Aries:
Not to be out-done by basketball and football fans, golf supporters will become engraged in a heated exchange of words between two professional golfers this weekend. The biting banter will be rapidly quelled by the line judges, but not before Tiger Woods hasa glass of ice-water with lemon thrown near him.

Taurus:
You will realize that hiring Harthanius, the Roman ececutioner, to help you with a bank robbery was a bad idea when you utter the bank-robbery command: "stick 'em up."

Gemini:
This week will seem even more life-like, as Pixar has made several major improvements since Finding Nemo.

Cancer:
Caught up in the joy of Fall you will jump into a pile of leaves. It will, in fact, be a trap covering a tiger pit. You should have known better than to attack the Swiss Family Robinson on their own island.

Leo:
You will leave your home without an umbrella or raincoat and will get soaked in a downpour. This is the stars' way of saying, "Start taking showers again."

Virgo:
Time to take your relationship with your crush to the next level. Next time you see them walking on grounds, run up behind them and punch them in the upper back. Then, as they double over, slide through their legs and surprise them with a hot make-out session and/or chocolate novelties.

Libra:
This week you will realize that all your suitemates are actually demonic spectres bent on your demise. Sucks to be you.

Scorpio:
Whatever you;'re going to do, do it quickly and well. Unless, of course, you wish to be the slow shit-show you've been for the last eight years.

Sagittarius:
Facebook-ing a friend is good. Facebook-ing an enemy is better. Using Facebook as a verb, priceless.

Aquaricorn:
You proudly stayed vegetarian over the Thanksgiving holiday, abd because of your efforts, thousands of turkeys in grocery stores across America are springing back to life.

Pisces:
Numbers are your friends. No seriously, they're your only friends. And they want that $50 you owe them.


Later.

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