Speak to My Finger

i was informed that my oldest uncle is now bedridden, hence he may not live any longer now. my mother and her sister r going to visit him in 2 months time. i actually feel like visiting him too, but unfortunately it's around my final submission deadline, which is totally unfortunate. then i think... i'd rather not, because then she would be demanding to do all the bookings for them right? well, if that's the case i would go after my final submission.

now, my heart goes out to my sister's half-sister who is older than her. This uncle is also my mum's half-brother. why i said so because, according to mother, she left home without looking back when she was old enough. and because she was a half, my maternal grandmother was not on a good terms with her. oh well, how would you feel suddenly your husband just brought back a baby for you to raise? that's what happened.

anyways, after many years she left home, she posted in the chinese newspaper looking for my mother and her siblings. my auntie and uncle knew about it, but didn't respond, and told my mother many years later. my mum was furious! they could not justify why they didn't have any intention to respond... by then, it was too late to respond, as my auntie and uncle forgot when and which daily. i wonder if my mother think back about this sister...

and now i'm feeling extremely sad - to an extent crying for a stranger - for this auntie that i haven't met. how lonely she must be to know she has some siblings but never know whether they saw the ad or not... did that haunt her? did she give herself the closure that she needs?

now i'm thinking about my bedridden uncle. what's going on in his mind? he has three kids, and his wife is also very old, no strength in her legs now...

in my mind, all i could remember him finishing the whole haagen daze ice cream tub in front of the tv. for my auntie, she fed her pet mynah which one day just flew into their house, and they released after decades of care.

i wonder how is my paternal auntie doing in Melb. did my sister entertain her when she called after my father's death? i knew she texted me, but i was so drained from protecting myself from mother, that i didn't have the energy to think whether to keep in touch with her or not. in fact, i was afraid to contact them would give another reason for my mother to attack me. i was already barely surviving...

i wonder how she is coping with his death... she tried calling for days during my father's passing, but we didn't answer, because mother dare not touch his phone. in fact, she didn't want to touch anything of his possessions except for his wealth and assets. and so we waited for my sister to come home to answer the call.

when we answered, we said he just died a few days ago, and she was in shocked. and we just ended the call. that's it. i know we sounded cruel, but i was trying my best to keep mother calm, otherwise i would be beaten emotionally. it was something i was not proud of... but my brain was not working either.. i was traumatised with my father's death in the house.

anyways, what i wanted to conclude is that death is a lonely personal experience after all. the only thing that can soothe me in my death bed is to be able to answer myself whether i've lived a satisfying life or not...