So I feel kinda ill... and bored, so why not write an entry that might get me into a great mood eh? Well, I figured one was due, since it is this very blog that started everything for me to be able to celebrate a one year anniversary with Keith. Mm that's right, this freakin blog that my first friend in Hershey made me try out cuz we were bored one summer day. I remember exactly how it started too, I was over at her house where the computer is in this cubby hole at the top of the stairs and I couldn't get the whole html thing before they put in those links that do it for you. Yes, we were some of the first fellows who wrote on this thing and since we were the babies we of course were able to read EVERYONE's blogs if we were bored enough. So, I read this dude's and this other dude's and eventually commented on a dude's who in turn commented on mine. I could probbaly find those comments if I looked back far enough.

So anyway, then we started talking online, and I know, I've told this story like a million times but there might come a day when I forget and will need someone to read it back to me like in the Notebook. BUt yea, I left a message on his buddy profile thing even before we really talked and one day he "randomly imed me". THat year was senior year in high school for me and Keith had jsut turned 18. He was going to AACC and I Hershey High. Everyday I would come home on the BUS! and go to my mom's room before she got home from wherever she was, and was always greeted by this im the moment I signed online, which, to say the least, always made my day :). I remember our first conversation even, and how we exchanged basics like our family situation, and names of brothers. Then one day we were the only ones online so I gave Keith my phone number and he called... and that voice for the first time, how little did I know that soon I'd get to hear it everyday. I remember one embarassing moment when we were playing some question game, or maybe he just asked if he could ask a question, and it was along the lines of, "How far have you gone with a guy?" and I totally screwed up the answer, then of course apologized for lying online. But more than that I remember talking everynight when I went to the Beach with Courtney the summer after senior year, and being told I had "too many guys" cuz David A and Tim were calling too, due to boredom of course. More than that even, I remember the changes I went thru that senior year of high school.

I became more outgoing, had more self confidence and had someone to share all my problems with. In that way maybe I was able to trust and become closer with someone who I never had even met, which made what we have now. I remember talking about my trials and tribulations with the "boy problems" and eventually those became "keith issues" and thennn, "us discussions". Everyone in Hershey somehow had found out about Keith, and some still have yet to meet him. As much as I have grown, I think Keith has grown equally much. I will always recall the day we first met, and the strings I pulled to get me to Maryland. There were two more visits that I relied on friends to get me there rather than revealing to my parents the truth, until one night when I was at the beach and keith called my parents by accident and that dreaded ride home from Dewey Beach when I knew my dad was waiting for me to probably want to kill me. I think he handled it better than my mom tho, which was one of the few times I cried at that point in my life. That was the first time I broke my parents trust... and since then I have been trying to not only gain it back for myself but for the people I love too.

I remember the conversation my parents and I had when I boldly asked the question, " So what do you think of Keith" after we had picked him up from his house one day and he stayed over the night to meet my parents, then dropped him off. "If I could see you marrying someone, it would be someone like keith" my mom shocked the hell outta me with that one and even though she stays skeptical for my own protection, at least I still believe it. The terms "son in law" and "parents in law" started to come up during the holidays this past year, my sophomore year in college, and to everyone, those terms felt comfortable, although I dont think I ever shared that with Keith oops.

The in between stuff consisted of the Aquarium/cheesecake factory/first hand hold... and for people who think that the first kiss is the determinant for the future of the relationship, I always thought that the hand hold was, and to say the least I nervous as shit. There was then time for me to go off to college at Slippery ROCK which would be not 100 miles from Keith, but 250 miles or so. Everynight I looked foward to 9pm, and it was no longer saying goodbye online at 9pm for him to go call "the ball and chain" (god I hate that term), but to say hello cuz he was calling me. Amanda my awesome roomie always laughed at me and one night I started hooking Keith onto Everwood Tuesday nights when I had to watch it at 9pm with Ashlei. There was a visit to see him at his house one weekend which the memories consisted of watching airplanes... and other things which although still ingrained in my mind as if I just performed them, I doubt I will ever reiterate or say outloud again due to the feelings that followed afterward made those memories shameful and hurtful. When he drove me home after such a visit I remember distinctly sitting on the couch and his phone ringing. He was to my left, and he answered. It was Mike, and the side of the conversation that I actually heard was more muffled than the side that I could hear just as clearly... keith: Hello? Mike: hey what's going on? Keith: I'm in PA Mike: oh that must suck. Keith: yea, it doessss. mike: when are you going to be home? me: is that mike, tell him I say hi! keith: umm, sometime tonight (completely ignoring me).... etc etc etc. We went to Neato Burrito after that with Tom and David and Court prolly and I got one to go, all the time asking this boy who was sitting next to me on a corner, "what's wrong" as he sat in this thinking, confused face. I knew then, but of course I ignored it cuz it was easier.

I remember laying in my bed maybe taking a nap when I got an im from some screen name I did not know, and before I could respond they signed off. How differently I would've handled the news had I actually talked to Desi before Keith that day. I remember standing in Rocky's after going to the gym perhaps that night when I got Keith's phone call and he wouldn;t say a word till I was inside my dorm building and sitting down in the study lounge on the second floor away from the windows facing the front of the building on the right side of the couch. I sat speechless, and suprisingly not suprised at the news. I couldn't yell or cry or be angry even, just dullingly hurt and knowing that my instincts had been right all along. After getting off the phone, I threw it at my bed and went to the bathroom while Amanda sat still waiting to hear why I just said, "what an asshole". I remember trying to act upset more than I really felt like I was, because more I think I was mad at myself. I sat hunched on my bottom bunk that Amanda and I had decided like we were two halves of the same whole that I would be bottom and she would top. I told her two sentences of what happened and she offered exactly the support I needed. Kara and Kate came down later, and Katie found out too. The night was completed with the spilling of two broken hearts over aim between me and a girl I had only heard about. How similar we were in some ways and realized why it was us and not two other people. I remember songs that she mentioned were special to her and to this day I hate listening to them which is a shame cuz they really were beautiful songs. I have tried to associate other things and feelings with them, and my friends have helped me do so. I think the way I reacted to such a thing would be similar to how I would handle the death of my child, or shocking news that someone I know is a murderer (I am currently reading THE PACT and these issues are delt with in the book). My brain wouldn't know what to do but be calm, too calm, too calm to think or know what to say or ask. I spent that night up reading magazines Kate brought down to the room for me after Amanda had gone to sleep, such as Cosmo and Seventeen. She said to "look at the hot boys" and forget things. I tried, but it was so superficial I needed something real. So I called David W and we went for a walk with me on the phone trying not to get caught by the police who were sitting in their cars wondering why anyone would be out at 3am walking around campus in the rain. It is a wonder that my phone didn't die. I went back to the study lounge and said goodbye at 6am. Went to my room to find Amanda up getting ready for waterpolo practice. She left and I sat up waiting for my 9am class to start. I wasn't tired until the minute I sttepped into that class and had to be held awake my Diana who sat behind me watching my head drop off every minute or so. I think I might've gone to sleep after that. (wow that could be a chapter in some novel, damn)

So anyways, the next time I saw Keith was when him and Mike came to Hershey to visit and because my parents didn't want me to see him at all (after spending 30 minutes outside Friendlys crying hysteriaclly while Tom came out to give me his coat, I talked my mom into letting keith come to the HOUSE). However, I met them at Indian Echo Caverns and we went to Harbour coffeehouse where Mike ate almost the entire choc bar I gave him for xmas and I tried to look Keith, with his new glasses in the eye. We went back to my house and that evening the guys headed out to Philly to meet some chic Mike was acquainted with. The next time I saw Keith had to have been around January 7th, and I gave him his Christmas present then just cuz I had it from before. A beanie that he doesn't have anymore and a mug that is in the cupboard in his house. Everyone told me to not see Keith that early after, and I probably shouldn't have, but I did and that is how January 7th became our anniversary. We had been broken up for a month, but I gave in.

Since then there was revealing the fact that I thought SRU would be a good school for Keith and he applied, and got accepted, after getting accepted to Towson too, which I received the call for when I was in the Marketplace with the girls and I danced around screaming making myself look like an idiot. Wouldn't be the last time I'd do that either. There was Valetines Day which I still have the email from with a 300 question survey or some such attached. There were cards sent and something that never ended were the 9pm phone calls. Eventually what we talked about was what we did, and after a summer of festivities including 6 flags, hershey park, 4th of july, keith's birthday, my birthday, cheeseburger paradise my bday again, loaded questions and scattagories... I had met almost everyone and enjoyed going to maryland more than I did being home. I would take days off work to leave after work and get back before work started up again, I would work and leave Keith home to go to Gettysburgh with my dad, and somehow we saw each other almost once every other week.

Then it was move in time to SRU and the first time I saw him on campus was when he walked to North Hall where I was helping Freshmen move in, him wearing his blue mesh shorts, white beater and blue/purpleish hoodie I had given him that was mine but I never wore, complete with his awesome red and black flip flops that were necessary for any college student. At college we did most of the things we had talked about: laundry, learned how and played pool, slept in maybe once, ate breakfast and late nights, did take out Boozel, went to lectures and comedians, walked each other to class, and were just steps away instead of hundreds of miles. We found Cicis, went to movies, played cranium, and got harassed by his floormates. He found a job at the first store we went to, which the application to was filled out on a book about some football thing in the back of the store. I called Mike to see if he could be used as a reference. I started doing office hours really early in the morning cuz Keith had to work and so we did breakfast at 7:30am. There were wake up calls, sandwiches made for break, and the famous waffles. Keith found game night and I had Americorps. $5 pizza nights were always fun too. Although it was everything we had wished for, the adjustments made me love him more and dislike myself. Eventually I got rid of the chemicals which, although kept me from getting pregnant, made me lose my sense of self and mind to the point where I pulled myself away from everyone I ever really wanted in my life, including Keith, Cindy and my friends. The only people who really knew me or talked to me most of the semester were my parents who when I called, would get on the phone line jointly cuz neither of them by themselves could handle my problems. Not to mention that seeing someone who had taken away a lot of my self confidence and even self worth everyday didnt make me recover any easier. Had Keith not been there at SRu with me he wouldn't have been yelled at or felt like everytime he looked at me I was upset with him. But had he not been there I wouldn't have had anyone who could physically hug me when I fell down.

My brother doesn't have much care for material things it seems. When he moves from place to place, he leaves his mess and many belongings there. The only thing he is sure to take is his computer. I think I am the opposite. As long as I have my things, and a few people who I could get hold of if I wanted to, I discard people more. I haven't had to desire or need to call anyone of my friends this whole break. When I am at school I don't make any effort to talk to anyone from Hershey, and even while here except for boredom and maybe two people who I actually like to spend time with, I don't make the effort to call anyone here either. I go through sets of friends every two years, at least I have ever since the first switch of schools in 8th grade. Since then, every two years I have moved onto different friends and I don't doubt that next year, my friends will once again change, maybe because they have to. So what about Keith? We just celebrated our one year anniversary, but I've known him for 2.45 years, in person for 1.75 years.

They say that after a few years you get tired of the person, and that the person you don't get tired of is the one you can stand to marry. There have been moments when I have fallen in love with Keith all over, and yet I have realized that when you are closer in location, for some reason those moments became sparse. Maybe it is because people just stop appreciating the little things or maybe because normal life moves too fast and we don't take a moment to breath and do those "falling in love" things. I think though that when life is too fast, it is MOST important to do those things, or you just get lose in the wind. There has to be some kind of spark to keep a marriage that lasts a lifetime going... the hard part is making the effort or finding the key to make that spark happen. I guess that is what soulmates can do.

It wasn't about money or gifts, it was about heart and thought that made me fall in love again yesturday, that ignited that spark. From the start of the day till the end, like a bell curve, the peak was in the middle. Going to a candy store and getting one of my favorite childhood candies, to looking for and finding a watch which I have been in search of all week, to going to a store I discovered last spring break in erie and always enjoy looking at, to being shocked outta my socks when I got to pick out the softest bear there was, have Keith's wish be placed on its heart and not be ashamed of feeling like a little kid again, complete with a "world's greatest lover" sweater, to seeing a movie I greatly anticipated, to eating at a new place for both of us with no napkins, to topping it off with a combination of white chocolate ice cream, heath bar and cookie dough that was even better than imagined. I think maybe that is how the best of our days go, we plan something we think will be good and it turns out even better. To renting a movie that most people would laugh at the suggestion of but was truely heartwarming (the march of the penguines) to going to sleep by the only person I ever enjoyed sharing a bed with even though it was 85 degrees in the house.

I didn't want to come home, and the first two weeks were hardly vacation-like, and perhaps the reason was not that I wasn't relaxed or having fun, but because it wasn't complete, and I wasn't with the person who I could really call a week of doing nothing a vacation. If I can spend a week of doing almost nothing with someone, then I think I am cut out to spend a lifetime of doing almost everything with him too.

[started at 1:53 and it is now 3:11pm]

K, its almost midnight and I've gotta' go to bed.. I'm half way through so far in your EPIC entry that coudl've and should've spanned five, but hey, its cool. So far, ym favorite line that is the one about the handhold being the most important part in establishing a relationship.. I'm gonna finish reading it tomara' though.
» Dilated on 2006-01-08 11:40:33

oh meggyo...
wow meghan. wow. what a year. no wonder 2005 went by so quickly, we were quite busy. busy falling in love =] i love you hun. can't wait to talk to you later
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