Now that you got everybody you consider sharp
all alone together in the dark
leave it all up in the air.

Internet works better at night. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Maybe the fact my room mate is gone and I'm the only one on it? New apartment rules. It's nice having an upstairs, and Meredith is a cool chick. We are different in a great many ways, however that is something I am OK with.

Been different since my last post (which I just read over). Ben and I are no more. I broke it off. It's sad, tragic, awful... but a long time coming. I don't want to talk about it.

I have felt broken. Unable to love, unable to even crush on anyone. I have been sorta dating this guy for a couple of weeks but got disenchanted. Because I can't feel anything anymore. The "relationship" thing is just second nature to me at this point... with no real meaning behind it, just habitual. But I've spent the last few days in this blur induced by marijuana, caffeine, alcohol and friends and in that blur tonight I felt was the epitome... or close to it at least. I just. I saw our friend Hunter and his boyfriend Michael on the couch at April's while we were all in a circle talking about zionists or something (I wasn't paying attention honestly) and they were just casually leaning on one another. Not cuddling obnoxiously, or making out.. just... being together. Subtly enjoying one another's company. It was so sweet. And perfect. I want that. I want someone who can do that. But I'm still not ready.

This guy I'm "dating" (if that's what you'll call it) is pretty awesome, though. He's attractive and smart and all that.. blah blah blah. I honestly don't know him that well yet. We'll see. We started too strong and I actually broke down about it (among other things) a week agoish. I had to drive down to my parents house to relax. ugh. sad times. BUT. Anyway, his name is Doug. He will come up again, probably.

Weird entry probably. CAUSE I'm drunk/have been drinking since 7pm and what is it... 3? Yeah. I did the same thing last night... and the night before... and the night before...

and the night before.

awww... I hope you feel better. Maybe you should take some time off of the drinking and see how you feel? Sometimes drinking just makes you more sad.
» Zanzibar on 2009-07-18 08:10:30

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