I hadn't seen him in weeks, and had since been persuing a new boy.

But all it took was one phone call about a week ago, and I was hooked in again. You may not understand, but I really do care about these people. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone, especially when such delicate emotions may be involved.
So we got to talking again, and spent a few hours at his house after eating dinner at mine. As much as I tried not too, by the time I was at his house, there I lay. In his warm soft arms, cheek touching cheek, giggling at the movie that neither of us were truely watching. My feelings for him are so strong It's hard to put exactly how I was feeling into words. I'm not sure if it's a wild youthfull love, or if it's a warm passionate love, or maybe a strong and steady friendship love. I do know I love him. I know I love many people, but I love him differently. It's compleatly exhausting to ponder, and is taking over too many of my thoughts.

That is Dylan, then there is Matt.
I met Matt by clicking through some online blogs, and bumped accross a writing style and thought pattern that really intrigued me. After adding him to my list of must-reads, we soon began chatting on instant messenger. He was very eager to meet up in person right away, which may have convinced me further not to. But after some more chatting, and a few phone conversations I realized I really did want to meet this person. Thus, I did. And we seemed to get along right away, and things were going great... until...
Until the wonders of online blogging (once again) turned my feelings around. I saw pictures of my new persu-ee, Matthew, kissing passionately, a long time friend, Sara.
I sat, not knowing exactly how to put this together in my head. Her and I have never had the same taste in men. Well, Men is exactly what I mean... She went after men... while i went after boys. Which is Matt?
The people-experience and intellegence of a man, in a seventeen year-old boy? It happens. And there he was. I was scared at first, afraid of his intentions with me. Was he as experienced as a man? Should I be afraid, or shouldn't I?
A few days after barely skimming this event in conversations with Matt, I recieved a phone call from Sara.

A Sara who sounded different, younger than I remembered her. A Sara through different eyes than I had seen her through before. You could almost say I used to idolize her, she was truely who I looked up to most... the year's she seemed not to be bothered by my company, anyway. But my eyes were differen't know... My eyes are different now. The big people in my life have now shrunk down to a more managable size. Though I still admire her strength, and intellegence, she almost seems more manipulative and simple than I had remembered. Instead of once being on the side that she was, us being able to relate (though in very opposite ways, but still relate) To now, being manipulated. Her words picked at me like she sent them to do, but I let them. Is it worth the trouble to maintain a friendship that was never really a friendship at all?
I will remeber her most likely for the rest of my life.
unfortunately, I know she won't remember me past senior year in highschool.

Anyway, Matt and I have since discussed these ideas. And he claims he has no more feelings for her, or never had to begin with.
But secretly? I am afraid. I am afraid of lies.
Lies just like they all had lied before...

Then there is Jon, beautiful, wonderful Jon. I don't understand all of you yet Jon. And I'm hoping I don't ever. I don't want to understand another person to add to the pile. You are my hope.

What about Michelle. Oh geez, Michelle. There's not too much to say about Michelle. I've known her sine we were in elementary school. I love her unconditionaly. Now-a-days she comes around only when it is convienient, but I don't mind much, to be honest. Sometimes we, as people, need time to explore... but in the end, we'll be with the ones who love us as much as we love them. I will always be able to forgive her. No matter what she does to our friendship. I hope one day she'll feel the same to me.

dfasdfasdfasdfasdfsd
I just want to be alone right now...
I want no ties.
I want no obligations, no rules.
Let me alone, and I will you.

so many confusing feelngs.
so many confusing people.

I think I'd be happier not knowing how to feel.or cry...


But I'm okay. Tomorrow I'm going to go have fun and go swimming and eat grilled hamburgers, because that's what you do in the summer, right?
right.
keep it simple, and things will be managable.

this entry sucked.
I'll probably delete it tomorrow.
I probably don't mean any of it.

You can delete just about all of it.. 'cept for the part about me.
» Dilated on 2004-06-20 10:40:59

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