It's Over.

Maybe it's the right thing
Maybe it's the best thing

Either way. It is what it is. Regardless of what I want it to be.

There's nothing I can do but be strong.

Be myself.
Either way I need a chance to be myself.

And by hanging onto hopes of what might be, what might have been... that's not going to get me anywhere.
I need to do what I've always needed to do. Let go.

But I can't look at him.
I can't hear his voice.
It all tears this gaping hole in my chest.
Rips apart the muscles beneath my eyes.

He really is one of the best friends I've ever made... but just not right now. I can't handle it.

And that's no one's fault. Not even mine.
It's just the nature of things. It's just how these things happen.

One thing I've always known about myself was that I am dependant. I hate admitting it. But this desertion brought it to my attention. I always need an obsession in my life.
I am stubborn and I don't get go of things easily.
I have engulfed myself in him. Too much. There is a point when you lose yourself and become just an appendage to someone else.
And now that he is gone...

I simply feel like a limb torn from the warm body that it was once part of.

Useless. Purposeless.

But I am smarter than to stay like that.
I am stronger than that. I have more dignity than that.

And it is this time that I will use to discover my own missing body.

I will miss what it was. Because in all honesty I loved it. I loved it so much.
I could have went on and on and on and on.
But it would have never been amazing.

And that's what we both deserve.
And maybe he's the stronger one for being able to admit that it never was what we both wanted. Needed.

Now I believe, at this point anyway, that it had the potential to be amazing. It needed work. And I believe we could have worked on it had we accepted it's flaws openly.
But who knows. Maybe we would have never done that.

One thing I think I will learn from this is not only a stronger sense of self-respect, but a stronger sense of respect for other people.
Because that is what I believe pushed it off the edge on the outside. I was a... brat. For lack of a better description. I was a bitch when I didn't get what I wanted.
That's a personality trait I will be glad to see go.
Trust me.
I hate it as much as he did.

I heard my room mate tell me something one of her friends said once...
That when you go through things... it's not so much that you're losing yourself, it's more like you're finding yourself. Finding out who you really are.
I like that.
I think it's true.

We'll see.

EDIT:

I sent him a copy of this post.
He replied:

You are beautiful, Ashley. I can't wait to see what you become in 10 years, 5 years, even a year from now... you have so much potential, as do I... this is just one of those things I think will help us grow as human beings. You couldn't have put it better in this post, and I couldn't have come close. So be strong, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you yet, and it's only because I feel like it isn't time. We need to be apart, and when we finally do meet again, let's try being friends. I would like that. But for now, stay amazing. Chin up, and smile, for yourself. Goodbye.

Matthew

wow. I'm so sorry. You have a very wise attitude about it though. Usually people do not gain this kind of wisdom until they do a series of stupid things and torture themselves for no reason for a long time. I have confidence that you will find a very interesting and rewarding self within that has been waiting for an opportunity to come out.
» Zanzibar on 2007-05-16 09:03:46

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