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Full of Anger
Friday. 12.5.08 8:30 am
I've heard too much of that phrase lately. My uncle tells me that pretty often because I've pretty much retorted angrily at statements made by my family members.

I may be very unhappy with myself, very ungrateful, and angry at most of the things I see. Why? It is ridiculous to ask me why when everything I do, there has to be criticism to it and they are hardly constructive!

Let's take my weight and height for example, I'm fat all the time to all those bloody relatives. No one defends me when it comes to that, even my brothers will sneer at me. I'm about 156-158cm tall and I weight about 50kg. It is ridiculous how people will never look at themselves in the mirror before commenting on my height and weight. Do you think it is so damn easy to change a person's height and weight? I'm 19, I hardly grow anymore!

My studies, regardless of how good results I get, I never get much acknowledgement. I'm the eldest, I'm supposed to get these results because it sets a good example for my younger brothers. I can also never NOT get an A because that will cost me my schlarship and when that happens, you can see disappointment written all over their faces. They'll also start asking "what happened"? Then comes, you should do this and you should do that. Afterwards, they will leave me hanging and say "it's up to you what you want to do". I can hardly not study, walk into an exam with a blank head and do my best. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I have to be very responsible for what I do, must be very reliable too. Most responsibilities have to fall on my shoulder. WHY? Because I'm the eldest, simple as that. I must be there to be relied on and not whine. I can't complain too much too cause that turns me into an ungrateful whining bitch. I can't even blame them for not being able to do things I want to.

After 19 years of being pushed in that direction, I can't be grateful for whatever results I've done my best with because I HAVE TO DO BETTER, I can't do this, I can't do that, would it be weird that I spend my time on the internet most of the time and is quite unsociable, with a face which says "come near me and I'll bite you head off"? Would it be unreasonable that I'm feeling unsatisfied at myself three-quarters of the time? Is it my fault that I can hardly be grateful for the things I have?

Because I can hardly block all of these negative unconstructive comments, I have to be all stressed up and pissy. Then you comment on how "I'm all wind-up". How can I be happy when nothing I do seems right? Myself is being rejected by the environment I'm supposed to feel at ease with? How can I not be full of anger when I have to fix myself all the time to live up to your expectations and is NEVER acknowledged for it?

I wish these answers would just drop down from the sky!

that was why i escaped to nz. i'm just so sick of the asian culture value that i needed some space for myself. and having privacy to myself is considered WRONG in my family members eyes when all i needed is to spend time with myself and alone.

it is tough to turn deaf ears to all those unappreciative remarks. just let out ur anger when it is appropriate. ur family members do need to hear u even though u will be labeled as a whining bitch. this is just to show them that u won't have any tolerance to disrespecting remarks about u.
» renaye on 2008-12-05 11:27:46

AWWWWWWWWW, you need a hug. I can't really give much advice, because no matter where we go, this kind of characteristic still exist. The only thing i can do is make myself numb with this sort of stuff and always MIA when i am under stress, i don't wanna anymore stress from my parents >.< (ok, another good thing i am at overseas)

p/s: stress not about your weight, i am about the same weight as you and about 159 cm. My bones are heavy, it can't be help D:
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