IT IS CALLED FEAR AND IT'S SEEING A GREAT RENAISSANCE

This level of happiness really is beyond my comprehension.

I've been through so much emotional trauma recently, yet I'm coming out of this depression that I've been stuck in for about a year and a half. Maybe that's what it takes? Although I think that if it wasn't for Doug I'd be even worse off at this point.

I love him. I more than love him. It feels so fresh, new, real. And he hasn't really done anything directly to change me except to love me back, which is perhaps the purest way to be a catalyst for change. Sure, Ben loved me back... but not in the ways that I needed. He loved me because I was his first love.

This kind of love is nothing like love has ever been for me in the past. NOT that I would ever denigrate any of my past loves, they all mean so much to me and have shaped me into who I am today... But this love is a kind of love I wasn't even aware existed until it started happening. It feels adult. That's the best way I could describe it. As if this is what real, honest, mature love is supposed to feel like. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I was always the first love for the others. But I am ready to move on from that, because the distinction between first love and true love is probably an important one to make.

I have also been a lot stronger of a person in recent months than I ever have been. I have forced myself to look inwards and make important changes in my life, and honesty just makes everything feel better... more authentic. Adult.

Dealing with the abortion has been tumultuous. I had to make that decision so quickly and be confident that it was the right one. But I have little regret about it. Other than that of my own irresponsibility in preventing myself from having to go through that decision making process. I was fairly confident in my political stance on that issue, and now my actions as they turned out in such a reactionary mode have confirmed it.

When I found out, I went to Meredith first. She was the perfect person to go to because of her amazing ability to unbiasly present all sides of an argument (although Meredith and I tend to butt heads as room mates, intellectually we get along like no other). Doug was the only other person I told before making my decision. Because I, of course, felt that he should have been able to be involved in the decision making process. Although I was already leaning towards abortion, together we decided it would be the best thing for both our futures.

I really am OK now. More than OK. Very optimistic about my new future, and new found passion for being ALIVE!

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