It's sort of infuriating. I think of lots of little things I want to take note of, things that make me laugh or feel introspective or, I dunno, connected to real life. But I never have a way to record these passing thoughts, and by the time I get back here it's too late and they're gone forever or at least until next time I'm away from pen and paper and it really just stinks. I sit in a guard stand for six hours a day, and when I'm not reading (when nobody wants to swim) I'm watching people.

Obviously.

And that gives me lots of time to think, you know? It's what I enjoy doing, even when my inability to act on ideas or inspirations gives me a terrible itch. (And when I do go to act on these, if the moment has passed, it is much like working up for a big sneeze and completely missing the climax. Or the same for...climaxes, I guess) So I sit there and think, and ponder at how cool it would be if portals were real, because then I could have a double-ended candle that floats in a portal (balanced against its own gravity) and slowly melts down to a puddle of clear wax with flames emerging from the center, bounded only by surface tension and convection's air currents. Or wonder if the lady asking a French man for his passport is crazy, or if she really has a life straight from a bad thriller movie.

I used to be more open, I think. Certainly here, but that's not the point.

On Father's Day, Mom and I were going to visit Dad's grave. My brother was on the lake with friends. I don't know if that was an excuse not to go, or what, but that's where he was. It would just be Mom and me. And we had sort of waited til the last minute, and I was about to be late to work.

I didn't want to go. If I'm going to visit my dad's grave, it's going to be on my terms, by my self, and on my own time. Not on some holiday, alone with my mom, and rushing so I don't come in late. Maybe that's shallow. Cold. I can't blame you for thinking that. I think that. But there it is.

I don't really know emotions anymore, these days. I'm having a hard time digging them up. I get frustrated easily enough, but angry? Sad? Not really. Affection? I'd like that. But for the moment I just have to get by on pretending, in the hope that it...becomes real, I guess? I don't know. I don't remember.

I've been thinking about getting another account, or moving to a different site, so I could say stuff like this and not feel self-conscious. I haven't written anything...conversational for a long time for that reason. But I won't. I don't mind, really.

I'm spent for tonight, I think. g'night.

I don't particularly think it's shallow/cold to not want to be forced to go to a grave, but then again my view of graves is that they hold dead people, and dead people don't care when you visit or why, or if you even come at all. We do these things to satisfy the spectators in our lives... the people to whom this sort of symbolism has meaning... But I've always felt like that was fairly pointless. It's the thought that counts, not the ritual. Then again, I guess the ritual serves as some sort of evidence to others that the thought exists...

Guess my point is that I don't have a concrete/well-formed opinion on the matter and I'm just thinking out loud.

As for the random little thoughts thing, I have that problem too... I find that the sound recorder on my phone works pretty well for things like that. As long as it's just words and not pictures, it's an easy way to keep stuff.
» randomjunk on 2011-06-22 01:09:43

Dear Middaymoon,

Perhaps you are in an existential quandary. I'd like to hear more about it. I like your image of the candle in the portal especially.

For a while I wanted to start another blog so that I could once again pontificate in complete anonymity like I did back in the day when only CONDESCENDme and occasionally Di-Di read my blog. I even sort of started the one, but it fizzled and it was about stupid things, anyway.

Anyway, I know how it feels to feel stifled because people you know are reading your blog. But I do think it would be cool if you could open up and speak freely about your existential and ordinary quandaries. I hope to do the same, reasoning that if being open and earnest was what brought people to my blog in the first place, I probably shouldn't afraid of continuing in that vein. After all, I think that writing down these kinds of ponderings are what allows flighty threads of thought to be woven into a coherent mental outlook on the universe.

Sincerely,

Zanzibar
» Zanzibar on 2011-06-22 05:01:52

ps:

I think the mind is different from the soul. I think the mind serves as a kind of body/soul interface device. The mind is like a circuit board or an telephone operating system that receives and interprets signals from the body and the soul. People always say, "If the soul is immortal and inviolate, why do some people's personalities change after they have brain damage or as a result of a tumor?"

I think that it is not the soul which is changing, but the way that the brain interprets signals which is changing. For example, they are starting to think that people who have fibromyalgia actually have a problem where their brain interprets small impulses from the body as pain, even when all of the parts appear to be in good working order. The patient suffers immense amounts of pain because of what amounts to faulty circuitry on the part of the brain.
In a similar way, a person's personality is made up of not only the soul, but also the way the mind interprets and prioritizes input from the soul and the body.

Just my opinion. ^-^
» Zanzibar on 2011-06-22 05:14:57

I sat here scrolling up and down between the two words on your blog for like two minutes straight. Awesome.

I think your ideals about visiting graves (which I'd say extends to anything else meaningful--funerals, weddings, et cetera) is the opposite of cold. I'd argue that it is, rather, cold to "squeeze in" a visit to a grave. It's not like a museum, you know? It's not like sightseeing. If you're going, it's because you want to spend time at the place most humans find comfort with their lost loved ones...even though really I'd say you can find them anywhere, if you can find them in a cemetery.

But that's a different tangent entirely.

I would hope that I'm not a factor in your want for a new blog, but it's either egotistical of me to think so, or it's correct. Neither of which I especially like. You sound like perhaps you're trying to separate yourself from more people.
» Unicornasaurus on 2011-06-28 05:14:33

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