I'm a mess.
A total wreck.

And I just keep on doing it to myself.

I am not slowing it down with Ben. I even told him I wanted to slow down. But then I just ignored the fact that I wanted to. And so did he, of course.

Last night I had a dream about Matt. He came over to see how I was doing. Ben was over and he was carrying this kid. It wasn't his kid, but he was carrying a kid.
Matt loves kids, and he acted like is typical self, going crazy over the little kid.
I just watched. Laughed a little.
Ben seemed annoyed. Matt seemed to ignore the fact that Ben was there.
I told Matt I needed to talk to him.
We stepped outside, just me and him.
I told him I was still in love with him,
and he told me he wasn't. And he started leaving.
I wanted to cry and scream and run after him... but I didn't because I didn't want leaving me to be too hard on him. "He's gone through enough" I thought.

I don't know what it means, but when I woke up I was feeling really weird. Then I checked my e-mail and I see that I have a myspace comment from Matt.
"how are you doing, Miss Ashley? just been thinkin' 'bout ya.."

This is all tearing me to pieces.

I just want to run away.

I am still totally in love with Matt. As much as I want to say I have been getting over it, and getting better, happier... It's just an excuse so that I don't feel pathetic. I haven't gone a day yet without thinking about him a little.

I am afraid we can't start talking again, I am afraid I will break down and spill my heart all over him.

You know it's not like it is in the movies,
When you're still in love with someone who left you, And they're leaving on a plane
So you go to the airport and chase them and spill your guts to them, you bleed out your heart for them, and they pick you up
hug you
and put all the pieces back together.

Sometimes you're still in love with someone...
And you'll never know if they love you back. You secretly hope that they do, but there's nothing that proves it one way or another.

It's not like in the movies where you can be at your worst... and they'll love you anyway.

You've just gotta fake your best and hope that one day you will start to fool yourself.

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