I write about very different stuff now than I used to, I guess. Lots more deep-ish thoughts now, as opposed to listing the events of my day or whatever...

Anyway! Assumptions! A very significant subject to me indeed. And I don't think most people really understand how significant it is. It's hard to explain to others the level of mental crisis I had when I tried to stop assuming things completely. The world falls apart! And I'm not being dramatic, it really fell apart for me. Living in constant terror and confusion... not knowing what was going to happen next... not knowing if something different would be there with each blink...

So I've let some assumptions back into my life. Nothing is perfect, and I still acknowledge the argument that you can't expect something to happen in the future just because of a pattern in the past (likelihood is there but there's not absolute certainty). It's surprising how much thinking about probability like that soothes me sometimes. All possibilities! No certainties!

And being constantly uncertain is kind of scary in its own ways, I guess, but I feel a lot more comfortable with it than I used to. All things are just more or less likely and pretty much everything in life is a betting game.

But where was I going with this... it's late and I'm pretty tired. Headache and difficulty focusing but I want to get my thoughts out so I don't forget. (It's nice to have somewhere to save all these things)

Oh yeah. Assumptions. Since I made the decision, back in high school, to try to be the best person I could be, I've been keeping up with that somewhat inconsistently. My drive to stick with it has never gone away completely, but sometimes I don't try as hard. It's a lot easier to be motivated when I run into problems in my life. Something to be fixed! And I don't like having problems but I like figuring out how to resolve them. Change environment, change self, interact differently with others... so on and so forth.

Lately I've been thinking that maybe I'm not as good a person as I used to be. But when I say that I really mean I've just been trying less. I'm not good or bad by nature. I decide what it means to be a good person and if I'm not keeping up with that I just need to try more... be more vigilant... It's easy to get too comfortable and forget to keep trying. I'm happy with my life now but that doesn't mean I should stop working on improving myself. If anything it means I should keep it up. Whatever I'm doing is probably effective!

I feel like it's basically the same as antidepressants. People take antidepressants and then they feel better, but then they think "oh, well I'm better now, I don't need these anymore!" and stop taking them. And then they get sad again. This is my antidepressant, I guess. Can't stop trying or I might fall back into the old depressive ways. That seems like it should be scary, but it's not. I know I can do this. I have been doing it for awhile (which, you know, doesn't say anything about the future, but at the very least I know I'm capable). Slipping up every once in awhile is okay, it doesn't hurt me in the long run.

Sometimes I want to talk about this stuff to people but I end up blogging about it instead. Trying to get people to understand how hugely important this is to me is really hard. I mean, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try, but it often feels like I'm just throwing words around and they don't mean anything to the other person. I don't really want to get a pat on the head and a thumbs up.

I keep thinking about how Fro said she thought I was a really strong person. Phrasing it that way makes it sound like strength is in my nature, and it's like... no. Strength is not something I am, it's something I practice. I am what I am because this is what's helping me survive and live up to my potential. Natural selection of behaviors and personality traits? Man, my thoughts are so jumbled right now.

Just thinking about what people say about me in general... Like my friend from Spain getting frustrated with me and saying I just think everyone is like me. I don't think that's necessarily true, but if I was acting in ways that made me appear that way then it's something I need to work on. Communication is tough! You never know if what you're saying and what you mean line up, or if the other person will receive things the way you intend them. Just gotta deal with it as best I can though.

Ugh this did not come out nearly as linear as I was planning. Being super tired messes things up.

Main thing I wanted to say: I feel like I've been assuming too much lately. It's starting to cause issues in some of my interactions. I should work on this. I think I am capable of resolving it. I just need to try. Effort is key. Nature does not figure prominently into this. I am flexible. I can change myself. Need to listen better and think more.

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Have been thinking about Kant's Categorical Imperative recently because we're discussing it in Ethics. I learned about it before in a different class too but forgot about it. My prof this time around makes it so much more interesting. I think I like it, as an ethical approach. It's close-ish to what I think, even if it doesn't necessarily match up completely...

We need assumptions in our lives, just on a moderate scale... I also think that sometimes experience cause sometimes experience can mask itself as assumptions. Like for example, when we go to a place known to be rather dangerous, we would be vigilant and may seem rather assumptious to think that everyone is out to get you.

Re: I don't know if it can still be eaten.. I'll probably leave it in the fridge forever.
» Nuttz on 2015-02-25 08:50:12

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