Alright so here it is, the truth. I'm gonna lay it all down. It's a very long story but I needed to lay it all out. Mostly for myself.

*sigh*

So, three years ago I met my first love (and lovER) Matthew. I was what... 16? And he was 17. Wow, now that I think about it we were SO young. We are still, I suppose. Of course I didn't realize then that we were going to fall in love or even less that we would be lovers. It took a year for us to open up to each other sexually (which I'm glad of because my first was so personal and ideal). I don't remember at what point exactly that we fell in love, but I do know that it was a great thing, and something I don't regret.

But one thing I've learned through all this that what goes up must come down. Hell, I've learned that a lot of scientific laws can be applied to relationships. It's that basic. It's that complicated. About a year and a half into it I think... perhaps maybe two years into it is when the fighting started. Such petty fighting. Stupid, silly and immature fighting. Fights about what we were going to eat for lunch, or whether or not we were going to go out or stay in at night. I felt myself reverting back to a child whenever we fought. Kicking and screaming. Crying. Calling each other names. I don't know at this point whether or not the fighting is really relevant. But I feel the need to mention that it was a significant component of our relationship. I should also mention that the fighting wasn't really that big of a deal until the end of the last year or so. All of a sudden I just found myself getting frustrated at every little thing he did. I don't know why. I don't really even know if I paid attention enough to notice if he got fed up with me too.

During this time I was working at Hollywood Video. This may seem an irrelevant fact, but oh how it is not. At work I developed a little bit of a crush on one of my coworkers, Ben. It was nothing serious, I kept myself from acting on it. It was just casual flirting at work. At least that's what I intended it to be... But over time it just began to grow. We'd have fun at work. Then I quit in August because it was time for me to move to Denton for school. I got his AIM screen name and phone number so we could keep in contact. All the while I have been telling Matt very little about all this because I knew how upset he would be. Ben and I ended up talking quite a bit on chat and eventually the phone while I was away at school. Towards the end of August that year I was severely confused. No doubt, I put myself in that position.. but still I felt lost. Were there other people out there? Were there other things to see? To learn? And at the same time, Matt and I were fighting quite a bit. So I made the decision to break up with him.

A week went by. I had one date (I guess it was a date) with Ben during that weekend while I was home. We saw Crank, and went to a party afterwards. I didn't kiss him or even hold his hand. I cried when I got home. I felt incredibly guilty and nervous and strange.

A few days later I called Matt, apologized, and he never fully forgave me for that but I didn't blame him and things did get better. And for a while after that the fighting wasn't so bad. Things were getting better, and I started feeling pretty good about us. That things were taking a turn for the better. We went on seeing each other at least once a week while I was away at school and things were good and back to normal.

Then as this last school year was coming to a close we decided we'd go on a vacation. We had been talking about this vacation since before spring but now we were finally going to do it. Camping in Colorado. We planned for it to be the week after school got out.
It was the weekend before final exams that we had a fight I'll never forget (for no reason other than it was the tipping point for what was to come). We had planned to go to the movies that friday night for the midnight showing of Spiderman 3. He forgot about it and a friend of his from out of town was having a party. Accidentally double booked. So he decided to go to the party instead of the movie, and I overreacted and started picking for a fight. Then I asked if I could just go to the party with him instead of the movie, and he told me he didn't want to expose me to the people he was going to be around that night. He was always doing shit like that... being protective. I don't like that. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Although he was probably right to keep me from going because I have a feeling there would be harder drugs than I'm used to being around at that party. ANYWAY! I digress. We had a fight.

I call him the next day- no answer.

A few days later I finally get a hold of him and he tells me he wants to talk.
Not talking for a few days was a pretty big deal for us and I was worried and anticipated what was coming.

So he breaks up with me. Said it was because he wasn't ready, needed to clear his head etc. The same thing anyone ever says when they break up.

I take it hard (understandably) and break down at his house that morning. For the first like 10 minutes he was talking to me I didn't even believe him. Then I just let it all out. I cried harder than I think I ever have. I tried to leave his house, then I came back and cried some more. He held me a little. It calmed me, but then I just imagined that this skin so familiar to me would soon become foreign. That when I look at his face I will no longer see what I see now. To become strangers. My mind goes crazy in moments of stress and vividly imagines things like this. It is not good for me.

The month to follow that terrible morning is only a blur in my memory now. A single moment that lasted for many days, during which each second stretched out like hours. Time is a hard thing to understand. Especially when looked back upon.

Eventually I pulled myself out of bed, got my old job back at Hollywood video, and tried to communicate with other people again. I started hanging out with my friends which was an IMMENSE help. I started telling everyone bits and pieces about my pain to get the reaction I needed. That sympathetic hug. That angry, mean comment about Matt. It all felt good to me. I started learning how to feel awake again.

I also rekindled my friendship with Ben at this time. I had indeed missed him, even if only as a friend, and genuinely wanted to get back to talking to him again.

Now here's when it really starts to get complicated. I don't even know if I remember it all right, or in the right order... but this is what I can reacall:

Ben and I decide to start something. This lasts about a week or so and I get scared of what I'm doing. I think at this point things just hit me. What the hell has been happening? Is this a rebound? I don't know what to do.
So I tell Ben I didn't know what I wanted and had to leave him alone for a while.

Then during that weekish that I wasn't talking to Ben, Matt wanted to hang out and get lunch one day. I went. We ate at Schlotzkeys and went to Half-Price Books. It was totally un-constructive. I cried... a lot. I Gave him a CD I made. And his little girlfriend was text messaging him the whole time which put this disgusting feeling in my stomach each time his phone buzzed. Which in turn made me cry more. I realized he just came to give me closure. And maybe I came to get more? I don't even know.

A few days after THAT I call Ben back up. Don't remember why. Just felt like talking to him. At this point I have left and come back to him too many times. I don't even know what exactly happened that night on the phone. But I remember it was bad. And that throughout the entire conversation I was on the website for this movie Sunshine, and was watching the solar flares of this animated sun.

Then some more time went by and I saw Matt again. Just briefly. We were going to watch a movie. During the movie he kept looking at his watch. Apparently he had more important things to do, so about 30 minutes into it I told him I could just go if he wanted me to. He didn't even protest, or say sorry. So I left. More crying.

THEN a few days after that. I called Ben up again and I was like OK. For real this time. And I meant it. He's such a cool guy and we have fun together so why not? I'm truly single now, there are no repercussions.

And since then Ben and I have been doing great. I enjoy it a lot.

Right now I am on vacation in Chicago with my family and yesterday I get bombarded with text messages on my phone. It's Matt. He's found himself. He wants me back. etc. I knew this was coming and I thought I was prepared for it.. but... ??? I dont know anymore.

What gets me is.. no apology or anything.

So I call him to talk about it. He asks me if I'm still with Ben. I say yes.
Asks me if I've had sex with him.
Yes.
Asks me if he was a better lover.
I said I don't know...
Asks me if I love him.
No. But I like him a lot and it wasn't a mistake.

Then he's got the nerve to tell me that now he's not so sure he wants to get back together with me.

I wish I would have responded to that with something strong, something smart. But all I could say when he said he needed time to think about it was "OK"

I am an idiot.

And right now.
I don't even know. I don't know if I want him back. I have been telling myself lately that I don't. We fought too much. He's selfish. Ben is great. Things are fine. I have been doing okay without him. I don't need him.

But then the "what if's" settle in. What if we can fix it. Sometimes a break is what you need to make things right. I believe that. What if he is what I need... his sense of logic helps me, his strength enforces me, and his dedication inspires me. The essence of him is what should matter... right? Not the petty things that can be fixed.

I just don't know.

And a hard part of it is Ben. After all I've put him through, how do I tell him I need time to think again? Can I get away with clearing my mind of things without telling him until I have to?

I totally know how you feel. I had a lot of "what ifs" after my first boyfriend.

Sometimes it is just hard to let go of someone that you've spent so much time with. If things are great with Ben, and you really like him, see where it takes you.

But, noone knows your feelings better than you.

Good luck.
» alexsedotcx on 2007-07-25 01:31:18

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