of the major things that distinguish our partner from our friend. My mom also said that being on an infertility plan to try and get pregnant was the worst thing that could have happened to her marriage because you had to have sex whether you were in the mood or not, it was scheduled. It felt like a chore. Well anyways, that and the no premarital sex was about the only conversation my mother and I ever had about sex. I argued with her that some people who are married shouldnt' be having sex and some people who aren't married are responsible enough to. Basically, what my conclusion on the matter of pre martial sex is, from talking to Frank and my own thoughts: Unless you are prepared to take the consequences whether it be a disease or a baby and you can honestly see yourself being happy with that person for the rest of your life if either were to develope, then you can have sex. If not, then there are too many risks and to have a baby and not be a father, or to have a disease and need to let your future spouse know you got it once while knocking up with some person you thought you loved. If you can see the person you are with as being the father or mother of your child, or one that would stick with you if you or both of you had say, herpes, then you are ready to have sex, if you want to that is.

In addition, the timing of saying I love you and proposing. Take Frank for instance. We both shared when our first I love yous were to his ex girlfriend and Keith and if he was ready to say it to his current girlfriend or not. Just because his relationship with Sarah lasted 2 years only, doesn't mean he shouldn't have said I love you when he did, because at the time he did. So to his wondering if it's too early to say it to Lacy I'd sya hold off a bit because they are still in the honeymoon stage but if that is what he feels, then that is what he should say. Now proposing is another yet similar concept. He was about to propose to Sarah about a year ago because he was so head over heels with her, but his parents warned him not to and to get to know her more and give it time. Well fortunately he did hold off because his feelings for her drifted even though she always had it in mind to marry him, which I think distracted her energy from concentrating on the present. He said that if he had proposed that he would've stuck it out and lived his life unahppy because when he made that proposal it's just as good as a vow, saying, I want to and will spend the rest of my life with you, for better or worse. Now I wouldn't want someone, whether they proposed or didn't propose to stay with me if feelings drifted, but that is a good approach to the matter I guess, not take it lightly, it is a committment even if there has been no ceremony yet. So when DO you know? When do you know you know the person enough, and can concretely conclude that they are the one? Honestly, I don't think you can really... but I do think you can conclude whether or not you are willing to stick with that person through the tough and good times or not. Whether if sickness or tragedy or poverty or loss you would still want to be with that person. It's not about finding the perfect person necessarily. It's finding the person who can make you grow, who can force you to become a better person, who can comfort you like none other, who will believe in you and fight for you when you want to give up, and who will UNCONDITIONALLY stick with you through anything. That is the promise one should make to another when they want to take that final step. That you will fight for you, work for you, and never give up on you... you being the two wholes that make a bigger whole.

I think the feeling to propose is the same sort of feeling that overcomes someone when they first want to say I love you. You just know. I guess it's different in that love can change into different forms that may wane and wax back and forth to friendship or aquaintance or family. However if you think about it marriage changes too. The marriage you went into at the beginning might be about sharing things, living together, cooking, cleaning, loving, sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other constantly... all that icky love gooshy stuff. But then marriage takes on a new role. It's there for financial security, you start sharing money, working to supoort each other, buying investments like cars and houses. Then it can become one about family. You are together for your family, the kids, the pets, the hobbies and school. Then once the kids are out of college and on their own it's back to work and money and some "you" time. Then retirement if you ever do that, and marriage is about grandchildren, and family, and cooking and cleaning and living together and paying bills that has become like an old habit and reading together and rocking in rocking chairs and finding a new hobby... that icky gooshy love stuff. It's kind of full circle with each new level just adding on to the next. So really, marriage changes just like love does and each stage of marriage comes with new challenges.

So when you say you want to marry someone it can't be someone who will fit just the first part of the marriage. It can't be someone who you just wnat to come home to after a day at work and cuddle in bed with. It has to be someone you can sweat over the bills and still go to bed happy with. It has to be someone you can't even speak to when you get home because you are so tired from driving the kids to practice and making dinner and cleaning and doing errands after work and have them not be angry at you for falling asleep before they had time to say I love you back. It has to be someone that if your child were sick would do everything to make it ok and sacrfice what was needed to make them better, even if that was just their shoulder to cry on every night. It has to be someone who when your children say they hate you and storm out of the house can look into your eyes and tell you that you are still a good parent and goes chasing after the child to make sure they are ok. It has to be someone that is reliable, forgiving and supportive. It has to be someone that when all you can do is walk from the couch to the kitchen to the car and back to bed, still surprises you, makes you laugh, enlightens your mind and heart, teaches you and challenges you. It has to be someone who you are willing to fight for because you know you will get more out of it than they will if they are with you.

Sometimes saying I love you loses its meaning when it is said too often. You are right about timing.
» kKAMa67 on 2007-02-19 11:31:24

that was...
brilliantly written...that's all I've got to say
» Rip-Tide-Prophecy on 2007-02-20 11:59:56

you are very wise for your age miss. Everyone should read this before they think about making such big steps in life.
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» Jasper (80.81.159.20) on 2010-09-03 07:57:36

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