I dont understand who or what I am, anymore.
I dont understand why I cant feel any kind of love toward anyone.
I mean I do love, but its like I dont, cause sometimes I dont feel it. Its like I lost everything inside of me, I dont care. I just dont fucking care and its kind of scaring me. What if I feel like this forever? What If I dont bother to love anyone anymore?

So anyways, to keep my friends updated, Me and Cori split up. I threw away the letter I written to her and deleted the pictures off of this journal and yeah. As all of you know, my outcome of the break-up was so different. Usually, I would be sad but I wasnt. I was happy or was i? See, this is what worries me, its like Im changing so much, like I dont want to care for anyone, I dont even want to feel for anyone but maybe deep inside I miss her but for some reason, I dont even feel that.

I believe Im desinted to be alone. I really do, I thought about this so much. Im in the state of " I just want to mess around and have fun " This is not what I usually would intend to think but thats what Im thinking now. Its my senior year, I should have fun. I guess that is true. I mean Im a senior, so why date, why not just play?

Megan wants to make-out with me and stuff.. but uhm she has a girlfriend I believe. I think it was that one girl I met, but Megan said she was a bad at making out and wants to mess with me but I dont know, Im confused. If she has a girlfriend, she shouldnt feel the need of messing with me but I guess this how bisexual people usually are.. just messing. I guess I can go along with that for this year. I dont care, whatever happens, happens.

Sabina still loves me so fucking much, I can tell by looking at her eyes. She finally got a webcam too..and all she does seem to do was watch me and smile. I know shes broken inside cause I dont feel the same.. but I realized she was just sitting there watching me doing whatever I was doing. Kind of creepy but not really.. because I looked at her eyes..and it was the same .. passion in her eyes that once my ex-fiancee Jessica had for me. It kind of made me feel wierd.. like.. I wish I could feel the same for her, but its like I dont care. I dont want to feel anymore.

Yes, maybe I am traumitized from my last serious relationship. Wait I know I am, thats why I havent fallen for anyone and dont intend to and I know that if I even have the slighest feeling of it, Ill push them away so I can get them off my mind and keep my mind blank.

Im keeping my mind blank, its getting easier and easier. Like.. I can escape from any feelings.. like.. rejection, pain, sadness, or whatever.

I also been sleeping alot in school now to escape from reality. I mean Im not even fucking tired but I try to sleep so I can forget anything that was going on with my life right now, or even that feeling of emptiness.

Im running on empty..

i don't want to admit that, i miss you.
» fierynightmares on 2004-10-17 01:16:57

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