It's been about a month and a half since I've last talked to, or heard from Matt. That's the longest we've ever been apart since we met 3 years ago.

Some days have been going by where I hardly think of him at all anymore. The days have been good, I have been happy. I have been strong.

But I have been going through all my old stuff recently because I am moving soon, and all these little things just keep reminding me of "us". Pictures, and concert tickets... 3 years worth of stuff.
He got back on my mind and the question occurred to me; if he were to call me up and ask for me back... what would I say?

I think, "If I have been able to be okay with the idea of never being with him again for the past few weeks, I can totally get over this. I am strong enough." But with that said, what if it's not about how strong my willpower is... Have I really thought hard enough about whether or not I still love him? I do still love him. It's a kind of love strong enough to let go, because that's what he wants. Perhaps even what he needs.

On another note:

I have been talking to an old coworker that I almost had a fling with a while back.

A few nights ago he asked me about Matt and how I feel about everything. I told him that I don't know if I'm completely over it, but that I'm trying. I also told him I really didn't want to get into anything serious for a while. But also that I really like him, and I don't want to hurt him either.

He seemed to understand.

The thing is, I really do like him. You know, not just 'cause he's nice and comforting to me and I'm in a weak state right now. He's a pretty interesting guy we always seem to have plenty to talk about, and on top of that there is definitely some physical chemistry when I am with him.

I know it's gonna end in disaster if I'm not careful, and take enough space for myself. It's delicate. I am fragile right now.

So I am trying to be as healthy in all this as possible.


I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
you can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freakouts and I'll hold it
you can share your so called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
you can ask for space for yourself and only yourself, and I'll grant it
you can ask for freedom as well or time to travel, and you'll have it
you can ask to live by yourself or love someone else, and I'll support it
you can ask for anything you want anything at all, and I'll understand it
you can express your deepest of truths and even if it means I'll loose you, and I'll hear it
you can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
you can say that you'll have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it
you can even hit rock bottom have a mid life crisis, and I'll hold it
and there are no strings attached
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return.
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it, that there really is.

I just hope that the next person who I let hold my heart in their hands...
will take advantage of the incredible quality of love that I give.

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