Speak to My Finger

you know, in counselling, the question that's being asked the most is 'how do u feel?'

i seriously also don't understand the significance of that question, but i still ask away in my sessions.

surprisingly, i heard myself asking myself that question in my head.

well, you see, my mother is going abroad to visit a relative, and she has been repetitively asking me about the international charger. i got no idea what kind of plug is used in the country she is going to, and she kept asking whether our international charger can be used during her travel or not.

i also repetitively replied that i don't know. i seriously don't know for i'm drowning in writing up my thesis that i am so stress that i went shouting in my room when i'm home alone, and having migraine constantly.

while my mother watches her drama on youtube, netflix, wherever she could access, while playing her phone on daily basis for an average of 7 hours.

and i've been asked what plug is being used there?

i told her at the beginning to google, and she didn't.

and she ASKED again a few minutes ago, if she could use her international charger during her travel.

and AGAIN, i replied her to Google.

and she replied "I got no time.. I've been busy."

Why the fcuk should i be responsible for her choice?

in a passive aggressive manner, she 'googled', and informed me that the country she's going to used D or G plug, which she didn't understand, and....

i got no idea what does she want me to do...

so i told her to google again what's D or G plug..., her facial expression twitched in hatred for that one second, while looking away, and disappeared into her room.

i saw it, and i hated it.

i'm supposed to resume my thesis writing, but i was affected by that reaction that it's consuming me now.

why?

because i don't know what will happen in the next minute... is she going to be mad at me? if yes, what is she gonna do to me? what kind of hurt is she going to inflict on me as punishment?

and this was where my question graced "what do i feel?"

because in between those two paragraphs, i actually had darker thoughts which was i can't wait to not be associated with her. would i visit her grave?

a strong resounding reply came back a NO.

but why is that that i'm more willing to visit my dad's grave than hers? because he inflicted less hurt? maybe we didn't interact a lot.

and i interact with my mother on daily basis.

to be frank, i don't feel like talking to her ever since my suicidal/pain ideation in last feb. why do i want to talk to a person who is unempathetic who only sees her own pain over everyone else's?

why do i want to spend any more of my lifespan on shitty people?

why am i feeling fear of the injury she has the potential to inflict? did i say anything wrong?

i didn't do anything wrong, because really, if she can search for the movies and episodes she wants to watch on YouTube, then her research skills is not that bad right?

i'm prosecuted for just telling her to be resourceful? that's my mistake? the more i coddle her, the more i'm accommodating her bad habit, and giving her positive reinforcement for her bad habit.

what do i feel just now? fucking irritated because i don't need to waste my lifespan on people like this. if u have friends who don't appreciate u, u would also leave right? then why can't we apply the same analogy to family members?

so just now, she DID that AGAIN. she asked me to start her car, which i don't mind, but i often forgot which button. so i asked which button, and her eyes squinted with annoyance, and again disappeared into the room.

this time, i disrupted that pattern, and told her off not to cut me off when i was talking to her. of course, she entertained me with her annoyance face.

and she answered me with great annoyance.

i seriously wanted to tell her to fuck off, and i'm sick of tolerating such rude behaviour...

i seriously consider what happens if one day she and i got into a huge fight that there's no turning back... i did consider of selling our current living place, and cut ties with everyone in the family, as a way to earn freedom.

there was one time, i actually said out loud to her if she's not happy in this house, then let's just cut ties, and live separately. we would certainly have an INCREDIBLE potential to lead a happier life.

why not?

we r living together because we have no choice of lacking resources. living together means leveraging on each other's resources. if i have unlimited money, then i can live without her right? she can stay wherever she wants, so do I.

then i don't need to see her face, and hear her voice.

i don't really care if some people who have undergone much more severe childhood emotional neglect trauma than me telling me to forgive bla bla bla... coz i'm very sick of being in the same room with a manipulative person. i have spent my whole life service a manipulative person, and still want me to spend my old years serving such human?

my future doesn't have my mother. it's only me, and my dreams, and the peace that i want.