ahh, the wonderful holiday season. the magical time of the year. where there's nothing but feel good happiness all around........or so they say. one would think i should be happy now, but i'm just not. sadly i've been this way for quite a long time now. i was kinda happy a lil while ago, atleast on the surface. but then it was like i was just hit with a ton of bricks. i guess the final thing that pushed me over the edge to really feeling depressed is the mess with the mva again. how many times do i have to fight for my license because of the same stupid mistake? i just cant take it anymore. i try to think of good things that are happening to keep my mind of it. like ben being back home. i actually have someone around that cares about me and wants to do stuff now. not that no one did before, but feeling like the majority of my friends ditched me is kinda hard to bear. however all the good things just seem to be in tiny amounts compared to the bad. i guess its just the time of the season that does it to me mainly. it reminds me over and over again of how alone i am. i begin to fear that i'll always be alone. its been almost 3 years since i had a bf!!.....4 if you dont count tony (since we only went out for about 2 weeks). not to mention that i've only ever had 2. neither one of which was ever anything major. i let someone i wasnt even really dating closer to me than anyone else, and then he goes and breaks my heart (although thats more my fault than his. i wasnt suppose to get attached and i knew that). and then i dont have my juli. she's always been my main support and lately its been harder and harder to keep in touch. i fear losing her too. she's the only best friend i've ever had and i need her. *sigh* i hate being alone but sometimes i feel so alone already i dont wanna be around other people cuz i feel like i dont belong. hopefully after the holidays are over i'll stop feeling so bad. although i doubt it really, unless other things change as well.

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