In my 19 years of life, I have learnt a thing or two. And now, I shall bestow this wisdom upon thee.

theZebra’s 10 Rules to Live By:

1. Always sit with your back to the wall or facing a mirror. You’ll be the first to know if a deranged, gun-toting maniac comes rushing in. And never sit by a window. There are too many people outside to keep an eye on.

2. When at the ATM, be sure to keep one hand braced on the machine at all times. This way, if a mugger was to sneak up behind you and attempt to bash your head into the screen, your hand would, at the very least, buffer your fragile forehead. True, you’d most likely end up with five broken fingers. But hey, you’ve still got one good hand left to rip the mugger’s nose off and feed it to him.

3. Cover your ears when using the flush in an airplane loo. Or make sure to keep well away from the flush button when bonking someone (or being bonked) in that cramped space. Joining the ranks of the Mile High Club’s not worth a heart attack or ruptured eardrums.

4. Do not step beyond the red line at the driving range. Golf club heads can be very hard…and very painful.

5. Never be the only person in a swimming pool. It’s a well-known fact that this will open a hidden trapdoor, which will reveal a big dark hole leading to the Underwater Lair of the (hold your breath) GIANT CHLORINEWATER OCTOPUS. With your flipperless feet, you’ll never escape its Tentacles of Death. It’ll drag you own into its Underwater Lair, where it’ll then proceed to devour your drownded corpse. Beware. There’s one in every pool.

6. Don’t piss your waiter off, or any restaurant staff for that matter. It’s just not a smart move. They handle your food, and you never really know what goes on in the kitchen at the back.

7. Learn from others’ mistakes. Don’t stick your hand down and don’t let your head get too close to sidewalk sewers/drains. They’re famous hunting grounds of psychopathic clowns.

8. Somehow, I don’t think drowning in puke is on anyone’s list of ‘Ways I Wouldn’t Mind Kicking The Bucket’. So if someone starts to heave their guts out while flat on his/her back, show what a true friend you are and flip ‘im/’er over. Unless the puker’s a sworn enemy whose gruesome death you’ve been plotting for the past few months. In which case, you didn’t read this.

9. Before you flip another driver the bird, check to make sure she’s not your mom’s friend or a friend’s mom. That’s just asking for trouble.

10. The hot guy you just met? Yeah, the one with the great clothes and perfect hair. The one whom you just spent hours in conversation with, where everything he said made perfect sense to you and vice versa. The one who knows exactly what napkin rings are. The one whose number you’re about to ask for. Don’t. He’s gay.

Categories: Misc [t]

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