"Guidance" by Tempers.

I fear I’m fading
I fear I’m fading
I fear I’m fading
I fear I’m fading
That’s when I shut my eyes
Imagine that I’m you

That’s the way I lose my shame
That’s the way I cross the line
That’s the way I lose my shame
That’s the way I cross the line

That’s the way I lose my shame
That’s the way I cross the line
That’s the way I lose my shame
That’s the way I cross the line

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I donated blood today and finished in 5:35, which I think is my fastest time yet. Getting good at this!

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I'm trying to assess my current balance between flexibility/openness to change and accepting/maintaining my state of self. It feels like I'm less motivated to change things now, but I'm unsure if I should trust that. On the one hand it could be the product of just coming to accept myself more as I am, but on the other hand it could be complacence born of laziness. I'm wary of getting too attached to ways of being that I think I could improve. Accepting differences that make me an individual is one thing, but I don't want to just accept flaws that I could very well do something about. There is no such thing as perfection, no end state, but there is still better than this.

Sometimes I wish I had some kind of role model or mentor, someone to look up to or seek advice from. I'm forging my own path though, and haven't yet found anyone who seems to have pursued the same thing yet. I'm sure I'm not the only one driven to follow this, but I also have no idea where I might find someone else doing this thing that I don't even know how to fully articulate. Instead, I just run into people who tell me they don't know anyone like me, which is baffling and worrisome at some times, and flattering at others. I guess it's supposed to be a good thing to be unique, but the dark side of that of course is that if you're unique, you can't find people like you, haha. I feel like I'm kind of over wanting to be special and alone, and at this point in my life I'd rather be able to relate to more people.

I mean, I do relate to people decently well on a basic level, but I guess the natural consequence of developing niche interests is that you aren't going to find a lot of people who share them. Whoops. Where do I find the people who like ten minute experimental art games and Existential philosophy? I don't imagine either of those things is overly obscure per se, considering the billions of people that exist right now, and even the center of that Venn diagram should have some people in it, right? In absolute numbers it seems like there should be a decent sized group of folks who'd share the interest. In relative numbers maybe not, but well, isn't that what the internet is for? To connect us with those people we might otherwise never meet due to distance or lack of connecting relationships? Where do my people hang out?

well, as i get older, i feel i need to be comfortable being alone, while i find my own tribe.
» renaye on 2023-07-01 03:14:49

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