went to a show and I saw this rapper, Scarub, his lyrics are really good and to the heart. Here is a song about seeing someone and in a heartbeat knowing she's the one but not knowing how to react. It is called "Wishful Thinking".


I used to know this girl as fly as Saturdays
And every time she smiled my way it was like honey to me
I would hold my heart as well as my hopes back
For fear of how she would have reacted
If I was to express how I was attracted
And every time I would see her ever-so-beautiful figure walking the earth
It would just confuse me
Making me woozy
But I kept my mouth shut
I figured putting myself in such a position of vulnerability
Would just give her the power to either lose me or abuse me
So in the dark I stood
Skylarking I would ponder on what if
But the what-ifs would have been solved
If I wasn't so chicken-shit to get involved
In these matters of the heart
But that's all in the past and
She's gone leaving me gasping while asking
I wonder if I'll ever have another chance
Wonder if I'll have another dance
A change in my circumstance
To romance from wishful thinking
In her eyes I was tucked away and forgotten
And all my plottin' to win this girl
Too small to be measured
And so now all I have to treasure is my wishful thinking
I was wrong. This is a perfect example of love that is hopeless. The love unspoken is always doomed. And I can’t imagine how not saying anything would be easier that letting her walk away.

My problem is that all I have to do to walk away is to turn my computer off. And the reason that I left was because all you wanted to do was keep dreaming.

Songs like this exist so I know I am not the only one to go through this. But in reality, it is Frank, or Billie, or Michael, or Harry, it isn’t ever you serenading me.

And they are just songs. Not you speaking to me. I have spent too long hoping you would change and do something about your crush. But you just watch. You are chained to your dreams and the problem with that is that I am not really a part of your life, your idea of me is. And the fact that he would rather keep that than to actually date me is what makes me so sad. It hurts that you would rather cling to your idea of me rather than date me. what I don’t understand is why you still find the need to bring me into it.

Ok seriously. Why just buzz around my head? I know you are there. I know you are always around. My problem is that you don’t come any closer. I feel like I have a relationship with a helicopter. But a helicopter can’t take me to the movies. And a helicopter can’t give me kisses.

Why bother buzzing around my head if all you want are the dreams? If I have nothing to do with your relationship with me, then what does it matter if I am present? You don’t want me any closer so what does it matter to you if I leave? You don’t really want to hold me hand, you just want to watch me sleep. And you only want to watch me sleep through a screen, you don’t want to feel the warmth and softness of my skin.

So what do you care if I leave? By staying I have only encouraged you to stay away. And by leaving at least I might have a chance at the real thing, even if it isn’t with you. What do you care if I am aware of your dreaming of me? all you want are the dreams. But that isn’t enough for me.

Cling to your dreams then. If that is all you want from me. take it and leave me alone because I don’t want to just dream anymore. I want to make my dreams come true.
And they can you know. I would have dreamed with you if you would have woken up long enough. But you haven’t.

What I don’t get is this part:
But I kept my mouth shut
I figured putting myself in such a position of vulnerability
Would just give her the power to either lose me or abuse me
Lose you or abuse you? Is that what you really believe I would do? Now I know you don’t know me at all. Why would I bother to beg you to come closer if I planned on losing or abusing you? It would be a terrible waste of time and effort for me if I was just planning to hurt you to go through all of this. What hurts is that I would want the exact opposite. My intentions for your coming closer are that there would be no more leaving from either of us. There would be no need to leave since we would want to stay. If your love were true, I would be vulnerable too, you know. But that is only for a few minutes we would feel like that while we make the unknown known.

Love is not about power. It is about the willingness to surrender it although the only thing that ends up being surrendered is the control. Not control like the “upper hand” but control like about thinking about anything other than the loved person. Or control of heart rates or smiling. The people that don’t love are those who can’t give up any sort of control. Fear of the unknown is what holds you back from love. Just because something is unknown doesn’t mean it has to be bad. Life is unknown no matter what you do and it will often make you slip just when you are getting good at juggling. So why do that alone? The idea is to get through life together no matter what happens.

The great thing about love is that the exchange of power is no longer the issue, but more that two people unite and become stronger together. Feeling vulnerable will pass because as time passes, trust will develop and you would see that you can trust me. you can tell me anything and I can trust that you will be there to support me.

Love depends on how you make it. So if the time is taken to make it right from the start it can only become better. I can’t promise that it would be perfect or always easy, but you can’t promise me that either nor could you promise that about anything. But as long as we both WANT to get passed it, the good stuff will always outweigh the bad times.

My intentions have never been to punish you or to make you suffer. No matter how I have tried to say or explain that you don’t believe me. ask yourself if all I wanted was to hurt you, why would I play your games, why would I keep knocking on the wall for you to let me in? why would I care that I don’t know you any better? Couldn’t I just cause you pain from far away? Couldn’t I just ignore you to cause the most pain? Couldn’t I just find someone else to cause pain? Besides if I don’t know you, then wouldn’t you gather that all I want is love from the journals about Chris? He left me and all I wanted from him was his return. Did I ever mention causing him pain? Did I ever talk about anything other than keeping him? How could I possibly keep him if I just hurt him? All I ever hoped for was for him to give me another chance to win his love. So why would I pine so much for a guy I wanted punish? Wouldn’t I just plot instead?

So why do you assume I would rather hurt you than love you? Can you not hear that?

You have caused me more pain than James. And yet for so long I asked you to come closer in hopes that all pain and suffering would end. I have let you keep hurting me with your punishments and cruel negligence for almost 4 years. And even now, you won’t even tell me your name or let me hear your voice. You haven’t said a word to me. and you have never apologized for any of the mistakes or tried to make the pain stop yourself. I never had the choice of letting you in or keeping you out, yet I have only ever asked that you actually be in my life so that you could experience all of me and I you. All I know of you is pain but why? These voices of spite come from your heart, but why? What did I do to make you want revenge? What did you do to get it? And what are you doing now about it?

You hide from me as you always have. You blame me for your guilt of your sins against me. and any fear you have of repercussions are all in your head because I have never been anything but sincere to you. You continuously throw it back in my face. All I want is for the pain to stop. No more games and no more fighting. But you treat me like I am asking you to stop breathing. And you treat me like a disease. Or a puzzle that needs to be solved.

Since I have known you you have used my love for Chris against me. why? Because I don’t love you? How can i? you won’t even tell me your name. you won’t even be my friend. You won’t be in my life at all. So how could I love you? How can you see that I want to give you my love if all you look for are the ways you think I want to hurt you? so in defense you hurt me. pain is all I know of you, yet I have kept asking for you to come closer so the pain could stop. For 4 years you have rubbed salt in my open wound. And all you believe about me is that I want to cause you pain for revenge.

So if you can’t believe me when I say I want to love you as I do Chris, then I don’t have anything else to say because it is clear that you haven’t been hearing me.

Categories: love [t]

sigh ... love is such a complex subject. a subject i rather not talk about it.
» renaye on 2007-11-15 02:10:44

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