I don't know anymore. I thought this could work but I'm having doubts.

I don't think I'm really going to tell anyone about this mess... It hurts to even think about.

But I gotta get it out.
I was at Ben's place tonight... we had a good time earlier in the day, went to the book store, and walked around arlington highlands a bit. It was nice. Relaxing, sweet. Then later at his place we started making out and one thing led to another.

And at one point I looked up at him and saw his eyes and the only words that were in my mind was something Matt said last time we spoke.
"My one hope for you is that you remember your body is sacred, and that you don't just let any guy have it."

And here I am. Doing exactly that. Don't get me wrong I don't think Ben is just "any guy"... I like him a lot. But I don't think we were ready for that. At least I wasn't. I don't even love him yet.

I'm starting to wonder if I even want to love again.

To add to the confusing array of feelings... after it was over, Ben tells me that he just lost his virginity to me. Fuuucckckkk.... I am a terrible terrible terrible horrible fucking evil person.

I knew I was moving way too fast with Ben. Way too fast. I'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry... I'm being a dumbass about everything and justifying it. Telling myself that other people are much worse about these things.

But I'm starting to realize that that's not what matters. What matters is how I feel. What I need. Regardless of other people.

Ugh I'm just so confused. I don't really want advice either. That just makes me feel more frustrated. I need to learn from my own mistakes.

Right now, at this very moment. I just want to confess my weaknesses.

I miss Matt. I miss him and it makes me want to cry.

On top of that I feel terrible about Ben. What I'm doing to the poor guy. He's falling for me and I am having these other feelings behind his back. I've already misled him once before.

I keep trying to tell myself that it's over between Matt and I. That I need to move on. But it's hard as hell. We had some good times. That boy and I... And we went through some hard times together as well. I miss his mannerisms. I miss his body. I miss his heart...

But then I think about how he's probably happier now. Focusing on his life, getting things together, rediscovering himself.
And that's all worth it. It's worth letting him go.
I want him to live the best life he can make for himself.

And I'll be fine in the long run.
It's just really hard right now.

and part of me just wants to die and get it all over with.

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