Nutang has the online chat thing too now? Silly. SILLY!

I start Dominoes tomorrow. Usually I get kinda nervous about new jobs but I'm strangely apathetic about this one, although I'm sure that's a pretty wise approach. At least it's a source of income.

They cut my hours AGAIN at the clinic. Fuck 'em. Know a guy who works at a place that needs techs. I'm not really trained but I could convince them I'm competent I bet. I'll go up there sometime this week and talk to them. I would be ecstatic if I could get a tech job. I'd do that full time, or as close to it as possible and take some night classes to finish my bachelors.

Some people are supposed to start "life" with college. Some people aren't. Of all my friends I always thought I'd be one of the first ones with a degree and some sort of sense of success. Turns out I'm toiling away at who knows what, who knows where, working shit jobs in the mean time and getting high/drunk three days of the week. But what is success?

Is success a bachelors degree? a masters? PhD? happiness? I can't answer that. I have no idea. I feel I am happy but I do not feel successful. Not in the least. I mean I suppose I am away at school but who isn't? That to me is not a big accomplishment. Neither is a bachelors degree. Honestly! Aside from it being expensive, I think a monkey could get a bachelors. I went into college with delusions of professors being these god-like super beings with an infinite wisdom to pass along down a road of intellectually privileged individuals. Hah! Who was I kidding? A four-year university program is just high school round 2. Maybe it's different at hoity toity private schools but I doubt it, aside from the fact that everyone there is probably an opulent dick.

Anyway the summary of that is, I'd like to be a Vet Tech because that's a real job. It's nothing that will pay off my student loans, but something in me says that if I actually cared about my work, I might actually care about my school in order to advance further.

My apartment looks depressing. It's made of boxes. I was supposed to start moving this weekend but of course it didn't happen. I'm nowhere near done packing. I underestimated the amount of junk that two years of somewhat solitary living would accumulate.

Ben was over this weekend and we've been bickering about stupid shit a lot lately. When he stays with me I get territorial. It pisses me off when he sleeps in, and I am also touchy about my food. I was just writhing with ANGER as I saw him reach into my refrigerator for some of MY fried chicken leftovers. Ridiculous?

Yeah, These are stupid things. And they mean nothing. However I fear my "crazy" is finally starting to surface. It's been what, 2 years? Yeah, sounds about right. Hopefully I'll never get as bad as I once was... No.. I won't. There are some mistakes you don't learn from, but there are some you do. I love Ben And I'm not going to fuck this up. THIS IS PULLING SHIT TOGETHER TIME, not break it apart time! =)

I need to learn to breathe deeper and take walks. I have a dog for god's sake, I should at least be taking walks! Cesar Milan is right, the answer to all your problems is just to take walks, and practice calm dominant behavior.

SHHT!

I get the same kind of anxiety about success. I graduated with my bachelors degree (from a hoity-toity private school) a year ago and I still work retail. I think the point is just breathing, because we're all six feet under eventually.
» Someones_Muse on 2009-06-26 02:41:08

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